


Endure

by FrankieFandom



Series: Missing [1]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Kidnapping, Mild Sexual Content, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Whump, hurt!Casey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 03:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 79,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7996138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU post 3.23 Spartacus. Casey went missing for nine days and his physical injuries aren't the only thing that need to heal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Missing

_Precinct_

Severide was pacing up and down waiting for news. It had been two days since he had found Katya's dead body in the apartment. Two days since Casey had been declared missing. No one had seen or spoken to him for three days. Severide found it odd that the world hadn't just come to a standstill; life was carrying on as usual. There had been no trace of Casey since his phone was last located at Stilettos.

Nesbitt was currently sat in an interrogation room being questioned. Severide was pacing because he knew they couldn't hold him here much longer, they had no evidence of his involvement, but everyone knew he had just covered his tracks exceedingly well.

Voight had one more hour with Nesbitt before he would have to be released. Antonio was desperately trying to find any other leads. Forensics had scoured the apartment and came up with only a partial print that didn't match anyone in the criminal database. The bullet that had killed Katya came from a gun that had not been found and couldn't be linked to Nesbitt or anyone else. Severide hated that it was Voight who was on the case, hated that the man who had put a price on Casey's head was now the one he was relying on to find him but the police still had nothing to go on. The only chance they had in finding Casey was if Nesbitt talked and it was looking unlikely.

The door opened before it slammed shut behind Voight who shook his head negatively. "I can't pull anymore strings; I gotta release him," he announced grimly. When Severide got home after this news he punched the wall.

_Apartment_

Casey had now been missing for four days. Their apartment still smelt like powerful cleaning chemicals. It made Severide feel sick as he sat on the sofa with his phone by his side. He was waiting desperately for good news. They had lost Darden and Shay. he couldn't face losing Casey as well, none of them could. Despite their many differences in the past Severide firmly believed Casey to be one of his closest friends and he knew 51 would never be the same without him. All around him it felt like everyone was giving up hope. Casey's face had been plastered all over the news for the last two days but no one had come forward with any information, it seemed like he had vanished into thin air.

The hole in the wall was cracking. Bits of paint had pealed off it as the plaster was slowly crumbling underneath. It needed repairing.  
_  
Firehouse_

The tension in the house had disappeared since Rice had left but now that Casey had been missing for six days there was an air of loss and sadness. Severide refused to believe that all the police would do now find is a body. The news reporters were no longer broadcasting the case. Voight and Antonio were continually insisting to Severide that Casey was still a top priority but it didn't seem that way to him, if he was surely they would have found him alive and well by now. Back at their apartment the hole in the wall was now a gaping cavern; he really needed to repair it.

_Cherry Boulevard_

Severide was watching his crew and Truck 81 clear up after a car crash; two dead on arrival and one sent off in Ambulance 61 in critical condition. Casey had now been missing for nine days.

"Severide," Boden called. He turned around to see his chief placing his phone back in his pocket and indicated for him to come over and join him.

He frowned questioningly as he walked up to Boden, "Chief?"

Quietly, so no one else could hear, he announced, "That was Voight."

 _'Oh God, please don't let this be it,'_ Severide thought, desperate for anything but bad news. His heart had dropped into his stomach and the world seemed to slow down around him as he waited for Boden to continue.

"They've found Casey," Boden stated solemnly.

 _'Oh God, please don't say it,'_ Severide said inwardly, he could barely take a breath and looked at Boden with wide watery eyes.

"Alive," Boden stated and Severide let out a long breath in relief.

"Alive?" he repeated, worried that he had misheard.

Boden nodded, "Alive. They say he's in serious condition but he should it make it."

_Emergency Room_

Severide burst into the ER and spotted Voight immediately. The detective didn't notice his arrival, he was too preoccupied looking ahead into one of the trauma bays. Severide followed Voight's gaze to discover a mop of dirty blond hair surrounded by ER staff. Quickly he brushed past Voight, without noticing Antonio or the two uniformed police officers, and he went directly to the room where Casey was being treated. Once there he couldn't make out much of what was being said and he couldn't see much either.

"Sir, I need you to step back," a nurse was holding him back from the room insisting that he left.

"That's my…" Severide began, "He's family!" he raised his voice.

"I need you to step back, sir," the nurse insisted firmly. "We'll keep you informed," she stated.

Severide stood his ground, Casey had been missing for a whole nine days and he couldn't even see him, he didn't know what had happened to him and he didn't know how badly he was hurt, he was terrified of the condition he could be in.

"Kelly." Suddenly Boden was stood in front of him with a firm grip on his shoulders as he was pushed back away from the trauma bay. "Kelly come on," Boden insisted, "Let them work; let them help him."

_Surgery Waiting Room_

The whole house had now taken up residence in the waiting room. Severide was pacing as they waited for more news. Casey had a bullet lodged in his right femur and the leg was already infected from days of captivity. That was all they had been told, they knew nothing about any other injuries and they knew nothing about what had happened to him or how and where he had been found. Oddly Severide found himself worrying about the hole in the wall in their apartment that had been crumbling away more and more whilst Casey had been missing; he really needed to repair it before Casey saw the mess he had created.

After what felt like an age a doctor appeared, still in scrubs, and announced, "The surgery went well, we removed the bullet and we've fixed the fracture caused by the bullet with an IM rod." The doctor paused before continuing carefully, "But he has other injuries. Are his family here?"

Severide walked up to the doctor, Boden followed. The three of them moved away from the rest of the group who looked on with worry.

"We've contacted his sister and tried to get in touch with his mom but I'm listed as his next of kin, I'm his emergency contact," Severide explained. Then he indicated to Boden and then to the rest of the house who were now stood apprehensively out of earshot, "And we're the closest family he's got."

"Kelly Severide?" the doctor question after looking at Casey's chart, Severide nodded in response.

The others watched anxiously as the doctor spoke privately to Severide and Boden. They watched as the doctor sympathetically placed a hand on Severides arm. They watched as Severide put a hand over his mouth in shock after running it through his dishevelled hair. They watched as the doctor walked away leaving Boden and Severide stood in shock before they joined the others and eventually sat down. Severide was silent whilst Boden announced, "We'll be able to see him soon." But that wasn't exactly what they all wanted to hear so they continued looking expectantly towards him and he explained solemnly, "He'll be ok. He'll need all our support but he'll be ok."

Dawson sat down next to Severide and brought him out of his own world, "Kelly?"

Slowly he turned his head towards her and saw her questioning frown and worried expression. He simply said, "He'll be all right," accompanied with a small nod. He was only really saying it to reassure himself but he had no doubt that his friend would be all right, eventually.

_ICU_

Severide followed the doctor into the ICU. Boden and the others had to wait outside. The ICU was a very surreal place. It was eerily quiet except for the sound of mechanical ventilators and beeping of monitoring equipment.

"Oh God... Casey," he said aloud as he saw his best friend lying on the bed attached to so many different wires and tubes he barely looked human. The skin that he could see was covered in cuts and bruises, some looked old and some new. What was most shocking was how skeletal his friend looked; he looked so frail beneath all the medical equipment. His left wrist and hand was encased in plaster, his right in a support wrap. His hands were marked with bloody sores like he had been banging them on a wall. His right leg lay uncovered on the bed encased in a black brace from his groin to just below his knee, the white tensor bandage underneath was slightly bloody, presumably where the bullet had hit him and the stitches now lay. His face was obscured by the ventilator and the nasogastric tubing. His left eye was swollen, both eyes were bruised and there was a large cut fixed together with butterfly stitches. Severide felt sick as he stared at the bruising around his neck; strangulation marks. The bruises that adorned his body were a stark contrast to the pallor of his skin and Severide didn't want to imagine what the rest of his body looked like underneath the white hospital gown and blue bed blanket.

After the doctor had explained Casey's injuries Severide had expected it to be bad but he hadn't been able to picture his friend in such a terrible state and now standing at the end of the hospital bed he was in shock. He wanted to kill the men who did this to Casey. His friend didn't have a bad bone in his body, he was selfless and caring, he didn't understand how anyone could have done this to him.

The doctor interrupted his murderous thoughts. "Most of what you can see is superficial, like I said the major concern at the moment is infection in his leg but the surgeon saw little tissue damage when he was in there. It looks like they tried to keep it clean and there were track marks on his arms and traces of morphine on his tox screen…" the doctor explained softly.

Severide frowned. "They… oh God," shocked he brought a hand up and through his hair, he shook his head disbelievingly and sighed. "Have you told the cops?" he asked, maybe it was just in movies but he felt like they should know, maybe they could trace the morphine back to someone who was involved because surely it wasn't something that was easy to get hold of.

"They know everything you and I do," the doctor said grimly. "There's strict visiting hours but stay with him if you want," he said softly, taking pity on both the lieutenants. He had seen Casey's face on the news for two days when he had first gone missing and wondered why anyone would ever want to kidnap and harm a firefighter.

"Thank you," Severide said simply. He pulled up a stall and sat by the edge of Casey's bed.

_Hospital Corridor_

Severide saw red, "You did this to him!" he yelled at Voight who stood dumbstruck in the middle of the corridor, "He would never have got involved if you hadn't forced him!" Now Severide knew this wasn't strictly true, Casey was a selfless do-gooder, as soon as he found out what was happening he'd wanted to help, he had to help; it was in his nature. Antonio grabbed Severide as he lunged forward at Voight. He shrugged Antonio off himself and continued to yell, causing passers-by to take an interest. "The men who did this; they better be locked up or dead right now!" he yelled. Voight and Antonio shared a brief grave look and Severide looked from one to the other, frowning, "They're not are they?"

"Kelly you…" Antonio began.

"I don't want excuses! What the hell happened? Where did you find him?" Severide demanded.

"We got a tip from a CI. Casey was being held in an old office building. There were only two people there when we got him, one of them is being questioned right now and the other is lying in the morgue," Antonio explained and Severide frowned, wondering what had happened to allow them to shoot one of them.

"Shot him in the head, he was choking Casey when we got there," Voight stated. That explained the strangulation marks then.

"Two people? Nesbitt?" Severide questioned, he couldn't believe that only two people had been discovered there.

"We should be able to bring Nesbitt in when Casey wakes up and gives us a statement and we have some headshots to show him. We're not holding out much hope for any DNA evidence from under Casey's nails, doesn't look like he had much chance to fight back," Antonio said soberly before adding, "We'll get them, Kelly. Don't do anything rash; Casey needs you right now."


	2. Infection

_ICU_

Severide was slouched on the stool at Casey's beside, well, as slouched as he could be on the small circular stool. One of the monitors let out a resounding beep and a nurse scurried over, Severide looked at her questioningly. "It's his temperature; he's running a slight fever," she explained to him and he gazed down at Casey's leg encased in the brace. "The antibiotics are working, try not to worry," she said softly before going back to her station, it was the second time his temperature had risen whilst he had been at his bedside but so far the infection hadn't worsened. Severide continued to gaze at Casey's right leg, recalling their conversation with the doctor a few hours previously.

_"I'm not going sugar coat it, there's still a chance his leg might become further infected. Worst case scenario we may have no choice but to amputate. Best scenario; he fights it and pulls through but with his other injuries and the malnutrition that will be hard," the doctor explained._

_"What else?" Severide realised there must be some in-between ground in the middle of the best and worst care scenarios._

_"He may lose some function with that leg even with rehab," the doctor said solemnly._

_"And the other injuries?" Severide urged, as he ran a hand up and through his hair in worry._

_"He has two broken ribs on his left side, not displaced. There are lacerations all over his chest and back, the older ones will scar but the more recent ones shouldn't. There are also ligature marks and more lacerations on his ankles and wrists, both wrists were dislocated; there's a_ _fracture on his left. There are ligature marks around his neck but there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. He was dehydrated as well as being severely malnourished. We're giving him antibiotics to fight the infection in his leg and painkillers. We're also keeping him sedated and on the ventilator for the time being to let him rest whilst the antibiotics do their work. It's a lot to take in but really the only major concern we have is with his leg right now and we don't know what emotional state he'll be in when he wakes," the doctor explained._

_"When will he wake?" Severide asked, he hadn't even thought about the emotional effects the captivity and obvious torture would do to his friend, he had only been focused on the physical effects._

_"We're hoping to reduce the sedation in eight to twelve hours," the doctor replied, "We'll keep you informed."_

Severide edged forwards so he was sat even closer to Casey's frail form. Frail was not a word one could ever usually associate with Casey; he was one of the strongest men Severide knew. He glanced at one of the monitors and noted his temperature; it was still too high. "Casey… you probably can't hear me but if you can I need you to fight through this…" he sighed, he didn't know what to say or what to do to help. "… If you don't fight this they're…" he couldn't say it out loud, it wasn't an option; he wasn't going to let it happen. "You're going to be ok Case, and if the cops don't get the bastards that did this… I will," he ended in a hushed tone.

Several hours later a nurse edged over to him and cautiously asked him to leave, Severide knew they'd already broken visiting protocols for him and he was grateful so he left tiredly without protest and promised Casey he'd be back in a few hours.

_Waiting Room_

Severide stopped by the waiting room on his way out of the hospital to discover the majority of the house was still waiting along with Cindy, who had brought food for everyone. Casey's mom had yet to call Severide back despite the urgent voicemail he had left four days after he had gone missing, he wondered if she had even seen her sons face on the news, no one had managed to get hold of her. Boden had spoken to Christie and updated her on the situation and promised to keep her informed but she knew the firehouse was more like family to him than she was and trusted them to be by his side as she stayed at home her daughter.

"How is he?" Dawson asked urgently and everyone looked towards Severide for the answer.

"Erm…" he hesitated, wanting to find the right words. "His temperature's stabilised, it's higher than it should but it's not going any higher anymore," he explained.

"That's good news," Cindy said and some of the others nodded in agreement.

"Yeah," he said, nodding, looking a Boden who looked relieved as he knew the threat the infection created. "I've been kicked out so I'm gonna go home for a few hours and bring back some things for him. You should all go home and get some rest. It's been a long day and they're still keeping him sedated at the moment," he explained.

"I'll stay for the rest of the night," Boden announced. He felt partly to blame for allowing his truck lieutenant to take part in the undercover operation but logically he had no doubt that Casey would have still found a way to try and help out. "We'll take turns and make sure there's always someone here for him," he added.

As the others filed out of the waiting room Severide sat next to his chief with a sigh. "Any word from Voight?" he asked.

Boden shook his head, "Nothing, he doesn't think they can do much more until Casey wakes up."

"What if… when he wakes up what if…" he didn't want to say the words; to admit that his friend may be scarred much deeper than just his physical wounds. "Nine days…" he sighed.

"He'll be ok, Kelly," Boden said reassuringly, trying to convince both himself and Severide.

"… He doesn't even look like Casey… lying there he looks so… so broken," he admitted sadly and then angrily he began saying, "We should have done more, we should have done something, we should have found him faster."

"Everyone did all they could and now we'll all be there for him," Boden stated.

_ICU_

It was mid-morning when they extubated Casey and began to reduce the sedation, his temperate had dropped slightly in the early hours of the morning. The antibiotics seemed to be working but the threat caused by the infection was still there, the bacteria was still raging around his system and he was still running a fever. All of his wounds were being methodically checked and bandages changed regularly. He was on IV fluids, antibiotics and morphine; along with causing an infection the bullet that fractured his femur caused a considerable amount of pain, he would have been in absolute agony in the few moments of consciousness before passing out when he received the injury.

Severide tried not to think about the cause of all his friends injuries; he couldn't bear to think of Casey lying in pain, or rather hanging in pain as indicated by the damage sustained to his wrists. He couldn't help but wonder what his kidnappers had wanted, they had killed Katya, what had they wanted from Casey? Whatever it was it certainly didn't look like he had been able to give them the answers they wanted.

Time seemed to pass slowly by as Severide sat on the uncomfortable stool by Casey's bedside. There was a chance he would wake up soon and he wanted to be there when he did. He would need someone he recognised when he woke up. The ICU staff continued to change his IV bags, give him painkillers, and check his vitals, bandages and urinary output. They moved him so he didn't develop any pressure sores. After the intubation tube had been removed it had been replaced with a nasal cannula that sat by the NG tube that was providing much needed nutrients and calories to Casey's severely malnourished body.

Severide saw the stitching underneath the brace and tensor bandage when the bullet wound and surgery incision sites were being checked for signs of spreading infection; Casey's leg was a mess, the stitching over the area where the bullet had hit looked messy and the skin was red and inflamed, there were also stitches where the IM nail had been inserted and screwed in to secure the broken femur as it repaired.

Severide could have sworn he saw Casey's eyes flicker but then as he stared at his friends face there was no more movement. He went ahead and questioned softly, "Casey?"

Casey was floating, he'd felt like this before, it had never lasted long before the sharp and crippling pain hit him with full force but this time something seemed different, the sound and smell had changed and then he heard his name being called and again but he felt too tired, too weak and too much like he had been stuffed full of cotton wool to try and open his eyes but the voice was persistent. Slowly he began to recognise its owner but he must have been imagining it, this wasn't right at all.

Severide saw his friends eyes flicker once more as he continued to speak to him gently, he had called the doctor over as his friend began waking up and the man was now stood with him. "Case, bud, open your eyes for me," Severide persisted.

Blearily Casey responded and he lay on the bed gazing blankly through half lidded eyes.

"Casey?" Severide called again, trying to get his friends attention.

Casey's eyes seemed to find their focus and the doctor spoke up, "Hi Matt, I'm Doctor Andrews, you're in the hospital."

Slowly Casey looked around, he spotted Severide, "No…" he uttered, it was barely above the sound of a whisper but in the silence of the ICU it was heard quite clearly.

"Case?" Severide said with concern.

"You're…" Severide watched as his friend frowned and slowly questioned, "You're... ok?" The words that came out of Casey's mouth were slurred and quiet. His throat was sore and tender from the endotracheal tube and the strangulation that he could barely remember.

Before he replied Severide hesitated, glancing at the doctor with worry in his eyes, "I'm fine, Matt."

"No…" Casey repeated and his heart rate began to increase, the confused expression that lay across his bruised and pale face was heart breaking and Severide didn't know what to do.

"I'm fine," Severide repeated himself, trying to reassure his friend but he had no idea of the panic that was going through Casey's mind right now.

Casey's heart rate showed no sign of slowing down, he was muttering words incoherently before the doctor decided to give him a mild sedative to prevent him causing himself any further damage.

_Waiting room_

Herrmann was sat on one of the pale blue chairs as Severide entered the waiting room. He didn't say a word as he sat down heavily nearby.

"Kelly?" Herrmann questioned, worried about the squad lieutenants demeanour.

"He still has a fever but he woke up," Severide replied, he thought he would have been pleased to announce that but the initial happiness had been overshadowed with worry. "He had a panic attack or something…" he admitted, "So they've sedated him again."

"I'll let Boden know," Herrmann replied and pulled out his phone after letting the news sink in. "You should go home, Severide, get some rest, I'll stay here," he advised, Severide looked exhausted, physically and emotionally drained.

Suddenly Doctor Andrews appeared and motioned for Severide.

"What's happened?" Severide questioned, he hadn't been away from Casey's bedside for long.

"We did some more blood tests and the results have come back; the infection's spread to the bone," the doctor explained grimly.

"I thought his fever was going?" Severide questioned knowing that his friends temperature had dropped, surely that had been a good sign a long with his brief consciousness.

"It has lessened but his temperature's still at 100.4," the doctor said.

"What does that mean?" Severide asked; in the forefront of his mind lay the worst case scenario the doctor had explained to him the day before.

"The infection will spread, the antibiotics aren't working fast enough; more tissue will die," Doctor Andrews replied with the facts, there was no point in trying to comfort his patients friend; decisions needed to be made.

Severide already understood what the implications this meant; if the infection kept spreading amputation was the only way to ensure a higher quality of life. "What can you do?" he asked, hoping for an option to prevent the worst case scenario.

"We can take him back into surgery; remove the damaged tissue and give the antibiotics a better chance," the doctor explained.

"What will that do?" Severide asked with concern, although he was sure it was better than letting the infection spread when there was a chance the antibiotics wouldn't be able to fight it meaning the only option would be to amputate.

"There may be some loss of function to that limb but we wouldn't know how much until we're back in there," the doctor said.

Loss of function was better than the loss of his leg so he agreed with a worried sighed, "Ok, if you think that's best?"

The doctor nodded, "I'll get the consent forms," and Severide remained standing hoping he was making all the right decisions for his friend.


	3. Waking

_Operating Room_

Casey had been prepped and taken into surgery for bone resection and debridement. The surgery was going to remove all the nonviable and infected tissue. Once the surgeon had removed the infected areas the space was then filled vascularised tissue from his ilium to maintain the skeletal integrity of the femur and reduce the risk of further infection. Whilst the procedure took place the surgical staff maintained the anaesthesia and monitored his temperature, respiration and heart rate. His fever and the malnourishment he had suffered could have easily turned a routine surgery into a catastrophic event but his body handled it well; his temperature, oxygen levels and heart rate remained stable and continued to remain stable after the surgery was completed and he lay in recovery waiting for the anaesthesia to wear off before he was taken back to the ICU.

 _Surgery Waiting Area_  
  
After signing the consent forms Severide had seen Casey briefly before they prepped him for surgery. He and Herrmann moved from the ICU area to a small waiting room near the post-op recovery room. Herrmann had informed Boden who had gone on to inform the rest of the house, along with Christie, that Casey was having a second surgery. Sitting in the waiting area Severide watched as members of truck and squad trickled into the room all with solemn expressions, concerned for their co-worker and friend.

"Christie," Boden greeted her when she arrived, "Sit down." He relinquished his own seat as the room was now full with most of the house and several others waiting for their own relatives.

"Why is he in surgery again?" she asked once she was seated.

"They're trying to stop the infection spreading," Severide explained softly. "His thigh bone is infected; osteomy… something… sorry…," he shook his head after trying to remember what the doctor had called the infection, "They're basically removing the infected tissue…"

"And bone?" Christie questioned.

Boden answered for him when he faltered. "Yes," he replied solemnly.

Severide couldn't stand it in the room any longer so he stood up and left; he needed some air.

Boden watched him with concern as he left but Christie got his attention once more, "What will happen to his leg?"

"We'll know more after the surgery," Boden replied simply.

_Hospital Entrance_

Severide burst outside into the fresh air, he hadn't been able to breathe in the waiting area.

"Kelly?" a voice called from behind him, it was Dawson, she had followed him when she saw him stand up and leave. "Are you ok?" she asked, now stood by his side.

He frowned, "I'm fine. I'm not the one in surgery," Dawson didn't reply and after a few moments taking in the fresh air he asked, "Did I make the right decision?"

"What do you mean?" Dawson asked confused about what he was asking her.

"I consented to this. I made the right choice, didn't I?" Severide asked insistantly. He needed to know that he had made the best decision for his friend.

"I don't know… I don't even know all the facts, I've not even seen him," she said with a mixture of distress and annoyance.

"Because only family and next of kin are allowed in the ICU…" Severide said simply.

"I'm his…" Dawson began with her voice raised.

"You're his what?" Severide shrugged with exasperation.

"I'm his…" she hesitated, "Friend."

"Who left him?" Severide spat out, he wasn't in the mood for this conversation.

"We put it on hold," she replied heatedly.

"For what? Your career?" Severide questioned angrily remembering how distraught Casey had been a few months ago when they put their relationship on hold. He shook his head, now was not the time or place for this conversation, "Look, Dawson, forget I said anything. I'm exhausted and I have no idea if I've made the right decision or not. Casey may never walk properly again, or be a firefighter because of my decision… because I didn't want to wait to see if he improved anymore on just the antibiotics… because I don't want them to amputate his leg!" Severide was out of breath by the time he finished and running his hand worriedly through his hair.

"Amputate?" Dawson said with surprise and concern, this was the first she had heard about it, everyone except Boden and Severide were only aware that the leg was infected; they hadn't been told the implications.

"Worst case scenario," he nodded. "The infection was spreading, this surgery…" he began to explain.

She didn't need him to explain anymore. "You've made the right choice then," she stated.

_Surgery Waiting Area_

The surgeon walked into the waiting area after his patient had been sent into the post-op recovery room and announced positively, "The surgery went well, no complications. He's in post-op at the moment, we'll let you know when he's back in the ICU." The tension in the room dropped and Severide let out a sigh of relief, so many things could have gone wrong in the surgery but it had gone smoothly.

Just as the surgeon turned to walk away Severide went up to him. "How is the leg?" he asked urgently.

"We actually removed very little tissue and bone. With physical therapy he should regain full function," the surgeon explained.

Severide let go of a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding, "Really?"

The surgeon nodded and Severide felt relieved once again. It was the best news they had had since Casey had been found.

_ICU_

Severide and Christie walked over to Casey's bedside. As they got closer Christie put her hand to her mouth in shock. "He's going to be ok," Severide reassured her. To him Casey actually did look better, there was more colour to his skin and the flush in his cheeks caused by the fever seemed to have gone although after glancing the monitors he knew his friend wasn't quite out of the woods yet; his temperature was still higher than it should be.

_Apartment_

Boden had insisted Severide went home and got some decent rest. Casey had been woken up in the post-op room and woke up again on his own in the ICU but he had been extremely groggy and was unaware of his surroundings, they were told this was nothing to worry about since he was still getting a high dose of morphine. It was deep into the night when he had arrived home but he had called Antonio despite the lateness of the hour only to be told there was no news. They were waiting for a statement from Casey. Frustrated that the police didn't seem to be doing anything he got out some of Casey's tools and began to neaten the edge around the hole in the wall he had created over a week ago. He needed to fix and plaster it so Casey would never notice there had been a gaping hole in the wall of their apartment.

_ICU_

It was mid-morning when Casey woke up lucidly for the first time since his second surgery. His fever had broken overnight and further blood tests showed the infection had stopped spreading; the surgery had been a success.

When Severide saw his friend starting to stir he stepped back away from the bed, he didn't want to cause Casey to panic like before, and called for the doctor.

Blearily Casey opened his eyes. He vaguely recalled that he was no longer in the dark and dank room where he had been continuously questioned. He squeezed his eyes shut again as if to rid the memories from his mind before opening them blearily again to look half-lidded around his surroundings. Everything seemed very slow and very bright. There was someone standing over him but it wasn't with malice, they were talking gently, they weren't yelling or threatening, they were smiling. The next thing he realised was how raw and dry his throat and mouth felt; like his throat had been scraped out with sandpaper. His body felt detached from his mind, his head seemed heavy and weighted down onto the bed and he came to the conclusion that he'd been given some very nice and very powerful drugs.

"Can you hear me, Matt?" Doctor Andrews asked.

"Mmm..." Casey mumbled in response. Severide was relieved; the doctor had been speaking to his friend for a while before he managed to reply. He wanted to speak to his friend too but decided to hold back and let Casey get his bearings.

Casey wanted to ask for a drink but he didn't dare; what if this wasn't real? What if he woke up and discovered he was back with them? He couldn't ask for a drink, they had made that very clear when they had begun to slice at his chest and back.

"Here Case," Severide took the opportunity to come into view and offer his friend an ice chip to soothe his sore throat and relieve his dry mouth but instead of opening his mouth Casey stared at Severide disbelievingly, "Casey?"

After a few moments Casey slurred quietly, "I'm... I'm hallucinating."

Severide glanced at the doctor who explained, "You're in the hospital Matt. You've been here for two days."

"This is real, bud," Severide said gently, Casey was still looking at him through half-lidded eyes as he was trying to figure out if he was telling the truth. Slowly Severide bought a hand down gently onto his friends arm, he wanted to prove to him that this was real. As soon as Severide touched skin Casey tried to jerk away but his heavily drugged body failed him and barely moved but Severide understood and took his hand back away from him immediately.

Casey understood now, he vaguely remembered shouting and suddenly being surrounded by policemen, it hadn't been a dream, they had found him. He was still very confused wondering how Severide could be by his bedside and confessed quietly. "But… but I saw them. I saw them kill you…" his words were staggered with tiredness.

Severide frowned, "I was never there."

_ICU Waiting Room_

"He's awake and talking," Severide announced. "Well he's asleep again now but he was… lucid," he explained to Brett, Dawson and Cruz. He sat down and sighed. Before drifting back to sleep Casey hadn't said anything more about the nine days he was missing. Angry he slammed his fist down on the chair next to him, what had those bastards done to him?

"Kelly?" Brett asked edgily, "What did he say?"

Severide shook his head, he didn't want to explain what had been said. "Has Antonio called?" he asked Dawson.

"There's been no news. They need to talk to Matt when he's up for it," she explained, "Is he ok?" she asked, concerned that Severide had not answered Brett's question, "Do you think we can see him soon?"

"I… I don't know," he admitted, Casey was doing much better physically but he knew the doctor was concerned about the psychological effects of his captivity, "They're transferring him to a private room later now he seems to be in the clear from the infection. They'll still be monitoring him really carefully but after everything he's been through a private room will be better for him."

_Precinct_

"Is Voight here?" Severide asked the desk sergeant.

Before he got an answer Antonio spotted him, "Kelly? What are you doing here?"

"Wanted to see how you were getting on?" he asked, determined to find out what was happening with the investigation.

"We're still questioning the man who was in the building when we found Casey but we're at a dead end, there's…" Antonio began.

"But you know it was Nesbitt! Arrest him again!" Severide yelled.

"You know there are protocols Kelly. Coming in here and demanding we arrest more people isn't going to help Casey," Antonio remained composed as Severide seethed angrily in front of him.

"The people who did this to him; they're still out there!" Severide shouted. The whole room was staring at the two of them as Antonio tried to calm down the situation.

"Gabby said Casey's doing better now? I'll come by later, talk to him if he's up to it?" Antonio suggested, "Get a statement if I can and hopefully we'll be able to bring Nesbitt in again and get some more names."

Severide was calmer now and hesitated before he admitted, "I'm… I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"What isn't?" Antonio asked with confusion, he thought Severide wanted them to arrest Nesbitt again.

"Talking to Casey," he replied with worry across his face.

"You've been with him when he's woken up, right?" Antonio asked. Severide nodded. "How was he?"

"He didn't think it was real… he thought I… he thought they had killed me," he admitted quietly, "They used me to hurt him."

"If Casey so much as just saw Nesbitt in those nine days, we'll bring him in as a material witness, we can hold him here with no time limit," Antonio thought out loud.

_Private Room_

Groggily Casey opened his eyes, the room was bright and warm; a stark contrast to his previous memories. The morphine dripping into the IV line made it feel like he was sinking into the bed

"Hey," Severide greeted him gently.

"How long?" he slurred. He could vaguely remember waking up several times but he hadn't been aware enough to say much never mind question anything.

"Nine days," Severide replied after assuming his friend was talking about his imprisonment.

"Felt longer," he muttered.

"Do you remember much?" Severide asked carefully.

Casey looked directly at him as he replied, "No." But his eyes told a different story; he remembered all of it. Severide saw through his response and he understood his friend's logic, if he pretended he couldn't remember then he wouldn't have to talk about it.

"Ok," Severide said, he wasn't going to push the matter, he wanted to let Casey have his control. "Antonio is going to want to speak to you soon, and show you some headshots, is that ok?" he questioned cautiously.

After a few moments Casey simply replied, "I'm tired." Severide knew he'd heard him, he was simply avoiding the question and he let him get away without answering; he knew all of Caseys control had been taken away from him, he didn't want to push him away by forcing anything on him.

When Severide said nothing more Casey tried to glance down at his body, he was in no pain, he could feel the thick cloud of drugs throughout his system and was thankful for it; he had spent days in agony. After the bullet had pierced his leg all he wanted was relief through whatever means necessary, even unconsciousness hadn't provided a break from the pain that the wound had created. He wondered if it still looked as grotesque as it had done during his captivity. He couldn't see much apart from the ceiling and the end board of the bed; he was lying nearly flat on his back. He tried to find the bed controls only to discover he could barely lift his arm off the bed.

Severide watched as Casey tried to move. "Here," Severide said, "I'll do it." He used the bed controls to help Casey sit up a little more, "Better?" But Casey didn't reply he was staring down at a body that didn't look like his own, it was much too thin, too bruised and too pale. His right leg was immobile in a black brace and pain free underneath the white bandaging. Looking at his arms he remembered the blood trickling down them as he was hung up until he lost consciousness and was allowed down until he'd regained consciousness only to have the process repeated over and over.

Casey seemed lost to the world, he'd paled and was paying no attention to Severides words. "Casey?" he questioned trying to bring his attention back. He placed a hand on his friends arm in order to bring him back to the present and was rewarded with a slight jerk and a sharp intake of breath as Casey tried to move away from him. "You're ok, Matt, you're in the hospital," he explained as Casey simply looked at him with wide watery eyes, "I'm going to get the doctor."


	4. Indifference

_Private Room_

Severide remained in the room as the doctor explained Casey's injuries to him. Casey tried to pay attention but he was weary and groggy. Oddly Casey thought he didn't really care what he was being told. Severide and the doctor would put this down to the morphine running through his system, in a few days the psychiatrist would highlight Casey's new indifferent attitude as an effect of the captivity. Casey knew he should be annoyed that given his other injuries his leg would take longer to recover from than usual. At least six months, the doctor had explained to him, whilst reassuring he would get the best help through the rehab process. Casey was apathetic and it worried Severide even more than the physical injuries, previously even under the haze of narcotics Casey would be demanding to get back to work as soon as possible, to get out of the hospital as soon as he could, but his expression hadn't changed the whole time the doctor spoke, if it weren't for the movement of his eyes Severide would have thought his friend was ignoring him.

Before leaving the room Doctor Andrews examined Casey, who continued to remain indifferent to the situation. After using the pen light to check his pupillary action he moved to the end of the bed asked, "Can you feel this?"

"Yeah," Casey replied nearly inaudibly as he watched the doctor put pressure on the sole of his right foot.

"Good Matt. Can you move your fingers for me?" he did as he was told and watched as his fingers move ever so slightly, "Good Matt." The cast on Casey's left arm, where he had sustained a fracture, would remain there for eight weeks. Normally they would have put a cast on his right wrist, where he had dislocated his ulna, but the deep lacerations that were created when he had been hung up his wrists had required extensive stitching. Therefore instead of a cast it was encased a white bandage and a removable black support wrap so they could check the wound for any signs of infection. These injuries meant the he wouldn't be able to use crutches to support himself once he was able to get out of bed and they also meant he would not be able to transfer himself from a bed to a wheelchair. Performing everyday tasks would feel like a marathon and Severide already worried about how his usually independent friend would cope.

The doctor left the room after a speaking for a few moments longer but Casey had paid him no more attention. Looking down at his leg he realised the IV lines in his arms must have been feeding him some heavy hitting drugs; there was still no pain. He was thankful for it, he was usually one to forego powerful painkillers but he was happy that his mind was clouded by a thick haze and his body felt like it was floating, he inwardly winced at the debilitating agony caused by the bullet.

_"Time's up Casey."_

Casey was staring down the barrel of a gun. _"If I knew I'd tell you," he repeated through gritted teeth._

_He heard a click as the safety was removed. The man leaned in closer, the gun remained in place, he whispered in his ear, "You can end this."_

_Casey shook his head wearily. "I don't know anything," his breaths were ragged. If he weren't being held up on his knees by an anonymous figure from behind he wouldn't have had the strength to keep himself up. Seven days with no food, limited water along with the injuries he had acquired had severely weakened him._

_Bang!_

_There was a moment of silence straight after the shot where he was surprised that the world didn't come to an abrupt end and then the agony hit him. It was worse than the death that would have occurred if the man hadn't dropped his aim as he fired the weapon. He screamed. His whole body was on fire._

_He didn't know when he'd been left alone praying for unconsciousness. His leg felt numb. He could smell the strong coppery scent of blood. He could hear someone crying. He vaguely wondered if he was bleeding to death before he finally lost consciousness._

"Casey?" Severide questioned with concern. Casey hadn't said anything, barely even blinked, after the doctor had left them. "Are you ok?" It took a few moments but eventually Casey looked directly at him. "Are you ok?" Severide repeated the question, Casey dropped his eye contact. "It's a lot to take in I know, a lot for me to take in as well," he smiled, "But you're not going to be alone or with strangers. I'll help. Every step of the way." Once again Casey didn't say anything but he knew he was listening, knew he understood. "Close your eyes Case, go to sleep, I know you want to," Severide smiled gently down at him.

Severide remained with Casey. The nurses came and checked his vitals, changed his IV bags, emptied his catheter, moved him the best they could without causing any pain whilst keeping his right leg and both arms slightly elevated with foam wedges to help reduce any swelling. It was vital to change his position, with the drugs and his incapacitating injuries he was bedridden for the time being and the staff were working tirelessly to prevent any pressure ulcers which could be detrimental to his recovery if he developed another infection.

The next time Casey woke up he wasn't lucid but Severide spoke to him nonetheless. Whilst his friend muttered incoherently he spoke about the weather, the new restaurant opening up near their apartment and he read the sports section from the newspaper out aloud. Severide's mindless natterings seemed to calm Casey and soon the incoherent mutters stopped and he remained conscious, his eyes glazed and lids half closed. The drugs pumping through his system were working wondrously in combatting the pain but they kept his mind snowed in. There would be times in the near future where he would remember the haziness of his drug induced stupor with a certain longing but he would never let anyone know, he would never admit that.

"Case?" Severide questioned, wondering if his friend was now aware of his surroundings.

"Mmm..." Casey muttered in response, unaware that he had already been conscious for half an hour.

"You in any pain?" he asked with concern.

"Mmmno..." Casey uttered groggily and shocked Severide by suddenly trying to sit up.

"Don't! Don't move," he raised his voice and went to stop his friends attempts at movement; he placed a hand on Casey's right arm. The raised voice and the pressure on his arm sent Casey into a panic. Severide immediately removed his hand and stepped back. "Matt..." Severide began calmly, "You're ok. You're in the hospital… no one's going to hurt you," he reassured him.

Eventually Casey managed to slow down his breathing and he visibly relaxed, "Sev?"

"Yeah it's me Case, you're ok," he repeated, he didn't what his friend had been thinking in his panic but he knew he must have gone back to the room they had found him in.

After a few moments of silence Casey muttered, "Sorry."

"No, I am. I shouldn't have… I should have thought," Severide admitted. He watched as Casey tried to swallow and inwardly admonished himself for not offering his friend anything to soothe his sore throat. It must have felt red raw after the nine days of captivity, strangulation and on top of that he had been intubated twice. "Here," Severide grabbed the cup of ice chips but Casey could barely move his arm to take one so Severide slowly brought one to his mouth so he didn't surprise his friend. Despite being unable to help himself Casey was thankful as the ice chip began to soothe his throat.

Soon a nurse entered the room. "Hi Matt, it's nice to see you awake," she smiled broadly, Severide watched his friend who remained expressionless as the nurse introduced herself. "My name's Katie, I'm one of your nurses, is it all right if I call you Matt?" she questioned brightly, Casey didn't answer so Severide gave her a quick nod and she continued, she was here to bathe him, another measure to prevent pressure sores, Casey looked worried at the prospect of someone touching him, previously he had been blissfully unconscious and unaware of any help he had been given.

"Do I get one too?" Severide joked, hoping to make Casey feel more at ease. Despite the haze of drugs having someone wash him felt incredibly embarrassing.

The nurse smiled but paid her attention to Casey. "If you feel uncomfortable at any point just let me know, I'm here to help and I promise you'll feel better after this," she smiled warmly, "I won't hurt you," she reassured him. Severide knew all the staff attending to Casey had been informed of the situation, they were all trained and knew how to handle someone who had been through similar cases to his.

"Ok," Casey replied meekly, making no eye contact with either Severide or Katie.

"Enjoy it," Severide smiled, hoping to make his friend much more comfortable and relaxed with the situation, "It's not every day you get the chance of a sponge bath from a lovely lady." Although Severide did realise this was going to be his friends 'every day' for quite some time he just wanted to let his friend know that it was ok to be helped like this. He decided to excuse himself to allow Casey as much privacy as possible, "I'm going to make a phone call, Case, I'll be back soon, I promise."

_Hospital Cafeteria_

"Antonio, I just wanted to let you know you shouldn't come today," Severide spoke into the phone.

"Why? How is he?" Antonio asked with concern.

"He's… just give him a few days. He's drugged up to the heavens right now and he doesn't want to talk about it," Severide explained.

"He's the only who can identify Nesbitt and his men, we need his statement, I thought you wanted to get the men that did this to him?" Antonio questioned with frustration.

"He's just been told the extent of all his injuries. He's going to be stuck in bed for the next two months. His leg is going to take at least six months and he might not even be walking on it then without assistance! All because you and the cops couldn't get anyone else in that club!" Severide uttered heatedly through the receiver, conscious of the people around him, "Just give him a few days. I don't think you'd get much out of him right now anyway; he's barely lucid when he is awake."

After ending the conversation with Antonio he made his ways slowly back to Casey's room two floors above. Just as he got there Dawson burst out the room with tears flowing down her face, she was a mess.

"Dawson? What's wrong? Is Matt ok?" he urged. Severide hadn't been gone long at all and wondered what could have possibly happened in such a short amount of time.

Dawson almost stormed past Severide without noticing him but her arm was grabbed and she was stopped in her tracks.

"What's wrong?" Severide questioned.

"He doesn't want me in there," she stated frustratingly.

Severide wasn't in the mood for consoling her when he wanted to get into Casey's room and make sure he was ok, "Don't take it personally; he's been through hell… and he's hardly coherent."

"He seemed pretty coherent to me," she stated before walking off leaving Severide outside Casey's room sighing, wondering what state his friend would be in when he entered.

_Private Room_

Casey was lying on his back, the nurse was just repositioning the pillows and pulling the bed covers back over his still form. "If you need anything at all just let me know, Matt," Katie smiled down at him warmly when there was a knock at the door. Until Dawson had arrived the sponge bath had actually been a lot less embarrassing than he thought it would be, Katie was professional and as she was aware of his previous reactions at being touched she had explained to him exactly what she was doing and he was grateful to her.

The nurse opened the door to find Severide stood apprehensively. "Is he ok?" he asked her as he glanced over at Casey who seemed no worse for wear, Katie nodded positively and left. "Case?" he called into the room. "Am I all right to come in?" he asked, wondering if the reason Dawson had left was because he just wanted to be on his own. By asking if he could enter his room Severide was trying to give Casey back some of the control that had been taken away from him.

When Casey turned his head slowly to the doorway and didn't protest Severide entered , grabbed a chair and pulled it up to the bed before taking a seat. "Hey," he smiled, "Feel better after that?"

"I guess," Casey mumbled in response.  
  
Now Severide was sat next him he knew his friend had been crying. "Did you like that nurse?" he asked cautiously, "If you were comfortable with her I'll see if we can request that she helps most the time," he smiled, all he wanted was his friend feel at ease whilst he was unable to do anything for himself, Casey's independence had always been important to him so making the next six months as bearable as possible was going to be a challenge.

"I guess," Casey repeated tiredly.

"I saw Dawson."  
  
Casey looked up at him with his eyes wide, even despite the left one remaining slightly swollen, he looked ready to cry.  
  
"Are you ok?" he asked lamely, of course Casey wasn't ok but he wanted to know what had upset him so he could stop it from happening again, "What happened?"

"She saw me," Casey replied quietly after a moment.

Severide frowned and then understood that Dawson must have walked straight into his room whilst the nurse had been bathing him.

"She cried," he stated, his bleary gaze focused on the end of the bed, "When she saw me she just cried," he explained sleepily with a small frown. "I don't want her here, not now. Is that horrible? I made her cry. She must hate me now," he spoke slowly, making his words clear in spite of the narcotics flowing through him.

"Casey look at me," Severide said and waited until his friend made eye contact to continue, "She doesn't hate you and you're not horrible. If you don't want her here that's fine and if at some point you don't want me here, or anyone else, let me know. You're in control here Casey."

"Even though I can't move… it sucks," he slurred but Severide noted the lighter tone in his voice so he smiled. Casey had been so indifferent whilst he had been conscious today that the show of emotions, even the crying, let Severide knew his friend was still the same, he was just hidden below the surface but after everything he had been through he wasn't surprised.


	5. Screaming

_Firehouse_

"How's Casey?" Herrmann asked as Severide entered the locker room just before roll call. Severide looked exhausted.

"He's…" Severide hesitated, he didn't want to tell him the truth; that his physical wounds were going to take at least six months to heal and emotionally he was a complete mess even though so far he'd barely been lucid because of all the drugs. "He's ok... well, he will be."

"You let him know if he needs anything, anything at all, we're there," Herrmann spoke earnestly.

Connie walked into the locker room and announced, "Chief Boden wants to see you in his office lieutenant."

Severide knocked at Boden's door and entered when the chief acknowledged him.

"Chief," he greeted him curtly.

"Today's newspaper," Boden stated as he pushed the paper across the desk, the headline read 'Missing Firefighter Found,' it wasn't a front page article, just small article covering just half a page of which half again was taken up by a photo of Casey.

Severide sighed and shook his head, wondering how the news had got out. "At least he won't see it," he consoled, glad his friend wouldn't see the article; he hated being in the spotlight.

"How is he?" Boden asked.

"Not good but he's not really been coherent yet," he replied glumly.

"I'm going to pop by the hospital later and check in on him," Boden stated.

"I told him I'd be back as soon as shift was over," Severide explained. "Oh when you do see him; knock. There was an incident with Dawson yesterday."

It was a slow shift, Severide had called the hospital several times to check on Casey, who he was told had spent most of his time asleep. Severide was thankful that the narcotics they were providing sheltered him from the harsh reality for the time being.

"Let's take a ride," Severide stated as he stood up from the squad table.

_Stilettos_

"You!" Severide yelled as he walked into the closed club wearing his turnout trousers and saw Nesbitt by the bar.

"Do I know you?" Nesbitt questioned.

"You bastard!" he yelled as he stormed up to the other man.

"I saw they found Casey," Nesbitt said omitting no emotion.

"You'd know!" Severide said incredulously, "The cops will be arresting your sorry ass any day now for what you've done to him!"

"Whatever happened to Casey; he brought it on himself," Nesbitt stated simply and Severide saw red.

_Private Room_

Just as Severide had said he was back by Casey's bedside the morning his shift finished. He sat flicking through a magazine but he was paying it little attention. He looked over to the bed when he noticed Casey's breathing change ever so slightly; he was waking up. He watched as he slowly opened his eyes and took in his surroundings, "Hey bud, you're in the hospital."

"What happened to your face?" Casey slurred after a few moments studying the figure sat by his bed.

"Oh just an accident," Severide dismissed.

He frowned and mumbled almost indistinctly, "With a fist?"

"How you feelin' today?" Severide asked, changing the subject.

He hesitated before he replied quietly, "I don't feel anything."

Severide didn't know how to respond. Casey was lying here so vulnerable and exposed; he was broken. Before Severide arrived in Casey's room he had spoken to Doctor Andrews who'd informed him that now Casey was recovering from his physical injuries a psychiatrist was going to talk to him when the morphine was reduced a little. Casey had barely said a word about his captivity, he was trying to be his usual stoic self by locking it all up inside himself but there were gaping cracks around his façade; he would wake up yelling and screaming and when questioned by the hospital staff he reverted into himself. The nurse on duty last night highlighted an incident where nothing seemed to console Casey and they had to sedate him before he could hurt himself and Severide wished he had been there for his friend, he wished there was a drug to stop the nightmares.

Casey's mind felt so clouded, waking up was a disorientating experience especially since he didn't seem to be able to move, but he felt safe in the cocoon of drugs. In the back of his mind he knew he should be less complacent and more aware of his surroundings but he'd given up. He'd given up even before they'd shot him in the dark dank room; he'd given up caring, he'd given up any hope of escape, he'd given up on life, he had had nothing to fight for so he gave up and gave in to the pain that seemed to be his everyday existence. Now the pain was gone he hadn't gained back his will to live, he didn't care anymore, even with the pain gone the memories plagued him, he couldn't push them away, they were at the forefront of his mind, the scenes were on repeat, taunting him, he couldn't escape then and he couldn't escape now. He'd made the woman he thought he loved cry just from the sight of him, even in his incoherent state he noticed the pitying looks he received from all the hospital staff, he knew he should care but he didn't and he wanted to remain in this state of indifference because if he didn't care nothing could hurt him.

Severide stayed by Casey's bedside as he drifted in and out of consciousness. He left the room once during the day to give Casey some privacy, despite his unconscious state, whilst he was bathed and his dressings were changed. It was early evening before his friend was coherent enough to hold a conversation again.

"Hey," he mumbled.

"Hey," Severide repeated with a grin, happy his friend had greeted him first and had recognised his surroundings immediately without a panicked look in his eyes. They had reduced his pain medication slightly a few hours ago; it wasn't safe to keep him on such a high dosage for too long. Over the next few days they would reduce the morphine incrementally and see how Casey coped. Severide wished he could remain completely pain free for the rest of his life; he couldn't begin to imagine the agony he had suffered at the hands of his captives.

Casey said nothing more and they spent the next few moments in silence until Severide watched as Casey frowned. "How long have I been here?" he slurred.

"Four days," Severide replied gently, he realised how confusing it must be; Casey had lost all concept of time during his captivity and it was nearly impossible for one not to become disoriented in the hospital where the lights were bright and there was activity at all hours of the day. "Do you want a drink? Something to eat?" he asked, Casey was still receiving much needed nutrition through the NG tube but he knew he needed to start eating at some point; he was almost dangerously thin when he was found and now even more so. "I can get you anything you want?"

It took Casey awhile to reply. "I'm tired," he muttered.

Disappointed that he didn't know how to persuade Casey to eat, the usual standard threat of having to eat to be released was not one he could even consider using because Casey knew full well that he wouldn't be getting out the hospital any time soon even if he wanted to. "Ok," he accepted and he stood up to dim the lights in the room hoping it would allow his friend to sleep restfully.

Just as he began to lower the lighting he heard Casey, it pulled at his heartstrings when his usually stoic friend suddenly sounded completely distressed as he spoke clearly for the first time since he'd been here, "Don't please." Severide immediately turned the lights back on fully and walked briskly to Casey's bedside.

Casey's eyes were scrunched shut and his breathing was hitched. "It's ok, it's light now, you can open your eyes," he said soothingly, making a mental note to tell the staff to leave the lights on at all times.

Slowly Casey opened his eyes, he could hear Severide speaking softly to him, he was in the hospital, he wasn't with _them_ ; he was safe here. Severide was smiling down at him and felt relieved, "Hospital," he muttered in confirmation to his surroundings whilst he repeated it in his head; he was in the hospital, he wasn't with _them_. It was over, he was safe here, nothing else could happen to him, especially not with Severide by his side.

"Yeah," Severide nodded, "You're in the hospital, you're fine. Just you and me in this room," he said reassuringly.

"Sorry," Casey slurred, "Get confused. They…" he hesitated.

"I'm listening Case," Severide reassured him, gave him permission to continue, pleased that he wanted to say something.

"They said they had you," Caseys words were quiet and strained, "I heard you… with them. But it wasn't you?" The lost expression lying across Casey's face was enough to bring tears to his eyes; his heart broke when he thought about the hell his friend had been through.

"No," Severide shook his head confirming once again that he was never there before cautiously asking, "What did they do?" He wasn't sure he wanted the answer but knew talking, letting someone know what happened, would help Casey move on from this.

_Casey was lying on the cold floor, his clothes had been stripped from him two days ago, his arms were still up above his head, he daren't move them, agony shot through them with the slightest of movements and he was only just regaining the feeling his hands after being hung up by them for fifteen minutes. He could hear Severide somewhere nearby. His friend was in pain, he was screaming. Casey couldn't do anything to stop it. He had yelled until his throat was sore, repeating over and over again to the man in the suit that he didn't know anything, that he'd already told them everything, to hurt him instead, to let his friend go, he hadn't done anything wrong. He was so out of it he couldn't even make up any lies, couldn't send them away with false information just the leave his friend alone, his mind was blank. Tears were flowing freely down his face, making tracks in the blood, sweat and dirt. Severides screams were echoing through his mind and then;_

_Bang! Bang!_

_It was over. There was silence. Casey couldn't breathe, his chest was heaving and he couldn't catch any air. He tried to roll over onto his side as he felt his stomach lurch but he couldn't move. He retched and nothing but bile came out and spluttered down his cheek and onto the floor._

"They killed you," tears were flowing down Casey's face but he spoke clearly, "Because I didn't know what they wanted... I couldn't tell them anything."

Severide didn't know what to do or say to comfort him, he wasn't the type of person to hug but all he wanted to do right now was to lean forwards and embrace Casey. He knew not to though, he didn't want to invade his friend's personal space.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Severide said reassuringly but Casey looked at him with darkness in the depths of his eyes, Casey was hiding something he felt guilty about and Severide wondered if he'd ever open up to him.

_Apartment_

Severide had stayed with Casey until the end of visiting hours forced him home. He'd filled a bag with clothes, loose joggers, board shorts, some tops and loose hoodies. He didn't know when Casey would get to wear them but if they were with him at the hospital they would be ready for him. All he had brought him so far was a few toiletries.

He was currently sat on the floor by the TV choosing some DVDs to take back to the hospital with him in the morning; once Casey was more alert he was sure to get bored being confined to the bed and would need something to distract him from his dark memories. The task was surprisingly difficult, he didn't want anything to trigger Casey. _Die Hard,_ no. _Iron Man,_ no. _Saving Private Ryan,_ no. _Gladiator,_ no. _Point Break,_ no. _Mission Impossible,_ no. Severide sighed, why did they only seem to possess films with guns, bad guys and fighting? He managed to put a few in a bag to take; some must have belonged to Shay he thought sadly.

_Hospital Corridor_

Just as Severide was about to knock at Casey's door, the nurse, Katie, opened the door.

"Morning Lieutenant," she greeted him. "He's asleep," she stated, "He was given a sedative a few hours ago, he won't wake up for another couple of hours and he'll be pretty groggy when he does."

"What happened?" Severide asked, frowning with concern.

"The same as last night," she replied sadly. Casey woke up screaming himself hoarse. It could be heard at the end of the ward. Nothing had consoled him so he was given a sedative to stop him from harming himself as he found energy out of nowhere and tried to push himself off the bed, to move away from his attackers. He'd aggregated all his injuries. His incoherent mind couldn't understand that he can barely use his arms as they're hindered by a cast and support wrap, and hampered down by numerous IV lines. His left leg is perfectly able though and he'd nearly kicked out at the doctor who pushed the sedative into the port. Casey had winced in agony despite the morphine as he attempted to move his right leg, unaware it was encased in a splint and held together with a IM rod and stitches. Katie explained, "He pulled a couple of stitches on his chest too this time."

"Did he say anything?" Severide wondered.

"He wasn't lucid at all," Katie replied, "Doctor Lawson is scheduled to see him later today if he's coherent."

"Doctor Lawson?" Severide questioned.

"He's a psychiatrist; he'll just have a chat with him…" Katie began.

"See what's going on in his head?" Severide said with a frown, "He won't talk about it."

"He won't force him to talk," she explained.


	6. Lawson

_Private Room_

Casey opened his eyes. It felt like an unbelievably difficult task, his eye lids felt heavy and laden down whilst his mind struggled to push through the fog of sleep. When he managed to crack open his eyes he was comforted in the knowledge that he still lay in the bright hospital room and he was happy to see Severide by his side. He was too tired to say anything, his mouth felt dry and his body felt like it was sinking into the bed. Severide spoke to him but he couldn't focus on the words being said but he was smiling so Casey let his eyes fall back closed and he drifted back to sleep.

He woke up again a few hours later to discover the chair usually occupied by Severide was empty. He felt a lot more aware now, he could feel a tightness in his chest, his limbs felt heavy and cumbersome encased in plaster and braces. He felt sore and tender but he didn't feel pain; everything just ached. He wanted to sit up and inspect his body but he couldn't move, he couldn't even raise an arm to find the bed controls.

He didn't know how much had passed before there was a knock at the door, the two sharp noises startled him slightly and he had to remind himself where he was. The door opened and a figure wearing a woollen jumper and corduroy trousers under a well-worn lab coat stood in the door way. It was a doctor but one he did not recognise. "Hi there, I'm Doctor Lawson," he smiled and entered the room. Casey wanted to object to the man's entrance but he didn't. As the doctor pulled up a stool and sat by his bedside he spoke again, "You can me Daniel, Lawson, whatever you're comfortable with. Is it ok if I call you Matt? Or do you prefer something else?"

Casey didn't reply.

"I bet you're wondering why I'm here? Or maybe not; you've been seen by quite a lot doctors over the last few days haven't you?" Doctor Lawson spoke softly with a small reassuring smile.

Once again Casey didn't say anything.

"I'm a psychiatrist," he explained, "I'm going to need to an assessment but not right now, right now we're just gonna chat; you don't have to say anything or even listen to my ramblings if you don't want to." What the doctor didn't say was that he'd begun Casey's mental status examination as soon as he entered the room. He was observing Casey's attitude, behavior, thought process and content amongst other things; usually the assessment took one session but given the lieutenant's physical injuries and the fact he was still heavily dependent on the strong narcotics he had decided to have a few informal visits over the course of a few days to monitor him.

"Where's Kelly?" he slurred.

"He's outside Matt, would you feel more comfortable if he was with you?" the doctor asked.

 _'Yes,'_ he thought, "No, I'm fine," he replied.

"You're roommates right? And you work together?" the doctor asked with a smile.

Casey gave a small nod.

"How long have you worked together?" he asked.

"Been with him at 51 with him since I got my promotion, knew him before that though," Casey explained quietly, wondering what any of these questions had to do with anything.

"Have you been roommates for a while then?" the doctor enquired.

Casey frowned wondering what the purpose of the questions were but they seemed harmless so he answered them; "He moved in less than a year ago."

"You were on your own before?" Doctor Lawson wondered, trying to get a picture of Casey's life.

He hesitated before he replied, "It's complicated." Quickly he added, "I'm tired." He didn't want the doctor to start asking any more personal questions.

"I won't take too long and then you can rest," the doctor stated. "Do you remember much of your captivity?" he asked softly.

"Captivity?" Casey repeated quietly, "You normally associate that word with animals right? Animal cruelty..."

"Sometimes," he replied passively, "Do you remember much of it?"

 _'All of it,'_ Casey thought. "No," he replied and before the doctor could say anything else he stated, "I'm tried." He really was tired but more than anything he now wanted to get the man out of the room so no more invasive questions to be asked.

"Ok," the doctor smiled curtly. "Just one more question."  
  
Casey frowned with worry.  
  
"What's your favourite food?"

"What?" Casey mumbled, unsure if he'd misheard the question.

"Favourite food?" the doctor repeated.

"Erm…" Casey frowned, "… Why?"

"Thought we could have another chat over lunch tomorrow," Doctor Lawson explained.

"I don't… I…" it was clear to the doctor how distressed Casey had become over a simple question that required a choice for an answer.

"Man's got to eat," the doctor stated with a warm smile. "And that," he indicated to the NG tube, "Can't be very nice."

Casey hadn't given much thought to the NG tube, until recently he hadn't even realised it was there. After he had gone the first two days without food he had stopped feeling hungry; he was weak and lethargic. After six days he could barely recall the taste of food and he was so weak he couldn't even move to the pot in the corner of the room. He grimaced inwardly with embarrassment as he remembered. His body was now so thin he didn't even recognise it.

"Turkey sandwich?" he suggested, wondering it was a good answer; he didn't think he even had a favourite food.

"Sounds perfect," the doctor replied with a broad smile.

_Hospital Corridor_

"How is he?" Severide asked the psychiatrist as soon as the door closed behind him.

"He's showing classic signs of acute stress disorder but I'm not rushing to diagnose him at the moment," Doctor Lawson explained. Casey had barely made any eye contact during the whole encounter, he showed significantly reduced intensity in emotional expression, Doctor Lawson had already spoken to the hospital staff that were treating him as well as Severide. From Severide he already understood that there had been a drastic change in behavior. Severide had informed him how unusually apathetic he had been when his injuries were explained to him. Casey was detached. When he was coherent he exhibited anxiousness around those he wasn't comfortable with which seemed to be everyone except for Severide. His behavior, mannerisms, intrusive thoughts and flashbacks along with the intense nightmares he was having were indicative of post-traumatic stress disorder; it wasn't unexpected given the circumstances. He became distressed at reminders of his captivity; the darkness, loud noises and soon they would realise certain words would even trigger a flashback.

"Can you help him? Can I? What can I do?" Severide urged.

"Be there for him; like you are already. We're not going to try and force him to talk about what happened we're going to help him deal with it, help him feel comfortable and let him process everything that's happened to him. I understand that the police need a statement from him?" the doctor enquired.

Severide sighed and nodded, "They want to show him pictures too…"

"If he feels up for it when the painkillers are reduced then I'm not against it but we can't force him to do anything, he's already detached himself from the world around him; we don't want him to retreat any further. I think it would help if you were there when the police talk to him if he says he's willing too," Doctor Lawson explained.

_Private Room_

Casey was asleep when Severide entered so he took his usual seat and kept watch over his friend. More than anything he wanted to help Casey, he was so worried about making one wrong move and worsening the situation. Taking his anger out on Nesbitt yesterday wasn't the wisest idea but it had made him feel better. He pulled out a few of Casey's things from the box he had brought; he had got some photos of him and his crew along with a blanket from home. If he had chance tomorrow he would sort out a new phone for him so he could access his emails and speak to anyone if he wanted.

Katie came in and out a few times, changing Casey's position and checking his bandages. It wasn't until the end of the day that Casey stirred again. He muttered incoherently but remained still.

"Case, you're in the hospital," Severide stated, hoping his friend could hear him and began to calmly recall a tale in order to relax him, "Do you remember that house fire a while back; we spent ages looking for this woman's baby? Ended up being one those little handbag dogs? She gave you the biggest wettest kiss I've ever seen!" he smirked at the memory.

"Walked round with lipstick on my cheek for ages..." Casey muttered as he opened his eyes.

"I really should have got photo evidence of that!" Severide grinned, happy Casey was awake. Now they were reducing the morphine he would be waking up much more regularly, Severide only hoped Casey would be able to deal with everything he'd been through as with the lack of drugs he would become much more aware of his thoughts and they weren't likely to be pleasant. "You wanna sit up?" Casey nodded and Severide used the controls on the side of the bed to adjust it so he was no longer lying down.

Severide watched as Casey glanced down at his body, his right leg was left uncovered and was elevated on top of a pillow. He was wearing compression socks to reduce the risk of DVTs because he wasn't mobile. Weakly Casey took hold of the soft blanket Severide had brought from home. "Thanks," he muttered.

"You want anything else from home just me know," Severide stated. "Drink?" he offered. Casey nodded so Severide placed the cup and straw to his mouth only he heard a sharp intake of breath as Casey turned his head away, "Case?"

"Can't..." he breathed.

Severide frowned with a mixture of confusion and concern. It took a moment to realise that during his captivity if he were bound the men would have held his water just like Severide had done. "Do you think you can grip it? The cup I mean," Severide asked carefully, he didn't want to cause any further distress and didn't want him to be annoyed at the implication that he may not yet have the strength to even drink without assistance.

Casey didn't reply but slowly he took hold of the cup and allowed Severide to help him bring it carefully up to his dry lips where he took a few sips.

"Good?" Severide questioned and his friend nodded, allowing him to take back the cup and place it on the side, "Do you want me to get you something other than water? They've got thick milkshakes in the cafeteria?"

"Erm… maybe tomorrow," Casey replied tiredly.

"That Doctor Lawson, Daniel, right? He seemed nice?" Severide said wondering what Casey had thought to him, Severide had always hated the idea of seeing a shrink and knew Casey was likely to object to the idea.

"I guess," Casey replied quietly.

"What d'ya talk about?" Severide enquired, wondering if his friend would open up to him anymore.

Casey frowned, "You." He was surprised the doctor hadn't asked him about his feels or demanded he tell him what happened.

"Huh, really? You tell him I snore?" Severide joked.

"You don't," Casey stated, he had taken the question literally.

"Did you…" he hesitated, "Did you tell him anything?"

"Did I tell him what happened? No," Casey replied tiredly, "I know they want me to talk about it all and you want me to talk about it."

"Talking might help," he suggested gently.

"It won't," Casey replied admittedly.

"It might make you feel a bit better but if you don't think it will then that's fine too…" he explained.

"But if I want to you'll listen right?" Casey interrupted vindictively, glaring at Severide.

The sudden change in demeanor surprised him but Severide feigned ignorance to Casey's tone and replied softly, "Of course I will."

"Well I don't want you to know. I don't want anyone to know," Casey responded as he dropped eye contact.

"Ok," Severide replied simply. He didn't want to force anything out his friend.

"I'm tired," Casey stated. Severide knew this was now his friend's way of retreating back away from the outside world.

Aware of the sour direction their conversation had taken Severide wondered if his friend would prefer to be on his own for the time being so gently he questioned, "Do you want me to go?"

Casey panicked. "I didn't say…" his voice quivered. He had desperately wanted to say 'no' but he couldn't, he couldn't admit that he wanted Severide to stay with him because when he was on his own he was plagued by memories and intrusive thoughts.

"It's ok, I'm not going," Severide quickly reassured him.

_Apartment_

Severide spent the evening reading up on acute stress disorders and PTSD, things to look out for and the different treatments on offer. Although Doctor Lawson hadn't made any diagnosis yet since Casey was still on a cocktail of heavy hitting drugs and it was too soon to tell even with the various indicators he was exhibiting. He continued reading various articles on the internet, what struck him the most was discovering that it would likely be very hard for Casey to regain a sense of trust in the world, that even after all his physical wounds healed there would still be much deeper scars. Would his life ever be the same again? Severide was so concerned at making sure the infection in his leg didn't result in amputation so he could go back to work but what if the psychological effects had been far too damaging for him to ever go back to work and live life as he had? Severide thought back to the hospital wondering if Casey trusted him, he didn't send him out the room like he did with Dawson and Casey allowed him to help him drink. He also allowed Katie to wash him when he was conscious and allowed doctor Lawson to sit and speak to him. Casey was even stronger than he thought, despite what had happened to him he was still allowing people to be involved with his life, to help him, even though he seemed to desperately try to detach himself from the memories of his nine days of hell. He would get through this and Severide would help him as much as he could.

_Precinct_

The next day Severide received a phone call just as he was about to leave the apartment and go to the hospital. It was from Antonio asking him to come down to the station.

"Lieutenant Severide, here to see Antonio Dawson," he stated at the front desk.

"He'll be down in a few minutes," the desk sergeant replied after making a quick phone call.

"Kelly, follow me," Antonio instructed when he appear a few moments later. Severide follow him up to an office. "You did some facial work on Nesbitt?" Antonio asked having seen Severides own black eye.

"Why? Is he pressing charges?" Severide asked without concern.

"You're lucky he isn't," Antonio replied, "I told you not to do anything reckless; you could hinder this investigation!"

"Whatever," Severide shrugged. "I've got to go to the hospital; you know 'cause Casey's there because you," he stated reproachfully before briskly walking out of the building.

_Private Room_

Severide was met with a happy surprise after he knocked and entered Casey's room. There was table over the bed, a brown paper bag lying on top. Doctor Lawson was sat by Casey's bedside. Casey was eating and he greeted Severide with a genuine smile.

"That looks good," Severide stated, grinning from ear to ear. He didn't what the doctor had done or said but Casey seemed much more like Casey, in the back of his mind he wondered how long it would last, his mood had changed so suddenly yesterday.

Casey took another small bite of the sandwich held carefully in his right hand. He nodded in agreement and his smile seemed to light up the room.

Doctor Lawson spoke up enthusiastically, "Best turkey sandwich I've ever had!"

Severide was pleased when Casey looked to the doctor and smiled in agreement. He seemed to trust him and Severide felt relieved.

Casey didn't manage to eat much at all, he knew he couldn't, he didn't want to throw up and make an embarrassment of himself. When Doctor Lawson had suggested they had lunch together he wasn't sure what to make of it, but when the man sat down without a word and took half the sandwich from the bag and began eating it Casey watched him with a mix of apprehension and confusion. After a few bites the doctor indicated to the bag, slowly Casey raised his right arm and managed to awkwardly remove the sandwich from the bag, the support wrap kept all but his fingers immobile. For a while he sat and eyed the sandwich before glancing at the man who was still enjoying the other half. He took a bite and then another and smiled.


	7. Remembering

_Private Room_

It was dark outside the hospital. Casey had drifted in and out consciousness most of the day, he hadn't noticed Severide leave but he knew he wasn't there anymore.

_He opened the front door to find Katya; she looked terrified. As she entered the apartment she began to explain how Nesbitt and his 'investors' were trafficking girls. "I know," Casey replied. "I've been working with the police," he explained._

_"That's good Matt, I've been writing it all down in a notebook; everyone involved and all the different locations they use," Katya responded._

_"Have you got it with you? We can go to the station now, together," Casey suggested._

_"It's not with…" Katya began but the back door to the apartment burst open._

_Nesbitt entered, he was followed by a man in a suit that Casey recognised as one of the Bulgarians from the club. He was aiming his gun at Katya who edged further back into the kitchen. Casey put his arms up in surrender; he didn't want to escalate the situation. "Where is it?" the Bulgarian demanded; they must have followed Katya to the apartment and listened in on their conversation._

_"I'm not telling you anything!" Katya yelled._

_Bang!_

Casey woke with a start, he was breathing heavily, and suddenly he realised there was someone with him in the hospital room. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to wake you," a nurse he didn't recognise stated.

"You didn't," he replied sleepily.

She finished making her notes in his chart before asking, "Do you want anything?"   
  
Casey shook his head and was soon left alone.

_"Casey!" the sharp voice woke him up. He was lying on his back, his head was throbbing, he could feel a gentle trickle of blood running down his face. He squinted, the room was only partially lit by a small luminous bulb hanging from the ceiling. It smelt old and musty and it was cold and damp._

_"Casey!" the voice yelled again. It was the same man who had shot and killed Katya, the same man that had dragged him away from his attempts to stem the bleeding as the blood had pumped out of her chest. The man indicated to the other anonymous person in the room. Suddenly he was hauled upwards onto his knees. "Jack," the Bulgarian spoke and Casey realised Nesbitt was stood in the open doorway._

_"Matt Casey," Nesbitt began softly as he walked over to him, kneeling down he spoke calmly, "We could have had a good thing going, why did you have to go the cops? Now you've gotten Katya killed. I liked her." He frowned, they must not have realised the police were already onto them, and before Antonio and Voight had approached him Casey would have had no cause to go to the police. "What have you told them?" Nesbitt asked smoothly._

_"Nothing," Casey replied honestly, "They came to…" The Bulgarians fist slammed into his solar plexus. He struggled to breathe._

_"What have you told the cops?" Nesbitt demanded._

_"Nothing," he repeated breathlessly, "I don't know anything; I'm not ly…" This time the Bulgarian hit his side and the pain radiated throughout his body. "They came to me..." he groaned, he was still struggling to catch his breath from the first hit when fist another slammed into his chest again._

_"You can make this easy Casey, or you can make it really difficult for yourself. What do the cops know?" Nesbitt asked again._

_"That you're trafficking girls," he replied loathingly._

_"How did you find out? Did Katya tell you? Trisha?" Nesbitt questioned._

_"The cops told me," he said. "I don't know anything," he repeated._

_Nesbitt glanced at the Bulgarian with concern before the anonymous figure behind Casey let go. He slumped down onto the floor. "If you don't start talking it's only going to get worse," Nesbitt stated._  
  
The door slammed shut and Casey was plunged into darkness.

He was breathing heavily when he woke, he was scared to open his eyes and discover he was still in the dark room he'd been kept in for nine days. Eventually he cracked them open and was relieved to discover the glimmering bright lights of the hospital room. He desperately wanted to stay awake but knew even then he couldn't stop the memories from plaguing his mind even if he were conscious and he was already drifting back off to sleep.

_Firehouse_

Severide was greeted with numerous questions, all regarding Casey, as he entered the common room just before roll call. Everyone wanted to know how he was doing, they wondered if he was up to having visitors yet and asked if there was anything they could do to help. He decided he should let everyone know what was happening, to ease their concern and satisfy any curiosity that made lead them to visit Casey unannounced.

"He's doing better" he said positively. "He's got a long recovery ahead of him, but he's doing ok," he reassured them.

"How long?" Cruz asked with concern.

"Six months at least," Severide admitted glumly. "He won't be able to start rehab on his leg anytime soon 'cause of his other injuries," he confessed.

"How's he really doin'?" Herrmann questioned, the whole house knew Casey didn't cope well being stuck in hospital and side-lined.

"He's still sleeping nearly twenty three hours a day at the moment but he's all right," Severide replied. He knew it wasn't quite the answer they wanted but he didn't want to tell them how fragile Casey was right now, how six months was very optimistic given the psychological trauma he sustained.

"He was missing for nine days… What did they do? _Is_ he ok?" Otis questioned, wanting to know more about the state of their lieutenant and friend.

Severide hesitated before putting on a positive face and confidently stating, "It's Casey, he'll be fine."

_Private Room_

Casey seemed to spend most of his time fluctuating between levels of consciousness; it made for quite a disorienting experience. His room was brightly lit at all times by Severides request but he didn't know that. He was relieved that he no longer had to wake up in darkness but the concept of time eluded him. When there was a member of staff in his room he wanted to ask them what day it was but he didn't; he remained silent and only spoke when they asked him simple questions.

The morphine was still shielding him from a painful reality but he was already becoming more aware of his thoughts and body as the heavy hitting painkillers were reduced. Casey realised soon he would have to begin to contend with his injuries, and the amount of time they were going to take to heal, but for now he could still remain content in a hazy world wrapped up by drugs.

When he woke up to discover Severide was not sitting in the chair he reminded himself that he would be on shift; he began to work out how many days he'd been in the hospital from that information alone as he knew his friend had worked another shift whilst he had been here but his clouded mind didn't seem to be able to process the information.

At some point during the day Doctor Lawson knocked and entered his room with another brown paper bag. "Hi Matt, how are you feeling today?" the doctor pulled a stool up to the bedside.

"Fine," Casey replied simply.

"What do you think I'm going to do?" the doctor asked abruptly surprising Casey who just frowned in response, "You're looking at me with suspicion in your eyes. Why? I've not hurt you have I?" Casey dropped his eyes away from the doctor. "Have I hurt you?" Lawson repeated.

Casey shook his head and uttered, "No."

"Do you think I will hurt you?" the doctor asked

"I…" Casey hesitated.

"Have I done something to suggest that I might hurt you?" Lawson was urging him to think about why he was much more reluctant and uncomfortable with everyone he'd seen at the hospital besides Severide. He wanted Casey to understand that it was illogical, that he was safe now and that he could slowly start to move on.

"I… I don't know," Casey stuttered and then elaborated, "I know you won't... but... but I don't know." He frowned, he realised he must have sounded crazy.

"It's difficult trust anyone," the doctor stated understandingly.

"No," he replied.

"You trust Lieutenant Severide?" Lawson asked.

"Yeah… and everyone else," he responded.

"You've not wanted any other visitors?" the doctor enquired.

"No," he agreed.

"But you trust them?" Lawson questioned him.

"I don't want them to see me," he clarified.

"What do you want Matt? Right now, what do you want?" Lawson asked and Casey just shook his head negatively, "You must want something? What is it?"

"You to stop asking me questions," Casey admitted.

"Good," Lawson said simply.

"Good?" he hadn't been expecting that answer.

"You've not asked for anything since you got here. Why is that do you think?" Lawson urged.

"Aren't you supposed to figure that out?" Casey replied sardonically.

"You know the answer," the doctor stated.

Casey began almost inaudibly, "Because I was…" he took a deep breath. "I was kidnapped… and hurt. And now I can't feel anything except… except fear," he admitted.

"Fear of it happening again?" Lawson questioned to see if he could get anything else out the lieutenant.

"No," he replied simply, "Remembering."

"Matt it's nothing to be ashamed of, what you went through, what you endured, that takes strength," Lawson reassured him.

"I wasn't strong," Casey said, it was barely a whisper. Slowly he made eye contact with the doctor, panicked he said, "You won't tell anyone? You're a doctor, you can't, right?"

"Anything we talk about is between us," Lawson confirmed.

_Firehouse_

"Chief," Severide greeted Boden as he entered his office.

"Close the door Kelly," Boden commanded softly.

"What's up?" Severide wondered.

"I have just been on the phone with Chief Tiberg," Boden stated grimly.

"Casey?" Severide assumed.

"He would rather replace Casey's position permanently than have a relief in place for six months plus, it would be better for the dynamic of the crew, his words," Boden admitted, appalled at the suggestion.

""What? You can't let…" Severide began heatedly.

"That is not how we treat our people. I'm going to speak to Herrmann, request he take Casey's position until he returns. If Tiberg weren't trying to make Commissioner he wouldn't be trying to change things around," Boden explained.

"Good," Severide nodded, "He needs to return to this, not something new or temporary. I don't understand Tiberg, Casey doesn't have one black mark on his record."

"He is one of the best lieutenants in this city," Boden stated.

"Tiberg's got his head stuck up his…" Severide was interrupted by a knock at the door. it was Herrmann so Severide left the office.

_Private Room_

Casey lay awake in his room, his head to the right, looking at the window. The venetian blinds were closed so he realised it must be dark outside. Doctor Andrews had seen him that afternoon, not long after the psychiatrist left. He had updated him on his progress; Casey didn't think there had been any but according to the doctor 'he was doing really well' and everyone was 'very optimistic about a full recovery.' The doctor had also explained that he had spoken to the nutritionist who was overseeing Casey's care. At the moment because Casey had been starved for nine days his intestines wouldn't currently be able to cope with a fully balanced diet; at varying intervals throughout the day and night he was receiving a carefully planned formula. Soon he would be expected to take calorific liquids orally and eventually he would be set a solid food diet consisting of around five thousand calories a day to regain the weight he had lost and provide all the vitamins and minerals he needed. The doctor reassured him that if all went well it shouldn't take more than a month to regain the weight back. Casey didn't give the doctor his full attention and accepted everything he was told without question.

A loud echoing bang of a door down the corridor forced Casey's eyes to clamp shut.

_Bang! The door burst open. Casey had no concept of time, he didn't know he had been in the same room for two days now. The bright light from the world outside the door temporarily blinded him. The bulb hanging from the ceiling whirred into action._

_"Hold him," the Bulgarian demanded as he and a large tall balding man entered the room. The taller man pulled Casey onto his knees and yanked his arms around his back. Casey tried to resist but it was futile and his arms were only held tighter, pain stretched across his shoulders and chest. The Bulgarian spoke in his thick accent, his face only millimetres away from Casey's. "No more playing nice. Jack has gone; time for a different approach," and from the corner of his eye Casey saw a glimmer of silver. The Bulgarian pulled back, the taller man remained gripping his arms like a vice._

_Casey felt the tip of the blade as it was dragged down splitting his shirt open, looking down he was surprised to see no blood had been spilt, he had to bite his lip to force himself not to mutter a 'no' in protest to what he imagined was about to take place._

_"You understand, yes?" the Bulgarian spoke. "If you tell me what we need to know I will not use this," he indicated to the small sharp blade he held in his right hand._

_"I don't know anything," Casey stated hurriedly, he'd lost count how many times he'd informed them thusly. The pain he felt as the blade sliced across his abdomen lasted only seconds but the sharp sting continued to increase in intensity after the blade was taken back. The cut was not deep and less than two inches long; he was not going to lose much blood but the paper cut like wound was enough to force him to wince especially as the tall man behind him pulled even tighter on his arms._

_"The notebook; where is it?" the Bulgarian demanded. Casey tried a different approach, he didn't have the answer and telling them that he didn't know so far had only served to cause more pain so he kept quiet because he didn't have an answer. "Where is it!?" The hilt of the knife slammed into the side of his face and before he could recover there was another slice made across his chest, a little longer this time but no deeper._

_"I said I don't know, I'm not…" Casey was interrupted, he took a sharp intake of breath as he felt the knife part another section of skin across his abdomen. "If I knew I'd tell you!" he said breathlessly just before there was a quick succession of swipes across his chest, "Please…"_

Casey woke up screaming. The overnight nurse ran in from her station. "Matt you're ok, it was a nightmare, it's not happening now, you're in the hospital," she said soothingly as she entered his room.

"My chest… my chest… it hurts..." he gasped.

"Matt you're ok, you're in the hospital, open your eyes you'll see," she tried to reassure him.

Casey opened his eyes but was unseeing to the room around him. "My chest..." he didn't try to hold back the tears and they trickled down his bony cheeks.

"Matt honey, look at me," the nurse spoke, "Look at me honey."

Casey looked at her and realised he was in the hospital just as she had explained, the bright lights were illuminating the room and he was on a soft bed, not on a hard floor, "Sorry," he mumbled realising he must have gotten confused and panicked.

"It's ok," the nurse dismissed him, "Does your chest still hurt? _How_ is it hurting?" she questioned.

"I… I thought it was bleeding," he uttered with a frown across his face.

"It isn't, it was… a memory. You're fine, do you want to see? Will that help?" she suggested.

Casey thought for a moment and then replied timidly, "Ok."

"Ok I'm going to move the bed up a little bit," the nurse began explaining her actions so she didn't startle or panic him, "And pull this down." She moved the bed cover down to his waist. "Just gonna open this," she unfastened and opened the front of the hospital gown revealing a couple of white gauze pads over the more recent injuries and pink flesh that was already scarring. "Are you ok?" she asked, knowing he hadn't seen many of his injuries since he had been in the hospital, he nodded. "No blood," she stated, "Does it still hurt?"

Slowly he looked up from his chest and shook his head, "No."


	8. Statement

_Private Room_

The nurse had stayed with Casey during remaining hours of the early morning. Severide arrived straight after his shift had finished to discover Casey sleeping peacefully and the nurse sat by him on a stool.

"Is he all right?" he enquired.

"He had a nightmare, flashback, a few hours ago," she explained.

"Did he need sedating again?" Severide asked with concern.

"No, once he realised where he was he was ok," she explained, "I better go, my shift ended an hour ago, he wanted you so I said I'd stay here until you arrived."

"Oh thank you," Severide was grateful and a little worried at how Casey seemed to be becoming reliant on him.

"No problem," she said, "I'm sure I'll see you later, bye."

 _Hospital Cafeteria_  
  
"You shouldn't have just turned up like this, it's a waste of time, he can't talk to you now," Severide spoke heatedly to Antonio.

"He's still on a high dose of morphine? I thought they were reducing it?" Antonio asked. He had turned up out the blue outside of Casey's hospital room, Severide had led him away down to the cafeteria.

"You were there when he was found, it can't be a surprise that he is? You've got pictures of all his injuries," Severide said incredulously, he was exaggerating the amount of painkillers Casey was now on; he was still trying to put off the inevitably questioning.

"It's been six days since we found him, more than two weeks since he went missing. We need to solve this case," Antonio insisted.

"If he's awake, if the doctor says he's competent in making the decision and if he says yes if you do or say anything that hurts him I am kicking you out of that room, do you understand?" Severide warned, he was still hoping the police would get a no from either the doctor or Casey.

_Private Room_

It concerned Severide once again that Casey was so accepting of everything he was told, he didn't ask any questions and he hadn't objected to anything since Severide started to dim the lights in the room a few days ago. Severide had spoken to Doctor Andrews and just informed Casey that Antonio wanted to get a statement and some descriptions, Casey accepted with no protest. "You don't have to Case, you can say no," Severide repeated just to be sure.

"I'll have to do it at some point, won't I?" Casey replied apathetically.

Severide sighed miserably. "Yeah," he admitted. He wanted to save from reliving the events, he may not be able to stop his nightmares but he had been able to delay the statement. "Look we can put it off. You're still on morphine," Severide suggested, however later today Casey was being switched from the little amount of morphine he was now on to codeine now the surgical wounds were healing and the pain from his other injuries would be minimal compared to before.

"My head feels clear, clearer than it has for… for ages," Casey replied looking at Severide as he did. "I just want to get it over and done with then I can forg… move on," he explained.

"Ok," Severide accepted the decision, "Antonio's outside." A sudden wave of panic crossed Casey's face. He smiled reassuringly, "Get it over and done with, right?"

"Right," Casey was no longer looking towards him.

"Matt I'm gonna stay in here," Severide said, hoping this would reassure him, "If you want?"

"Ok," he replied simply.

When Antonio entered a few moments later he greeted Casey, "Matt, how are you?"

Casey didn't reply, he dropped his eye contact, a small act of defiance he was left with as he didn't want to verbally object to anything, he didn't want to ask for anything because he knew they'd all realise that he felt empty inside, that even now as he was sat in the brightly lit hospital room he could hear his own faint screams in his head and memories played out in his mind like a never ending movie. He had said he wanted to move on but he didn't think there was going to be any moving on from this, he couldn't picture himself out of the hospital, he couldn't imagine himself back doing anything like he once had and he felt weak and ashamed just acknowledging that.

"I need to video this Matt, for evidence. I'm going to ask you some questions but if there's anything else you want to add then please do, we don't have to do it all today but it should give us a better chance in arresting the men who killed Katya and… and did this to you," Antonio explained carefully.

Casey frowned, he had given it no thought until now and surprised himself by letting the question slip through his lips laced with apprehension, "They're still out there?"

Antonio explained, "We had insufficient evidence to hold Nesbitt. There were two men in the room when we found you; one's in lockup refusing to talk, the other was shot and killed onsite."

_Casey was barely conscious when the tall bald man entered the room followed by a man he didn't recognise, his starved brain and injured body could barely remember his own name at this point. They were speaking in panicked hushed tones but Casey couldn't understand. All of a sudden there was a heavy weight on his chest and a vice like grip around his neck. He couldn't breathe. As his vision blackened around the edges he could have sworn he heard yelling and the banging of doors in the distance._

_"Leave him; let's get out of here," a panicked voice spoke with a thick accent but the grip remained until;_

_Bang!_

_His would-be executioner landed on his chest and he knew no more._

"You ok Case?" Severide asked with concern. "At any point during this if you want to stop just say," he said, eyeing Antonio as he spoke.

"Ok," Casey replied quietly.

Antonio sat down and placed the video camera down and pressed record, "Ok let's start with the apartment…"

_Hospital Corridor_

Severide had stopped the interview and Antonio followed him out of the room. "That's enough. Look at him," Severide was looking through the glass panel in the door.

"We don't need much more from him. Do you seriously want to spread this out for him?" Antonio said with frustration.

Severide looked at Casey through the glass panel in the door; he was upright on the bed and hadn't moved since they'd left him, although Severide realised he hadn't moved throughout the whole interview process, his voice was monotone and his answers showed no sign of emotion. He was protecting himself, detaching himself from the world and shielding himself from any more pain.

He shook his head, "This isn't fair."

_Private Room_

"I need some descriptions. You said Jack Nesbitt was there, any other names?" Antonio asked but Casey just shook his head, "Can you describe any of them for me? Any tattoos, jewellery, odd smells? Anything?"

Slowly Casey gave him as much detail as he could, it wasn't much to go on but Antonio would put the descriptions into several databases and hopefully Casey would be able to identify some of the men from the photos the system would spew out. "One last thing Matt, then we're done for now," Antonio said. "Did all the men question you? Did they all hurt you?" he worded carefully. Severide wasn't quite sure where Antonio was going until Casey answered.

"The bigger one, seemed like one of their bodyguards when I saw them before, he… he came in a few times, on his own. He didn't ask anything," Casey admitted quietly, much more interested in picture on the wall than the two men in the room.

"We'll get them Matt," Antonio replied solemnly.

Not long after Antonio left Severide broke the silence in the room. "Is Lawson helping?" he asked.

"I just need to forget," Casey replied, Severide looked at him urging him to say more, "Lawson has a warped definition of strong."

"I must too then," Severide replied softly, "Because I think you're strong. You always have been and you still are."

Casey shook his head. "Look at me! I can't even take a damn piss!" he scoffed. Now the pain medication had been reduced the cloudy haze that had encompassed his conscious moments had dissipated. He was sore, tired and cold. There was no more hiding from the events that had taken place, he felt raw and laid out in the open, exposed and vulnerable, incapable of helping himself. He could, however, now use his arms, although the left was slightly more troublesome with its cast. He wished he could lie on his side and curl in on himself but he didn't have the strength or power to do so.

"Casey," Severide began, "You survived."

He turned his head towards Severide, his eyes wide open and laced with tears threatening to fall; he shook his head, "No I didn't." It was barely audible and it broke Severides heart.

A few hours later Severide left Casey alone with Doctor Lawson. Casey feigned tiredness and didn't say anything else, eventually the doctor left leaving him to battle the images in his own mind.

_"Argh!" he grunted as he was manhandled and pulled upright. His newly bound hands were attached to something above him and all of a sudden his whole body was suspended and hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room. They repeated the same questions and he repeatedly told them the same answer, his voice scratched each time he spoke, he didn't know how long it had been since they had last given him any water. It didn't take long for his hands to go numb, his own bodyweight pulled on his wrists and shoulders; it was agony. The world around him began to blur, his chest ached, the way his shoulders were pulled back and up made it difficult to breath, he thought his bones would snap and the questions continued until he lost consciousness. He was lowered back onto the cold floor, his hands still bound and numb._

_"Casey!" the sharp voice woke him up, the man in the suit was staring down at him. "Put him back up," the man indicated to the tall bald man who had been skulking behind._

_"No…" the word slipped out Casey dry lips. He couldn't hold back his fear, his arms still ached and throbbed and his hands were only just recovering from the last time._

_"No?" the man repeated in his thick Bulgarian accent, "We have given you many opportunities to stop this. Tell us what we want and it will all be over."_

_Casey didn't even bother to respond and soon enough he was hoisted back up. However this time the ropes around his wrists only fully supported his entire body weight for a few moments; a wooden stool was pushed underneath him and he gladly stood to relieve some of the pressure on his arms._

_"Where is Katya's notebook?" the man demanded._

_"She didn't tell me," he slurred tiredly in response. Suddenly the stool below him was kicked away and agony shot through his arms as his body weight snapped his wrists and yanked at his shoulders. He screamed. It was pure agonising pain. Tears fell freely down his bruised and swollen face, making tracks in the blood and grime. He couldn't feel his hands._

_The man grabbed his bloody chin, "The body can only last so long in this position. You can't feel your hands right now. The blood supply has been cut off. Both your wrists were dislocated and I heard at least one bone break. There will be permanent damage if we don't let you down in the next fifteen minutes and that will only happen if you tell the truth. I will be back in twelve minutes." The door was slammed shut as both men left and Casey was plunged into darkness. He could feel the soft trickle of warm blood running down his cold arms, the rope binding him was slicing through his delicate flesh. He longed for unconsciousness but it never came, the sharp spikes are pain shooting up and down his arms made sure of that. He could hear whimpering in the darkness, he never realised it came from his own lips._

A quiet knock on the door brought him back to reality.

_Hospital Corridor_

Whilst Doctor Lawson was with his friend Severide had gone down to the cafeteria to grab something to eat and was now stood at the nurse's station where Katie sat. "Has Lawson finished?" he asked her with a smile.

"Yeah," she replied, "And I'm just about to go in and offer him one of these," she explained as she stood up and reached for two Ensure bottles.

"I'll do it," he said. "He just needs to have one of them?" he questioned and Katie nodded in response.

Severide took both flavours from her. He really hoped that Casey had found his time with Lawson helpful today especially after he had answered Antonio's questions. Severide truly wished he could do something to help his friend, to show him that he was strong and prove to him that eventually everything would be ok and he would look back on this as just a blip but he doubted that was possible and started to doubt that things would ever be the same for him again.

_Private Room_

"Case?" Severide questioned as he opened the door. Casey was deadly still with his eyes open staring at the wall unseeingly. Severide knocked gently and his friend immediately shifted.

Casey stared at him for a moment before greeting him, "Hey."

"Hey," Severide smiled and greeted him as if moments ago he weren't competing with the wall in a staring contest, "I bring chocolate and vanilla goodness," he grinned and held up to the two Ensure bottles. "Vanilla?" he suggested.

"Sure," Casey accepted. Severide loosened the bottle top and passed the Ensure to him. Casey looked at with a hint of curiosity on his face, he frowned and asked, "Does it taste all right?"

"No idea…" Severide replied, matching Casey's frown. "Here," he took the bottle back, ignoring Casey's flinch, and opened it and took a couple of sips, he nodded, "Tastes fine."

"All right... and thanks," Casey spoke as he was given the open bottle. "Yeah it's not too bad," he agreed with a small smile after taking a few sips.

"I think you'll be getting through a lot of this stuff so that's good," Severide said casually before carefully asking, "How'd it go with Lawson?"

"I didn't say anything," Casey smiled.

"Is that wise?" Severide frowned. He really wished he would open up, talk about the nightmares and explain the flashbacks. When Casey had answered Antonio's questions he had given no real information about how he was hurt, what exactly they did to him and how he felt, he had only relayed the facts.

"Maybe not… but it worked," he replied with satisfaction evident in his usually un-emotive voice.

"It worked?" Severide questioned.

"He kept talking but then he went away," a small smile still remained on Casey's face. Severide wondered if it was because it felt like he had controlled the situation and actually realised that perhaps Lawson had gone away on purpose to show Casey that he did have control. First he thought letting Casey getting away with ignorance was a massive mistake if he was going to make any progress but now having thought it through Severide understood what the doctor had done and as a result Casey was smiling.

When visiting hours were over Severide left and very soon Casey found himself in that dark room again.  
 _  
He was hanging by his wrists wishing unconsciousness would claim him when the door slammed open again. He was momentarily blinded by the light but soon realised it was not the man in the suit that had reappeared; his twelve minutes must not yet be up. The tall bald man made his way over to his hanging form. Casey saw a glimmer of silver; a knife. He couldn't even try to defend himself as the man pulled off what remained of his shirt causing some of the older wounds to reopen when it was peeled away from the scabs that had formed. Casey saw hunger in the man's eyes, he didn't say a word, didn't even make eye contact as he began to swipe at his chest and back. Casey groaned and bit his lip to stop himself from crying out. His chest was heaving as he fought the pain. His arms felt like they being pulled from his body and the numbness in his hands was spreading downwards. The men left him hanging in the darkness and covered in at least ten more cuts, he had lost count, some would require stitching but most weren't deep, they were all about two inches long to match the ones he had received earlier._

_The door burst open again, the man in the suit had returned. "What's happened here then?" he questioned out loud but gave no other thought the new wounds Casey had acquired. He stood close to Casey and spoke, "You have about three minutes until your hands are permanently damaged; have you decided that telling us the truth is best course of action?"_

_It was at that point Casey mercifully passed out; the pain in his arms and torso too much to endure._


	9. Thoughts

_Private Room_

Casey been in the hospital seven days now. He was starting to looking a little better, he wasn't so pale and most of the bruises had faded. He was much more aware of himself and his surroundings now he was no longer being given morphine. The codeine he was now on was taken orally, it did make him a little drowsy but it was nothing compared to the heavy hitting effects of the morphine. He was still being given IV fluids and antibiotics. He would be on the antibiotics for quite a while and was so far fortunate not to have experienced any side effects.

His injuries still had him confined to the bed which meant he was still being bathed once a day and repositioned at various intervals throughout the twenty0four hour period, it had been uncomfortable at first when he was coherent but now he just accepted it. If it weren't for the injuries to his wrists ordinarily he would have been expected to be up and about on crutches already but he didn't even know how he was going to get himself into a wheelchair let alone use the toilet, wash himself or even get himself around the apartment since it wasn't exactly wheelchair friendly. However those thoughts didn't linger in his mind very long because he wasn't sure he wanted to go home even though he didn't want to stay in the hospital where he was constantly monitored. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to go back to work again and the lack of prospects in the future was doing nothing to help him want to go home because what would he do? What would he be recovering for? It felt like he had nothing, he had no fiancée, no family to care for, just memories that plagued him even in his waking hours so what did he have to go home for? Why had he fought so hard for his life during those nine days of hell when now his life consisted being completely and utterly dependent on those around him?

He broke out of his morbid thoughts when Severide informed him that Lawson was about to come and see him. Doctor Lawson then sat and ate his lunch whilst Casey had a carton of Ensure; neither said a word whilst the doctor ate. Casey was beginning to feel comfortable with the doctor but apprehension was always in the back of his mind; he didn't want to talk about what had happened to him.

"The police came back this morning? You looked through photos?" Lawson asked as he cleared away his lunch.  
  
Casey nodded.  
  
"How was that?" Lawson continued.

"Antonio says they've issued warrants for their arrests," he replied with no hint of emotion in his voice.

"For all the men involved?" Lawson questioned, hoping that it was true.

"No, they're not all in any of the police databases," Casey explained.

"Does that worry you?" the doctor asked.

Casey thought for a moment before replying, "No."

"That's good," Lawson replied with a soft smile.

He shrugged, "I didn't know anything then and I don't know anything now."

"How did that make you feel? You didn't know what they wanted from you; that must have hard," Lawson said.

"Do you think it would have made a difference?" Casey questioned, "If I told them the answers do you think they would have stopped?"

"I can't say Matt," Lawson replied solemnly.

"I lied," Casey stated after a few moments, "I lied and they didn't stop. I thought, hoped, they'd quit and just come back later when they realised I'd lied."

"Did they discover you made something up?" the doctor asked.

Casey looked down at his leg encased in the traction splint, "Yes." After a few moments he continued, he wanted to explain himself, lying had felt logical at the time but the shame it created burdened his mind, "I wish I hadn't. It didn't work and…"

"And?" Lawson urged when it was clear when a few moments passed that Casey wasn't going to continue.

"The other day you said I was strong but I lied because I wanted them to stop… I couldn't take it anymore... I..." he sighed and looked at the doctor, "Can we stop please?"

The doctor nodded, "Of course Matt." He was happy that Casey had requested to end the session because he was still going day by day asking for extremely little. He was pleased he was willingly talking about how he felt during the nine days he spent in captivity. Lawson wanted to help stop his intrusive thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks and the first step was to let go of all his negative emotions and pain and in order to do that Casey needed to talk. Talking about his captivity would help him gain control over his thoughts and feelings surrounding the memories so that he could learn not to be afraid of them. Talking would allow him to make sense of what happened and reduce all his negative thoughts and feelings. Casey needed to know that it wasn't his memories that controlled how he felt, that he himself could regain control of his feelings and start to move on from all the pain and trauma laid upon him.

 _Firehouse_  
  
Severide was sitting at the squad table the next day. Casey had said very little to him after his session with Lawson, despite reading up on acute stress disorders and PTSD he felt rather useless in his attempts to help him, Lawson wanted to use exposure therapy to help him and after reading some information about it Severide was dubious, he understood how it worked, but seeing Casey in the state he was in was difficult and it was hard see how anything could help. There was good news though, Nesbitt and two others had been arrested yesterday and were in holding. Severide was relieved and was going to be happy to tell Casey tomorrow morning, finally some good news.

"Severide," Herrmann called over to him, he was holding a large box. "Can we put this in your car?" he asked as Severide walked up to him. "For Casey," Herrmann explained and Severide looked inside the box and smiled.

_Hospital Corridor_

"Morning Katie," Severide said with a smile as he walked past the nurse's station carrying the large cardboard box.

"Kelly," she called his name with a grim expression.

"Something's happened?" his smiled disappeared.

She sighed and began to explain how Casey had refused to see Lawson the previous day and refused her help to bathe him, she had only managed to reposition him whilst he was asleep, and he had refused any more pain medication. By the afternoon he hurt so much that he was sweaty and delirious. When he had woken up screaming during the evening they were unable to calm him down and were forced to sedate him in order to prevent him injuring himself or a member of staff. After the sedative wore off Casey had then spent the rest of the early morning lying awake; he had now reached a stage where he decided the best way to avoid the nightmares was to remain awake.

_Private Room_

"You're refusing painkillers now?" Severide spoke incredulously as he entered the room.

"Don't want to be here," Casey slurred, his eyes were dark and their rims were red. Casey had also lost some of the colour he had regained since he had been in the hospital.

"Where do you want to be then? They're not gonna release like this," Severide stated.

"I don't want to be anywhere," he uttered.

Severide was taken aback. "You say stuff like that and they'll put you on suicide watch," he scoffed and then worry crossed his face, "Casey? You don't…" He couldn't even bring himself to say it.

"I can't stop it, it's all I can see, all I can feel," Casey said breathlessly and Severide understood why he was refusing medication, he wanted to feel something other than the pain inflicted on his mind by Nesbitt and his men. It was logical really; before Casey's mind had been clouded by a thick glorious haze of numbing drugs and now that thick cloud had gone Casey replaced it with real pain to drown out the images in his mind.

"Is it working? Is the pain you feel now making you forget?" Severide demanded urgently.

The dam holding back Caseys tears had broken and they were trickling down his face. "No..." he replied just above the sound of a whisper.

"Please let them give you something," Severide urged softly and when Casey didn't object he slipped out the room and came back followed by Katie.

"Hey Matt, take these with the water," she instructed as she handed him a small white pot and a cup. Using his right hand he took the pills and then drank the water. "Give them fifteen, twenty minutes tops and you'll feel much better," she smiled and left.

"Why don't you try and get some sleep?" Severide suggested. Casey looked exhausted but he shook his head. "You can't stay awake forever," Severide said softly and when Casey didn't respond he asked cheerfully, "You wanna see what the guys have got you?"

Casey eventually allowed himself to drift off to sleep after Severide showed him the large box of cards, DVDs, magazines, books, some candies, games, crossword puzzles and gifts they'd put together for him.

 _Apartment_  
  
When Severide had arrived to see Casey the next day he had expected an improvement in his mood, they had watched a movie together when he had woken up yesterday afternoon and he had informed him of Nesbitts arrest, but when he had entered his room the morning after Casey had asked to be on his own, his eyes had dark circles underneath and they were red rimmed. Severide didn't want to deny him his wish so stated he'd go home for a few hours and then come back which was why he now found himself tidying the apartment, having spent most of his time off shift with Casey the place was a mess of dirty dishes and clothes.

_Private Room_

Now that the pain he had forced upon himself yesterday had gone the inactivity was making him stir crazy. It took so much effort just to use the bed controls to sit himself more upright. He was told he would soon be able be able to move from the bed to a wheelchair, with assistance of course, but there was no date and time, no deadline, he felt more and more irritable and his appetite decreased, concerning the doctors as his weight was far below what it should be already, and he had even told the only person he wanted to see that he wanted to be on his own. He of course regretted it almost immediately as he was now sat anxiously waiting for Severides return.

He eyed the cup of water on the table in front him with a little distrust.

_"Thirsty?" the man in the suit asked in his thick accent. Casey was lying on the floor, he was trembling with pain, hunger and cold. He had been stripped of the rest of his clothes the previous day in an attempt to make him answer questions he could barely understand anymore. He looked longingly up at the clear cup of water his interrogator was holding. He tried to lift himself up from the floor but his wrists shot streams of agony up his arms as soon as minimal pressure was applied to them. He watched as the man slowly tipped the cup upside down; the water splashed down onto the floor. Casey didn't even have the strength to attempt to shuffle himself over to the small puddle which now lay only  metre away from him._

_"Please…" he slurred through his parched throat._

_"Please?" the man repeated._

_"Please…" he slurred again, "Please can I have a drink?"_

_"Yes, you can have a drink," the man said and he indicated to the tall bald man. Inwardly Casey felt relieved, he couldn't remember how long it had been since they had last given him any water. The man knelt down and pressed something against his lips, Casey willingly opened his mouth desperate to quench his thirst only to realise too late that the man was pouring alcohol into his mouth, he coughed and spluttered and attempted to clamp his lips shut from the liquid that burned its way down his throat but a hand grabbed his chin forcing his jaw open, he felt like he was choking on the strong liquid as it was forced down his throat. The man stood up, poured the rest of the bottle onto the open wounds on Casey's chest and snarled, "You don't give me what I want, I want give you what you want."_

When asked he would admit he was tired or in pain but never once did he say he was afraid. He wondered how long he could keep making excuses. He let Lawson in to see him again but Casey didn't willingly say anything, he nodded and gave 'yes' or 'no' and 'I'm fine' answers. Lawson seemed to assume Casey would be happy that he was going to be starting physical therapy soon but to Casey the idea of physical therapy was not one he relished, had seen TV shows and movies where people were praised for little movement and he didn't want being able to get out of bed to be an achievement in his life. Even though he knew that right there was no way he could get of this bed unless he managed to roll himself off it onto the floor below but even that wasn't an easy feat for he would have to contend with the barriers at the side and at present he still found it difficult to use the bed controls never mind have the strength to push the barriers down.

Thankfully Severide arrived back and he was grateful to not be left alone with his thoughts, neither of them said much which Casey appreciated and without speaking Severide put a DVD on they remained in silence as they watched the film.

There was a knock at the door and Severide opened it to reveal Chief Boden.

"Chief," Casey greeted him quietly.

"Casey, nice to see you awake," Boden replied.

"How are you?" Casey asked as a formality.

"I'm good. How are you doing?" Boden asked with concern but Casey just forced a smile and dropped his eye contact. "What are you watching?" Boden frowned at the TV screen.

"Chicken Run," Severide supplied when Casey didn't respond.

_Hospital Corridor_

Severide and Boden left Casey watching the film and stood together at the end of the corridor. "He's not saying much," Boden stated with worry.

"No, he's been like it for the last couple of days," Severide explained, despite Casey's reluctance to engage in conversation he did seem more at peace when Severide was around.

"He's got worse?" Boden asked.

"No," Severide shook his head, "He's just not improved. He was opening up about what happened but now he's stopped."

"He's having sessions with a psychiatrist?" Boden queried.

"Yeah. Lawson. I dunno," he shrugged, "Casey seemed to trust him but he refused to see for the last two days and today he barely said a word apparently. I dunno what to do Chief."

"You're here for him and he knows that, there's nothing any of us can do," Boden stated.

"Let's get back, I don't think he'll ever admit it but I think he feels worse when he's on his own," Severide explained, he had realised that Casey's intrusive thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks were more prevalent when he was on his own, and the two of them made their way back to Casey's room.


	10. Dawson

_Firehouse_

"Hey Kelly, can I have a word?" Dawson asked Severide as he was sat at the squad table. They went over to the other side of the apparatus floor for some more privacy. "I want to see Matt again, what time's best?" she wondered if there were points in the day where he felt better, she didn't want to turn up at the wrong moment like she had done before. She wanted to make amends with him, she didn't want to leave things like they were after she'd seen him the hospital a few days ago because they were still friends and she knew Casey still loved her but her career was important to her and she was so glad he was supportive and understood that.

"I'm not sure it's great idea Dawson, he doesn't really want to see anyone," he explained, "He doesn't even want to see the guys, not yet anyway, so he…"

"So he wouldn't want to see me either?" she asked heatedly.

"Well, yeah," Severide replied untactfully.

"I'm not just one of the guys; we were going to get married," she stated.

"Look I'm not in the mood for this," Severide replied with a sigh, "You ended it and I don't want you to go and upset him."

"You're the one who doesn't want me to see him? You won't even ask him if he wants to see!" she replied incredulously.

"He'll say yes because he still loves you!" Severide was yelling now, "And I don't want you playing with his emotions again! He's been through enough already!"

Dawson walked away throwing her hands in the air in frustration but Severide couldn't care less as he slumped back down at the squad table. Casey had seen the physical therapist for the first time two days ago, he had thought that would have improved his mood but it hadn't at all. Casey was depressed. Severide had read how PTSD often led to depression and anxiety and he felt completely useless in helping him. The only good thing that had happened in the last few days was the progress onto solid foods, still supplemented with several Ensure cartons throughout the day but it was progress nonetheless. Casey looked much more human now the NG tube had been removed; an unpleasant procedure but one he doubted Casey would ever have to experience again. He still remained reluctant talking to Doctor Lawson, only giving minimal answers whilst he continued to push down his true feelings inside him.

The alarm bells rang out and interrupted Severides worried thoughts, _"Ambulance 61, Truck 81, Engine 51, Squad 3, high rise fire…"_

_Private Room_

"Do you want to get out of this room today?" Doctor Lawson asked from the corner of the room where he was sat lazily in the sofa chair.

"Can't," Casey frowned in response, he couldn't _and_ he didn't want to.

"You can't?" Lawson questioned.

"Can't hold crutches," he replied simply. He was still confined to the bed, the physical therapist had seen him twice but the most he had done was a few simple exercises whilst remaining bed. The very little movement he had in his right leg was humiliating and the encouragement he'd received seemed condescending.

"You can't stay in that bed forever," Lawson stated gently, "They'll want to release you so you can go home eventually."

"I know," he replied quietly.

"What do you think is going to happen if you leave this room?" Lawson urged Casey to explain his thoughts and feelings so that he could help give them a logical perspective.

"Nothing," he responded, "Because I'm not going. Can't get myself out of bed into a wheelchair."

"Why do you think all the staff are here?" the doctor asked.

"I'm not going to have them at home," he replied. He didn't want them at home but he knew he could barely do anything for himself. He sighed, he hated all the help he was being giving, hated that he still couldn't wash himself, although Katie had set it up so he could give himself a shave the other day and he was grateful. He hated not being able to go to the bathroom and he hated the regimental diet he was now on, he had no independence and felt like he had little dignity left.

"What about Kelly? You live with him," Lawson suggested, he already knew the squad lieutenant was determined to help his friend.

"I'm not going to be a burden to him," he answered immediately. Severide had his own life and he didn't want to get in the way of that.

"He's willingly here the majority of his time when he's not a work; I doubt he'll think of you as a burden," Lawson replied before trying another approach, "Have you ever been in a wheelchair? They're quite good fun."

"I have," he replied.

"So how about it then? A little trip down to the cafeteria?" Lawson suggested.

"Maybe tomorrow," he replied noncommittedly.

"Are you afraid?" Lawson asked softly.

"No," he replied quickly, "I'm just tired." But the truth was he was scared. The world no longer seemed so easy, of course he knew it wasn't all sunshine and daisies before but before he knew what to do, he knew how to protect others and now he couldn't even protect himself. Now his heart raced when he thought about leaving this room, he was used to the routine now and found safety in it; outside this room anything could happen and would most likely happen because he wasn't strong anymore, he couldn't defend himself anymore, he was so easily reminded of the events that took place over a week ago, just a sound, a smell or even a word would trigger a flashback. He had tried escaping his memories through pain but it hadn't worked and the drugs they had given him when he first arrived only temporarily masked his thoughts; he wanted to forget. He didn't want to move on from them, he didn't want to explore his thoughts and feelings he just wanted them to be gone along with all his memories from those nine days he spent with Nesbitt and his men.

Lawson spoke casually, "I'd be worried if you weren't scared after what had happened to you. Nine days is…"

"I'm not scared," he stated.

"Really? What if I shut the curtains and turned the lights off right now?" Lawson asked.

"I'm not scared of the dark," he replied.

"But you are scared of what happens in the dark," Lawson stated pointedly, the dark triggered Casey's flashbacks. "What happens in the dark Matt?" he urged.

"Nothing," he said, now looking at the opposite side of the room.

"So should I let everyone know you're happy to have the lights turned off now?" Lawson questioned.   
  
Casey didn't reply. The doctor understood how he was trying to hide his emotions and detach himself from the harsh world. He didn't want to appear weak, he didn't want to rely on anyone. It's difficult for anyone with such high expectations of themselves to admit they needed to help, he was so used to being incredibly independent and he had now been confined to this hospital bed for eight days. Despite Casey's insistence that he was not strong all evidence pointed to the contrary, there were many events highlighted in his history that Lawson had gathered from his medical record and from Severide that showed just how strong he was.   
  
"There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling right now," Lawson began, "There's nothing wrong with the reactions you're having; the nightmares, the flashbacks. Your body and mind are just trying to cope with the trauma that's been inflicted. The surgeons fixed your leg, the doctors set your bones, the nurses stitched your wounds; it's not just physical injuries that need time to heal, you're a smart man, you know that. You're reactions make sense, you're trying to protect yourself and I want to show you that you don't need to shut yourself off from the world now, sure in the future bad things may happen out of our control, but what happened to you isn't going to happen again. You'll still have nightmares about it but we're going to find a way for you to cope with your negative feelings, to help you stop having the flashbacks so you can start getting back to normalcy and I know that feels so far away right now especially stuck in that traction splint for a while but I want to help you and so does everyone else that knows you."

Casey wanted to believe that they could stop all his negative thoughts and feelings but he didn't see how, they were so overwhelming and despite what Lawson said he didn't think normalcy felt far away he thought he couldn't possibly exist again.

_Firehouse_

It was 8am, the end of their shift, and Severide was in the locker room, "When do you think Casey will be back home?" Herrmann asked him.

"I dunno, why?"

"Just want to do something for him, we all do," he replied.

Severide sighed and thought for a moment and smiled. "Pass the boot around; I've got an idea," he replied before grabbing his back and leaving the station.

_Private Room_

Casey hadn't had a good night. The little sleep he had managed had been restless and he was now exhausted. He asked not to see Lawson today but when he asked not to see the physical therapist it was denied so he was sat anxiously waiting for her visit. Severide was sat in the sofa chair, he'd not said much and nor had Casey and when the physical therapist, Sandra, arrived and Severide stood up to leave. "You can stay," Casey stated quietly. Severide watched the expression on Casey's face as an orderly pushing a wheelchair followed Sandra into the room, part surprise, part apprehension.

"I was told you didn't have great night last night so I thought we'd just done one thing today," she stated. "Have you been doing the exercises I showed you?" she asked. He nodded in responce, eyeing the wheelchair suspiciously/ "Don't worry we're not going anywhere," she smiled warmly, "But we can't keep you here forever so I better show you how to use this."

Severide was glad Casey had allowed him to stay; he wanted to know how to help him when he was back home. He watched as Casey was told to sit up, the catheter was moved and a belt was placed around his waist which was still much too thin for his liking, and soon for the first time Casey was sat with his legs over the side of the bed. Severide gave him a reassuring smile before the transfer was finished and he was sat in the chair. Severide knew it was unlikely but he asked anyway, "You wanna test those wheels out?" he grinned, happy to see his friend out of bed.

"Not yet," Casey replied simply.

"You'll be getting in and out of it on your soon, give you some freedom back," Sandra smiled.

Later that day Severide sat in the wheelchair attempting to spin it round only to keep hitting the stool and the chair but he was adamant that they were in the way and it had nothing to do with his lack wheelchair skills. It did bring a tired smile to Caseys face though and at the moment that's all that mattered.

"You think you can do any better?" Severide scoffed as he hit the stool and sent it tumbling to the floor, he ignored Casey's flinch as the noise echoed around the room.

"Maybe I can," he replied sleepily.

"Yeah?" Severide questioned with a grin, "Now?"

Casey eyed the wheelchair for a moment before quietly replying quietly, "Ok." Logically realised that as soon as he could start getting himself in and out of the chair he would stop being so reliant on others, he'd be able to use the bathroom and maybe even wash himself and if he wasn't so reliant on others they wouldn't be so insistent on helping him with his negative thoughts and he'd be able to deal with it on his own. However just as he pushed back the bed covers and sat up there was a knock at the door interrupting their plans, he frowned hoping it wasn't Lawson after he'd already said he didn't want to see the man today.

"Hey Matt," Dawson smiled as she entered the room. Severide eyed her with distrust; he had specifically told her not to come back.

"Hi," Casey replied, somewhat nervously. He really didn't like her seeing him like this, he still loved her despite amicably putting their relationship on hold he wished he hadn't agreed to it so passively, he wished he'd told her how he really felt; he didn't want to wait for her to finish her training, he wish she'd accepted a transfer so they could marry but she was happy where she was and he didn't want to deny her that. The only upside of her being on truck was it allowed him to protect her but felt like he was constantly getting mixed signals from her in regards to their relationship and in one part of his mind he wanted to move on from her but in the other he wanted to wait but he didn't know if she'd ever be ready but he was going to keep trying, if they got back together he could forgot about everything that happened to him, he could get back to normalcy and everything would be ok.

"I brought some of your favourites," she explained holding up a bag of chocolates, snacks and drinks.

"Thanks," he replied.

"You're up and about now?" she indicated to the wheelchair before placing the bag down on the side.

"Yeah," he lied. He didn't think being helped in and out of the wheelchair counted as being 'up and about' but he didn't want her to know that.

"That's good," she smiled warmly, "Can we have some privacy Kelly?"

Severide wanted to say no immediately but Casey smiled in agreement with Dawson so he announced, "Yeah sure. I'll just go grab a coffee." He looked at Casey and said, "I'll be back." Eying Dawson with a look to say, 'Don't you dare upset him,' as he left the room.

"How are you really?" Dawson asked with concern once the door had shut.

"Fine," he smiled before carefully continuing, "You know I might not be able to go back to work…"

"Your leg?" she said worriedly.

"Yeah," he answered though as far as he was aware he was going to make a full recovery from his physical injuries. He hadn't mentioned to anyone that the idea of not returning to work had crossed his mind but if he couldn't cope with being in the dark or with loud noises and strangers he couldn't ever see himself going back to work.

"I'm so sorry Matt, I didn't realise," she said and began to place a comforting hand on his shoulder but he jerked away from her touch.

"There is an upside," he stated assuming she'd understand what he was suggesting.

"Really? What do you mean?" she wondered and Casey dropped his eye contact realising how awkward the conversation was about to turn now that she hadn't picked on to what he was hinting at.

"Well, you'd still be on truck… but I wouldn't," he began rather nervously, this exchange wasn't going at all like he had imagined, "We could maybe get together again, maybe… and get married… like we wanted a year ago…"

"Matt…" she hesitated and his heart sank, "Is this right time to be making decisions like that? I'm not sure it is."

"Why not?" he wondered genuinely.

"Matt, you're in hospital," she replied and he frowned before she continued, "You spent nine days being…"

"Being tortured," he said bluntly. He had never used the word before, he hadn't thought it was correct, it wasn't something that happened and not something he ever thought would happen to him.

"Yeah…" she replied gently, "It's not the right time, how about we talk about it another time?" she smiled.

"Yeah, sure," he mumbled.

"I'm glad you agree," she smiled and then looked down at her watch to give herself an excuse to get out the room, "Look I knew I wouldn't be able to stay for long; I've got to go, working tonight," and she left Casey alone in the room with tears threatening to fall.


	11. Outing

_Private Room_

Severide entered the room once Dawson had gone. He smiled, indicating to the wheelchair, "You still wanna have a spin?" But when Casey turned his head slowly towards him and he knew immediately something had happened. The barriers were still hanging down so he sat at the end of the bed and spoke, "Case, what happened?"

Casey made no eye contact but at least he replied quietly, "I'm an idiot aren't I?"

"Maybe," Severide said with a small smile, trying to keep the mood light, "What have you done?"

"I think… well, I did… I asked her to marry me again," he said miserably, almost laughing at himself, "She said no."

"Oh," Severide replied, he hadn't been expecting that, Casey's emotions really were all over the place.

Casey sighed, "Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's not the right time apparently."

Severide said grimly, "Doesn't seem like it's ever gonna be the right time…"

"I just… I just genuinely thought that if she wanted to get back together, if we could finally get married then… then I could forget about all of this, put it all behind me and stop feeling like this, stop feeling like…" he hesitated, tears were threatening to burst, "I just want this to stop, I want to forget because nothing else is going to stop this… I feel so… so scared… all the time…" Tears fell down his face, everything hadn't gotten too much again, his thoughts and feelings were overwhelming and he felt exhausted with it all.

"Ok," Severide replied simply. Casey breathed a sigh of relief, he had admitted that he was afraid and he wasn't laughing, he wasn't mocking him, he just accepted it like he'd asked if he wanted coffee. "We can solve scared," Severide smiled, "And please try to not dwell too much on Gabby, I know you love her but…" he hesitated. "Can you see she's not good for you? Just think about the last year? How many times did I come home to find you venting your frustration out on the wall? She wasn't healthy for you," he explained hoping Casey wouldn't take it the wrong way, he didn't want to upset him further, "Don't worry bud, one day you will get married and you'll have a lots of mini Casey's running around," Severide grinned. "Oh and you'll be extremely jealous of me as I'll be a free man having any women I choose," he mocked with a smirk and it brought a smile to Casey's tear strewn face.

_Therapy Room_

"Come in," Lawson called out and Severide entered the room. The evening sun glared through the large window to the left of the desk.

"Thanks for seeing me quickly," Severide sat down facing Lawson across the dark mahogany desk.

"How's Matt? I was told he had a rough night and didn't want to see me today," Lawson queried.

"Yeah he did apparently, he's only just let himself sleep, but he's got in and out of the wheelchair," Severide explained with a smile.

"That's something," Lawson smiled.

"He told me he was scared, _is_ scared," Severide explained, it wasn't the main reason for this visit.

"He trusts you," Lawson stated.

"I kinda wish he didn't… I don't want to say the wrong thing, _do_ the wrong thing," he sighed, "It worries me when he won't let you see him."

"He doesn't have to see me, it's optional and he knows it. He has to see the PT to get out of here but he doesn't have to see me," Lawson explained.

"I'll make sure he does… because I'm not sure I can fix this on my own," Severide replied.

"You're a good friend Kelly," the doctor stated.

_Private Room_

Casey woke up alone, he glanced at the clock and realised visiting hours were over, he picked up the remote control from the table beside him and turned the TV on, it didn't take him long to conclude that there was nothing on but soon an orderly entered with his dinner. It was rather awkward eating with both arms restricted by the cast and support wrap but he managed as usual. He didn't enjoy the food at all; he ate it out of necessity because they told him he needed to. Once he had finished he looked at the bag of treats and snacks Dawson had brought with longing, not for the contents of the bag, but for her. He should listen to Severide, deep down he knew he was right, that he had been right before but that didn't stop him from wishing things between him and Dawson were simple. Oddly he realised that actually he hadn't thought of her much during the nine days he spent with Nesbitt and his men. He had been in so much pain some points he'd been delirious, he still felt guilty now for wanting it all to end by any means necessary.

_He was trembling from the cold and pain. Every time he had tried to move his leg agony shot up and down his entire body. If he had anything in his stomach to throw up he would have done when he had caught a sight of his own leg. The area around the gunshot wound was swollen and the skin was red. Blood still oozed out of the wound. He had tried to stem it with his own hands but the skin hurt just to touch and his hands themselves had barely recovered from the other day so he allowed the blood to continue to weep, what difference would it make now? He didn't have the strength to use the makeshift toilet in the corner of the room, he had no dignity left but he didn't care, he must be near the end now, there was no way he would last much longer like this. The wounds in his back and chest reopened with little movement and as much as he tried he couldn't form a first with either of his hands. Both his wrists sat at odd angles and were covered in dried blood. He was thankful they'd given up on hanging him from the ceiling he was sure his wrists or even his shoulders would just snap in half if they did._

_The door crashed open and two men entered. One lent over his right leg whilst the other remained by the door. The light was blinding him and he tried to move away when he saw a hand make its way to his leg but he couldn't so he lay waiting for some new pain to add to his growing list. It never came. there was a sharp sting that lasted only momentarily, he tried to see what they were doing to his leg by struggling onto his elbows. He really must be losing it now, he thought as he watch them clean his leg. He panicked when he saw a syringe and attempted to push the man's arm away but the needle entered his arm with no resistance. "Painkillers," the man stated before he got up and left with the other anonymous figure. His confusion didn't last long, it was overtaken by a warm comforting cloud, he breaths decreased and soon he drifted off to sleep blissfully; there was no pain._

The TV was now playing infomercials. Casey shivered and pulled the bed covers up, he tried to move onto his side, fed up of spending the majority of the time on his back but his ribs protested and he settled for a position half on his side by using the bed frame and some pillows as support. He wished he could curl up and disappear from the world, he felt empty of everything but fear and anxiousness. He wasn't entirely sure what he was afraid of, if it was just his thoughts and memories why didn't he want to leave the room? Why did his heart race when he was alone? It wasn't like anyone had protected him during his captivity so why did he feel better when someone was with him? Going outside filled him with anxious thoughts, what if someone recognised him? What if people asked questions? What if they stared at him? What if someone could tell how he was feeling? What if they knew he felt dead inside? What if someone decided to attack him? What if he got trapped somewhere? In the back of his mind he knew logically something was unlikely to happen but he also knew that he'd lost his mask, his barrier that he used to shield himself from the world, he was exposed and vulnerable. He took a deep breath; he would build up his barrier again, he wouldn't let anything hurt him again; not Dawson, not strangers, no one.

_Molly's_

Whilst Casey struggled to sleep in the hospital that night Severide spent some time on the internet looking at ways to help Casey before heading over to Molly's. Once the funds were gathered he had a perfect idea to give his friend his independence back. When he walked in the place was crowded, Herrmann was at the bar serving someone he vaguely recognised, "You can put some money in here too," Herrmann said as he gave the man his change.

"Who's it for?" the man asked with a hint of concern.

"Lieutenant Casey," Herrmann replied.

"Yeah of course, here," he shoved a few notes inside.

"Severide!" Herrmann called him over, "The usual?" Severide nodded in response. "And pass this around would you?" he said as he handed him the boot which was already nearly full.

Before the end of the night the boot was full. Severide had been asked several times how Casey was doing and he gave the same answer each time, "He's good, he'll be back at work as soon as can." He felt like his smile became more and more forced as the evening wore on but it served its purpose, he had the funds to help his friend and that's all that mattered.

_Private Room_

Casey had tried to remain awake but failed and fell into fitful sleep.

_"That nice pain-free feeling you have right now? That's going to end very soon," the man in the suit stated in his thick Bulgarian accent. Casey couldn't care less, he felt numb, he was floating and his mind was clouded from the agony his body was in. "Tell me where the notebook is and you can have this again," the man spoke as he waved a small clear bottle in front his weary eyes, "Morphine. It's flowing through you right now but it's going to stop and that pain you were in? It's going to feel even worse. All you need to do is tell me where Katya hid her notebook, the information in there has nothing to do with you, you have no reason to keep it hidden." Casey didn't bother replying. "I'll be back in an hour. You can have this if you give me an answer."_

_He was in pure agony. His vision was greying around the edges. He could feel the heat radiating from his wounds. His breaths were ragged. He was sweating and trembling. His body couldn't tell if it was hot or cold. He could feel the pain shooting up and down his body. "Casey!" he heard someone yelling his name but they seemed so far away. He begged for unconsciousness but it didn't come. Someone was shaking him sending new spikes of agony throughout his body._

_"Please…" he uttered. 'Please just end it,' he wanted to say but the words didn't leave his dry lips. He just wanted it to end, he couldn't tell them what they wanted, he wished they would just end it all sooner rather than later._

He woke up with a jolt and winced at the pain it caused his sore body. When a nurse came in a while later he asked for the magazines and crossword puzzle books that were sat out of reach.

"Can't sleep?" she asked gently.

"Been asleep," he replied, already adjusting his bed and pulling the table over his lap.

"It's 4am," she told him.

"I'm not tired," he said as he opened up the crossword book and awkwardly held on to the pen, his hands still felt weak despite the exercises the physical therapist had him doing a few times a day.

"I can get you something to help you sleep if you'd like?" she suggested.

"I'm fine, thanks," he replied and she left him struggling to concentrate on the pages in front of him. Frustrated he slammed the book shut and flicked through one of the magazines instead.

Severide arrived at the hospital just as Casey was finishing his breakfast. "Hey," he greeted him.

"Hey," Casey gave him a genuine smiled. "I was wondering if…" he hesitated, he'd thought long and hard about this decision but know it came to asking he realised how odd it was going to sound.

"You can't just stop there Case, I'm on the edge of me seat in anticipation," Severide smirked, encouraging him to continue.

Casey scoffed before he continued. "Could we maybe go outside later?" he asked, "I mean, not outside but out of here," he quickly corrected himself.

"Yeah bud, of course!" Severide replied, he tried to contain his enthusiasm but failed, "I'm really glad you want to."

"I can't tell at all," he replied sarcastically.

"This is good Case," Severide said before frowning, "Ok... that sounded condescending."

"A little," he grinned. "But I suppose it is good; I can't stay in here forever, I don't want to stay in here forever; I want to go home," he explained, "And I want to get out of this damn bed."

_Hospital Cafeteria_

Severide soon realised that Caseys mood could change so suddenly. They were sitting in the cafeteria together, Casey's legs were covered in two blankets as he still felt the cold easily despite being indoors, his body found it difficult to keep him warm, they'd also managed to get one of his hoodies over the cast on his arm. Everything had gone surprisingly well, Casey managed to get himself into the wheelchair almost entirely by himself, he couldn't push it very easily because the cast on his left arm so he let Severide take over, he'd even asked if the nurse could remove the catheter later because he felt he'd now be able to get himself to the bathroom and she agreed if he could prove it to her later. The corridor had been quiet but the elevator they took down to the cafeteria had been full but Casey took no issue.

Everything had gone well until there was a loud clatter and smash as a tray was dropped onto the floor. Casey froze midsentence, his heart raced, he started trembling and it felt like he was choking. Severide could see Casey panicking, he immediately knelt down in front of him. "Casey you're ok, you're in the hospital," he tried to reassure his fried, he assumed the loud noise had sent his mind into an unpleasant flashback, "Listen to me Case, just listen to me, take a deep a breath for me." It took a while for Casey to respond but soon he took a deep breath, "Good, now breath out slowly, again, Case, breath in… and out."

As soon as Casey realised where he was he stated, "I want to go back," there was no emotion evident in his voice or on his face, it was like he'd just detached himself from the world again. He'd been so happy and eager to get out of his room and now it was as if that had never happened.

"Casey it's ok, someone had just dropped a tray, I doubt it will happen again," Severide tried to reassure him but his friend just looked away, shielding himself, "Ok we'll go back."

_Firehouse_

The next day Severide was sat in Boden's office, "They're releasing him soon, he'll be having regular therapy and PT sessions but at least they're releasing him."

"You're worried?" Boden questioned.

"I guess, I mean they've got no reason to keep him, he's 'better', he's not back to normal but he's better, he's eating, he can pretty much get himself around on his own," he sighed, "His mood flips like a switch, he startles at the slightest noise, he had a full blow panic attack in the cafeteria…"

"Which will all get better, it's been less than two weeks since they found him," Boden reassured him, "Is Lawson still helping?"

Severide sighed again, "Casey is not happy about seeing him." Yesterday afternoon Casey asked once again to skip his session with the psychiatrist but Severide ignored it and allowed the doctor into the room when he arrived; Casey then said very little to him after Lawson had left.

"I thought he was starting to talk to him?" Boden asked.

"He was. I thought they were making progress… I dunno maybe now all the drugs have worn off he's decided to be his normal stubborn self," he shrugged before adding, "He can't just bottle this up though; it'll tear him apart."


	12. Home

_Hospital Room_

It had been three days since Casey's first venture out of his room in the wheelchair. Now he could just about manage to get himself in and out of it without any assistance, he was pleased he had yet to stumble and fall down to the hard floor as he balanced on one leg in an attempt to keep the weight off his right. If it weren't for the gunshot wound and infection that had plagued his leg and body afterwards he would have been urged to start weight baring on the leg but for now the physical therapist only wanted him to stretch and strengthen himself with the simple exercises she had given him. His recovery was going to take longer than usual since he could not use crutches until his wrists had healed and even then the weeks of inactivity would have made them weak and unsuitable for them until his strength returned.

Later in that morning he would be going home with a long list of aftercare instructions and a bag full of all sorts of pills and medications. Lawson had prescribed something to help him sleep, the last few nights had been filled with terrors and he found no rest. He was to continue taking antibiotics. The nutritionist also wanted him to take iron supplements and he was still having pills to numb the pain in his leg; underneath the tensor bandage and brace the leg was heavily bruised and the wounds itched where the stitches were, his leg was still a mess of black stitching and sore skin but it looked so much better than it had before they found him despite the loss of muscle tone and fat. The stitches on his right wrist had been removed the previous day and he had been given strict instructions to keep checking for any sign of infection under the bandage and traction splint.

_Apartment_

Severide helped Casey out of the truck and back into the wheelchair. He had used his friends truck because Casey had refused to travel home in an ambulance and there was no space in his car for him to keep his right leg stretched out in front. He'd taken the shift off to get Casey home and settled in. By the time they had left the hospital it was already nearly mid-day, Casey had gathered a large amount of items whilst stuck in the hospital room for nearly two weeks and it had taken Severide a couple of trips to get it all in truck.

"You ok?" Severide asked as they stood outside the front door. He was concerned what going back to the apartment where he had seen Katya killed would do to him but when he had mentioned it Casey didn't object to going to his own place.

Casey nodded in response as he watched Severide open the door. The apartment seemed the same, the only difference he noticed was that some of the furniture had been moved a little, presumably Severide had adjusted the place slightly to make way for the wheelchair and he suddenly realised it were fortunate they were on the ground floor.

"If you're all right then I'll go and get the things from the car?" Severide spoke and hearing no objection he went.  
  
Casey was left on his own in the apartment, now he was further inside he could see a slight dent in the lampshade that had violently fell to the floor the last time he was here.

_He was on the floor, kneeling over Katya's trembling body, his hands were quickly being caked by the thick warm blood that was oozing out of her chest. "You're gonna be ok," he said, nodding, "You're ok," he repeated before he felt the barrel of the gun behind him._

_"Get up," the Bulgarian demanded but he ignored the command and continued putting pressure on the bullet wound._

_"Casey get up and come with us or this is going to get a lot worst," Nesbitt stated and in one swift move Casey span round and grabbed the Bulgarians wrist, forcing the gun away from him. He had intended to knock it out of the man's hand but when that failed he was still grateful that the gun was no longer threatening him. He wrestled the Bulgarian down to the floor with his hand still held firmly around the man's wrist. The man was bigger than him and soon managed to knock Casey back. "Casey stop! No one else has to get hurt!" Nesbitt yelled over the noise of the two men's scuffle._

_"Argh..." Casey groaned when something knocked him in his side. It was Nesbitt and it was now turning into a very unfair and one-sided fight. Casey managed to scramble away from the two of them having lost his grip on the gun moments ago. He glanced quickly around the apartment looking for something to give him an advantage. Nothing. Suddenly he was slammed into the wall, the lampshade toppled and he heard a smash of glass as a photo frame fell down._

_He was lying on his back panting, his side ached and his chest burnt in pain. "You could have made this really easy Casey," Nesbitt was stood above him shaking his head. He saw the butt of the gun, heard a resonating crack then knew nothing more._

"Case?" Severide questioned trying to get his friends attention, he'd arrived back in the apartment to find Casey had completely zoned out. "Case? Bud?" he repeated and slowly Casey looked at him, surprised he was back, "You ok?"

"Tired, sorry," Casey replied dismissively, he didn't want to talk.

"Well I've got something to show you, and I hope you don't mind what I've done. I just wanted to make things easier for the next few months," Severide said carefully, really hoping he had done the right thing.

Entering his room Casey saw that a small flat screen TV had been fixed to the wall on a bracket. "Thanks Sev," he said appreciatively.

"Think the TV's it? There's a new mattress too, memory foam, lady in the shop said they're super comfy and will help with any aches and pains," Severide smiled waiting for Casey's approval.

"I'll pay you back," Casey said immediately, he was grateful Severide had gone out his way to make things more comfortable for him but he could remember how expensive these types of mattresses were when he and Dawson had been looking at furniture for the apartment.

"No need, I didn't pay for it," Severide dismissed him. Casey frowned but before he could say anything Severide continued, "That's not all."

Severide and Cruz had spent yesterday evening fitting some grab rails in Casey's ensuite. They'd also placed a bath seat in the tub so he could shower easily by himself without having to stand up for long and without fear of falling over because the last thing Casey needed was another injury.

"What do you think? You don't mind do you?" Severide questioned when Casey sat looking into the bathroom, he hadn't said a word and his expression was unreadable.

"It's great thanks," Casey replied without a hint of happiness.

Severide frowned, "If you don't like…"

"No, I do, it is great… I'm just tired. Thank you, really," Casey replied sincerely. The whole morning had been filled with anxiousness and it was exhausting. He really did appreciate Severides adjustments to the apartment, it was going to make things easier and he was happy with the knowledge that he was never going to have to have another sponge bath again.

"How about we spend the rest of the day on the couch? There's a few hockey games recorded," Severide suggested and they did then spend the rest of the day on the couch. Casey used the coffee table to prop up his right leg after he moved from the chair denying any help from Severide but by the end of the day he was exhausted, despite only taking one trip to the bathroom all afternoon, so he let Severide help him to bed where he lay on his back waiting for sleep to claim. Severide had offered him something to help him sleep whilst he passed him the other pills he needed to take but he had declined the offer.

The next morning Severide was in the kitchen making breakfast when a thud and a crash coming from Casey's room, he knew exactly what had happened and edged towards the bedroom door. "Matt? Do you need a hand?" he asked through the closed door, he could hear Casey breathing heavily as he tried to push himself up from the floor between the chair and the bed.

"Damnit," Casey muttered after his second attempt to get up from the floor failed. It had only served to tire him.

"Case? Can I come in?" he heard Severide asked carefully from outside his room, he sighed, there was no way he was going to be able to lift himself onto either the chair or the bed so he allowed him in to help. "You ok? You've not hurt anything?" Severide asked as he neared Casey.

"My pride," Casey scoffed. Severide helped him up and into the chair. He sighed, "Should just call the day quits and get back into bed."

"Breakfast," Severide stated. He was glad that Casey had got up on his own accord; he'd been worried that he'd just want to stay in his room given his current state of mind.

After swallowing down his medication and iron supplements Casey sat at the table moving the scrambled egg around his plate with the fork he held awkwardly in his right hand.

"Do you want something else to eat?" Severide asked as he watched his friend play with the food on his plate, he was conscious of the nutritionist's advice and all he'd seen Casey eat was a few bites of toast after he'd taken a few sips from the Ensure carton.

"Are you here all day?" Casey asked. He either hadn't heard or ignored the questioned Severide had presented him.

Severide noticed Casey eyeing the area behind him and to his left where he had discovered Katya's cold body. Casey didn't want to be on his own in this place with those memories, but Severide realised his friend would be very unlikely to admit the truth. "Yeah I've not got any plans," he replied, pretending to ignore Casey's worried expression as he continued to look at the kitchen floor.

"You don't have to stay with me," Casey stated but his eyes told a different story.

"I know but you're not making me stay; I'm choosing to," Severide reassured him, "And this can't be easy for you? Being back here?"

"I'm fine," he forced his eyes away from the spot on the floor.

"Why don't we finish breakfast on the couch? You need to eat," Severide suggested. He couldn't ignore Casey's anxiousness any longer so perhaps moving away from the dining room table was a good solution.

"Not hungry." The image of Katya lying on the floor wouldn't back down, "I tried to stop the bleeding," he stated quietly.

"She didn't have a chance Casey," Severide tried to console him.

"She bled out," he replied slowly, still looking at the laminate flooring behind the table where Katya had been.

"The bullet hit the arterial artery, she didn't have a chance," Severide reiterated, he didn't know how long Casey had stayed with her and he wanted him to know that he couldn't have done anything to change the situation.

"She suffered," he stated.

"It wouldn't have taken long," Severide replied, trying to reassure him.

Quietly he admitted, "She's not suffering anymore at least, not like me… and I should feel guilty for even thinking that but I don't because I wish I'd…" he finished realising he was saying too much, admitting too much, but he really did wish when they'd shot him he'd bled out because now he felt empty except for the images and memories that tormented his every hour.

Severide frowned; did Casey really wish he'd died? Did his strong independent friend inwardly beg for the end? He wanted to kill Nesbitt, if he ever laid eyes on him again that man would beg for death before he ended it, murderous thoughts raged through his mind; Casey's suffering had far from ended and someone needed to pay. He sighed, "Matt please don't think that. Do you really wish you weren't here?" he asked lightly trying to hold back all his concern that made him want to grab Casey by the shoulders and tell him to never think like that again.

Without looking at Severide quietly Casey replied, "Yes." He sighed, still thinking, "No… I don't know," he shook his head and looked pleadingly into Severides eyes, "Please don't tell anyone."

"Whatever you tell me is between us," Severide forced a smile. "Deep down I know you're just saying that now because, well, everything's pretty fucked up isn't? But you fought to be here, in those nine days where you were questioned and tortured… because that's what it was Matt, they tortured you, they wanted to break you but they didn't; you fought for those nine days and you survived. You fought in the hospital Matt, you could have lost that leg but you fought and you'll follow doctor's orders and make a full recovery from this. You fought to be here; you want to be here."

"I'm a mess," Casey just scoffed and shook his head.

_Firehouse_

Boden knocked on Severides office door and entered, "You look exhausted, do you need to take some more time whilst Casey…"

Severide interrupted him with a sigh, "To be honest it's a nice break being here." The last two days had been really challenging for him, he didn't know what to do or say to improve Casey's mood, Casey had spent the majority of his time in bed, which was fair enough given his injuries but he was barely eating and Severide wasn't convinced he was doing any of the exercises the physical therapist had given him, he was spending the majority of his time asleep or pretending to be, he'd yelled at Severide for trying to calm him down after he'd woken up from a nightmare, he'd even managed to knock the bedside lamp across the room. Severide knew it wasn't really Casey, they were all symptoms of his PTSD and depression but Severide was at a loss. He didn't know how to help so he did as Casey asked but it felt like he was watching him slip away in front of his very eyes.

"Is there anything I can do?" Boden asked with concern.

Severide shook his head. "I don't know. I was worried about leaving him on his own but he's probably asleep, with the drugs and the… his mood… he's sleeping most the time. He has an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow… I hope it helps because I don't know what I'm doing. Every time he's in the kitchen his has a flashback… I dropped a fork on the table and he moved back so fast he nearly fell out of the chair," he sighed, "I'm trying to be so careful around him, he seems more fragile now than when he was lying in the hospital bed."

"Have you thought about moving? Somewhere that doesn't have any memories?" Boden thought out loud.

"Yeah but I've not brought it up since he left the hospital, of course he said he'd be fine back home," he replied, "Plus in his mind it's his and Gabby's place, I think he's still hoping she'll come back, moving would mean it really was over."

Just before Boden could reply the alarm bells rang out, _"Ambulance 61, Truck 81, Squad 3, road traffic accident…"_


	13. Fault

_Apartment_

Severide knocked at Casey's bedroom door before entering. He could hear the TV playing and when he entered he saw the main light was still on and an untouched breakfast from the previous day was sat on the bedside table. He now doubted Casey had got out of bed at all yesterday. Carefully he approached the side of the bed, the last thing he wanted to do was startle him. "Casey it's me, Kelly," he spoke. Casey stirred in his sleep and after a few moments he opened his eyes blearily and a second later panic flashed through them and he quickly pushed himself up and back onto the headboard. Severide heard him wince in pain at the quick movement, "Casey it's me, you're at home, you're all right."

Soon the panic faded away back into bleariness and Casey muttered apologetically, "Sorry."

"I was thinking about today," Severide stated, he ignored Casey's apology; he didn't want him to think that his little moments of panic were a big deal. "We should do something after you've seen Lawson."

"That's today?" Casey asked tiredly.

"Uh huh," Severide replied, "So what do you wanna do? We could grab lunch? Go to the lake?"

"What do you want to do?" Casey questioned.

"I want you to choose," he replied but doubted Casey would choose anything.

Casey looked down and stated, "I need to shower."

Severide smiled, "Yeah you really do." He was glad he wasn't going to have to persuade Casey to wash before going to see Lawson. "Do you want me to give you a hand? I could just help you get undressed then leave you to it?" he asked. The brace and cast made it difficult for Casey to undress and change the lower half of his body and he also needed to put on some covers so the encased limbs didn't get wet.

A short while later Casey was back in his room with a towel draped over his lower half, the shower had exhausted him. Severide had re-entered once he heard the steady flow of the shower stream end. He slipped Casey's boxers over his ankles and helped him balance as he stood up from the chair, pulling them up he said, "Maybe we should go to the shop; these are gonna fall down." He smiled trying to keep the mood light as he helped his friend who had his eyes scrunched shut as he sat back down.

"Sorry I'm not eating," Casey stated when he opened his eyes. Severide passed him a shirt which Casey then put on, hiding the fresh scars on his chest and back that Severide tried his best not to look at, he didn't want to make Casey feel uncomfortable.

"I get it, I do, but you really are gonna have eat some more soon," Severide explained, careful not to point out that he'd not be quite so exhausted from just showering that he needed help to dress right now if he was eating correctly. "Stand up again," he instructed once the joggers were half way up his legs. Casey stood up slowly and allowed Severide to hold him steady as he pulled them to his waist, they were loose but once he was sat back down it wasn't too obvious. "Do you have a jumper preference?" Severide asked as he rifled through one of the draws, Casey shook his head, so he pulled out burgundy zipped hoody that would be easy to get on over the cast and support wrap. "There we go! Feel better?" he asked, smiling, once the jumper was on.

"I actually do," Casey admitted.

"Good so tomorrow you should get up and wash too because you _will_ feel better for it," Severide said, still smiling. He knew a good routine would help make his friend feel a little better.

_Therapy Room_

"Are you happy you're back home?" Lawson asked from his seat on the large  easy chair. Casey was sat opposite him on the couch, his wheelchair beside him.

"I guess," Casey replied with a small shrug.

"How have you been? It's been a while since I last saw you," the doctor enquired.

"I still don't want to see you," he replied and quickly added, "Sorry."

"Then why are you here?" Lawson questioned.

"Severide," he stated simply.

"He made you come?" the doctor asked.

"No," Casey replied, "Being here will make him worry less about me. I don't want him to worry about me."

"Why will he worry less about you if see me?" Lawson wondered, he wanted to know how Casey thought, how his mind worked.

He frowned, thinking the answer was obvious, "Because he thinks this helps."

"You don't think it will help?" Lawson asked.

"I just need to forget," Casey replied, "Get past it all."

"Forgetting isn't an option Matt." When Casey said nothing more he asked, "How are you going to forget? By not talking about what happened?"

"I've told you what happened and so has everyone else," he replied.

"Not really, you've told me bits and pieces but I don't really have much insight," Lawson explained

Casey sighed, "They came into the apartment, killed Katya and…"

"Tortured you?" Lawson said when Casey couldn't say the words.

He nodded, "For nine days. That's all there is to say."

"Did you know the people who took you?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," he replied.

"How did you know them?" Lawson urged.

"It's complicated," Casey replied dismissively.

"We have time," he stated with a soft smile.

Casey sighed again and went on to explain about the club, his construction job, Antonio and the undercover operation.

"They just asked you to help and you said yes?" Lawson wanted a better understanding as to how the events transpired and by having Casey explain it he hoped to eventually get him to open up about how he felt.

"Antonio helped me out a few years ago, he's my... he was my fiancées brother. I couldn't say no," Casey explained.

"You couldn't say no?" he queried and watched Casey shrugged, "You said before your relationship was complicated?"

"It's got nothing to do with this," he stated with annoyance in his tone.

"Your relationship with your fiancée has nothing to do with your feelings?" Lawson raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"My feelings? I'm not talking about my feelings," he replied, "You wanted to know what happened."

"I want to know how you feel. Why is your relationship with your fiancée complicated?" the doctor asked.

"She's not my fiancée, she is but she isn't." He frowned as he spoke. His and Dawson's relationship had nothing to do with his captivity which was the only reason he was here. "What's my relationship got to do with this?" he asked, annoyance tracing his tone.

"I want get an idea of where your head's at right now. So this person who is and isn't your fiancée, what's her name?" Lawson enquired.

"Dawson," he replied immediately, "Gabby."

"You used her last name, you met through work?" he asked and Casey nodded, "What does she do?"

"She's a candidate," he sighed, "On my truck."

"Is that allowed?" Lawson queried; it would explain why their relationship was complicated.

"You can't be married and work on the same truck, and we were engaged before she worked under me," he explained.

"Candidates are training right? There was no option to train under someone else?" he asked curiously.

"Look I'm not here for relationship advice," Casey said agitatedly.

"I'm not going to give you relationship advice, I want to help you feel better so I want to try and understand you," Lawson explained.

"Understand me?" he frowned and angrily he spat out, "Go on then, what do you think about me?"

Lawson spoke softly as he responded, "You're strong, you've got through some terrible times and you'll get through this. You keep saying you want to forget about what happened to you because that means you can hide from it, push it away like everything else, you'll hide your feelings until they bubble over and explode. You don't want anyone to worry about you but the truth is by telling everyone your fine you're only making them worry more; no one is expecting you to be fine. You're human, you're not perfect, no one is, is someone expecting to you to be perfect?"

"Everyone," Casey replied quietly.

"Everyone? They've told you?" Lawson queried, trying to understand where Casey's logic came from.

He shook his head, "I just know."

"You just know?" Lawson urged further explanation.

He nodded, "Bad things happen when you make mistakes."

"You're not allowed to make mistakes?" the doctor asked.

"People die if I make mistakes," Casey replied bluntly.

"At work?" Lawson nodded.

"Not just at work," Casey admitted.

"What happened?" Lawson asked, wondering what death Casey thought he had caused because of a mistake he had made.

"My mom killed my dad but I'm sure Kelly already told you that," he replied with a look of annoyance, far too many people seemed to know far too much about his life nowadays.

"You made a mistake to cause that?" Lawson asked.

"The only reason my mom managed go and kill him was because I left my house keys on the side," he explained.

"But you didn't kill him, you didn't leave your keys on the side knowing your mom would take them?

"No but…" Casey began trying to prove the doctor wrong because in his mind it had always been his fault.

"But?" the doctor urged once more.

"But I should have thought, I should have known," Casey explained himself.

Lawson shook his head. "I don't think so. None of us can predict the future, none of us can predict someone else's actions," he explained before asking, "Do you think you made a mistake and Katya was killed and you were kidnapped?"

It took Casey a few moments to reply, "I should have said no."

"To the police?" Lawson asked, "Earlier you said you couldn't have said no?"

"Because they needed my help but I made it worse," Casey stated.

"From my understanding of it all you haven't, they've arrested most of the people involved now; no more trafficking," Lawson reassured him.

"Katya came to me for help and she was killed for it," he explained

"You didn't kill her," the doctor reminded him.

Casey was silent for a moment. "I see her all the time, I can't get it out of my head," he admitted quietly, "I kept hoping that someone would've found her, that she was ok but really I knew there was no chance," he sighed, the image was in the forefront of his mind, "There was so much blood, she was so scared and I couldn't help her."

"And you're reminded of that at home? The place of her death," Lawson asked, knowing the answer would most likely be yes. Casey had already had plenty of nightmares and flashbacks about the events that had taken place whilst he was hospitalised.

Slowly he shook his head, eyes unseeing to the room around him. "I'm there now, I'm always there… and I'm in that room… all the time," he was speaking quietly and his breaths were slow. He looked up and stared at Lawson with watery eyes, "I've lost it, haven't I? Even if I wanted to go back to work I couldn't. I'm crazy."

_Therapy Waiting Room_

Severide was sat anxiously flipping through one of the many out of date magazines that littered the waiting room when Casey and Lawson appeared, the doctor gave a quick nod of acknowledgement before going back to his office ready for his next patient.

"What's that?" he asked when he saw the white slip in Casey's hand, his friend handed it to him; it was a prescription form. He decided not to pay much attention to it, he didn't want Casey to feel uncomfortable. Once they were home he would see what it was and what it was for but he had a sinking feeling he already knew and only hoped that they helped. "No problem, we'll pop by the pharmacy and get it filled," he said casually and before he moved around to push the chair he asked, "Have you thought about where you want to go now? And home doesn't count." Being stuck in the house for twenty-four seven wasn't good for his mental health even though Severide knew going anywhere was going to heighten his anxiousness.

Casey shook his head, "I really don't care, it's up to you."

Severide smiled, determined to let Casey choose, "Three options; quick trip to the shop, lunch or we call by and see if Boden's at home?"

_Boden's House_

Severide knew Casey would choose the third option; it was the easiest for him, he had been comfortable with Boden in the hospital and he was not in the public eye. They were sitting around the table. Terrance was on the floor playing with two plastic toy cars.

"Are you sure you just want water?" Donna asked as she placed a glass of water in front of Casey and three mugs of coffee on the table, "We've got juice?"

"Water's great, thank you," Casey replied he looked down at their son and smiled broadly, "He's grown so much since I last saw him."

"He sleeps through the night most the time now too," she smiled.

"Bet you're thankful for that Chief," Severide grinned at Boden.

"It must have been exhausting," Casey stated, still looking down and smiling Terrance who was grinning happily from the attention he was receiving.

"Definitely worth it," Donna smiled.

Boden stood up stating he was going to get a few snacks for them all from kitchen but when Severide followed offering his assistance Casey heart dropped; they were going to talk about him. He berated himself for the selfish paranoid thought and tried to bring his attention back to Terrance who was now giggling to himself on the floor but he struggled and found himself worrying more and more about what Boden and Severide were talking about.

"Here we go," Severide placed some plates down on the table, Boden had followed with a tray of snacks.

"Help yourselves," Boden announced cheerfully as he sat back down.

It felt like all eyes were on him so he did as he knew he should and took various items of food and placed them on the plate in front of him, whilst the others chatted amiably away he picked at the food and closed off from the world around him. He was exhausted and tired of putting on a façade in the current company.

"We should go," Severide stated after finishing his coffee, he'd seen Casey zone out as he picked at the little food on his plate, he was pleased he'd chatted away with Donna when they had first arrived but he knew now it must have been exhausting and wanted to get him back home.


	14. Nightmares

**Nightmares**

_Apartment_

"Here," Severide placed a sandwich down in front of Casey.

Casey shook his head, "Nah I'm all right."

"You didn't eat anything at Boden's, you only had a carton of Ensure before we left this morning. You can't tell me you're not hungry?" Severide asked doubtfully.

"I'm not," he stated.

"You know Case," he began as he sat down next to him on the couch, "If I were a psychiatrist or whatever, I'd say that this not eating thing was self-destruction…"

"No," he shook his head, frowning, "I'm not trying to self-destruct. I'm not. It … it just doesn't taste nice, it's not the same," he tried to explain.

"I can make something else? We can order in? I can go to the store? What do you want?" Severide insisted.

"Nothing," he replied, maintaining his focus on the coffee table in front of him.

"Damnit Casey! Look at your…" Severide yelled in annoyance but stopped himself almost immediately, "I'm sorry… Matt?"

"Please…" Casey's body was rigid and his breathing shallow as he pleaded quietly.

"Case?" he tried to gain his attention with no luck.

"Please…" Casey muttered again, his eyes unseeing to the world around him.

"It's ok, you're at home," he reassured him realising his raised voice had sent Casey straight back into his memories of the dark room he was held in.

"Please don't…" Casey's voice was barely audible as he continued to plead.

"I'm sorry Matt... I don't know how to stop this," Severide sighed.

After a while of sitting in silence Casey's breathing returned to normal. He frowned, he wasn't quite sure what had happened, his chest ached and his head hurt, "Kel?"

"Hey, you ok? You sort of… went away…" Severide spoke gently.

Timidly Casey replied, "I don't know. I don't really remember. Sorry."

"No," he shook his head, "I raised my voice and caused…"

"Caused me to lose it? Again…" Casey sighed, "I'm crazy, you all keep saying I fought and survived but obviously I didn't."

"You're not crazy, well no more than you've ever been!" he stated trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah? Then why's Lawson sent me away with more pills?" Casey questioned incredulously.

"What did he say they were for?"

"To stop everything being so overwhelming, well hopefully that's what they'll do… There's a long list of side effects which even includes what they're supposed to help… don't really understand that…" Casey replied thoughtfully. Lawson had prescribed him an SSRI, a small dosage of Zoloft. It would take a minimum of two weeks to see if the drug helped but it had been shown to successfully combat the obsessive thoughts brought on by PTSD. He would be prescribed a higher dosage, or an alternative medicine, if his depression also continued but the doctor didn't want to do this straight away as the side effects of the medication included a decrease in appetite and sleeping problems and Casey was already having those issues. They hoped this would work for him so his mood would improve along with his appetite as it worked to balance the chemicals in his brain.

"Everything?" Severide repeated carefully hoping Casey would explain how he was feeling.

"The thoughts in my head, they don't stop," Casey replied quietly avoiding eye contact, embarrassed by what he perceived as weakness.

"Memories?" Severide wondered. He'd read all about intrusive thoughts and feelings when Lawson had first mentioned PTSD.

"I guess," he replied. Severide frowned questioningly, urging him to explain. "It's confusing... voices, images… I can still feel the kn…" he breathed heavily and stopped, he didn't want to say anymore, he did sound crazy, and he felt embarrassed that he couldn't control his own thoughts any longer. He could still feel pain as if the wounds were fresh, he could hear himself screaming and pleading, he could hear them laughing and he could picture himself back in the dark room so clearly it was as if he had never left. "Do you think these will work?" he held up the orange pot of pills he'd been fiddling with throughout the conversation. "I hope they will," he added quietly.

Severide heard the question but he didn't have the perfect answer and he had a question of his own burning away at him. "Did you think I was going to hurt? That I _will_ hurt you?" Casey looked up at him but didn't reply. "You were pleading with me," Severide stated recalling just moments ago when he raised his voice in front of his friend.

Slowly Casey shook his head, "Not you."

"You flinch if I touch you," he stated softly.

"I don't mean too," Casey replied dejectedly.

"Am I making this worse? Do you want to be on your own or…" he queried. He hated not knowing if he was doing the right thing for his friend.

"No," Casey said suddenly, shaking his head. "It's better. When I'm on my own I can't stop myself, I can't stop them," he admitted.

"Maybe it would help if we found a new apartment?" Severide asked carefully.

"Why?" he frowned. It had taken him and Dawson months to find this place. He still thought of it as their place not his and Severide's, even though by now it had just been the two of them far longer than it had been just him and Dawson living here.

"Because Katya was killed in front of you in our kitchen. Because you have a flashback every time you're in that room," Severide stated.

"I'm not going to be forced to move just because of what happened. People die in front of us all the time," Casey reasoned.

"This was different Matt," he sighed, "Just give it some thought. ok?"

"You should go out tonight, bring home a girl or something, go have fun," Casey stated, looking at nothing in particular as he changed the subject.

Severide frowned, a moment ago Casey had told him he preferred not to be alone and now he was suggesting Severide should leave him and even bring a stranger back to the apartment. "I'd rather stay in," he said gently.

"Yeah cause I'm great company, aren't I?" Casey scoffed. "I'm going to bed," he stated as he stood up awkwardly on his left leg and managed to get himself into the chair. Navigating his way to his room was a difficult task given that he had limited use of his arms but he was determined and managed it with no help.

Severide remained on the couch staring at Casey's plate of food that sat untouched on the coffee table. He sighed, stood up and made his way to Casey's room, the door was open but he still knocked, "If you're going to sleep you should have all your meds."

"I know," Casey replied quietly, he was still sat in the chair by the side of his bed, "Sorry for being a jerk."

"You're not being a jerk Matt. Look, why don't we watch a film in here? I know it's got to be more comfortable lying on your bed than sitting on couch, yeah?" Severide suggested, he didn't want Casey to be on his own feeling sorry for himself.

"Everything does kinda ache," he admitted with a small smile.

"I bet it does, you all right to…" Severide began and indicated to the bed.

"I got it," Casey interrupted him and slowly got onto the bed and sat against the pillows that were propped up on the headboard.

"Massage would be good, I know this fantastic lady who… right, yeah, maybe not yet," Severide added at the anxious look that crossed Casey's face.

The next couple of days passed by with little incident. When Severide had returned home from his shift the twenty-four hour absence made him realise how much weight Casey was losing, he looked even worse now than when he had arrived at the hospital, he insisted he wasn't doing it on purpose but Severide wasn't so sure. Despite this self-destructive behaviour Casey had taken Severides advice and was at least washing every day so that was something. The night terrors continued and there were now permanent darks circles under Casey's dulled eyes, he would wake up screaming and pleading so loudly that Severide was surprised none of their neighbours had called the police.

"Do you want something to help you sleep?" Severide asked just as his did every night, Casey shook his head and took himself to his room. When he woke a few hours later trembling and sweating Severide was with him in an instant reassuring him, "It's ok, look how bright it is, you're at home, you're safe." Once Casey had calmed down Severide fetched him a glass of water with a couple of blue oval pills crushed within. "Here Case, drink this," he held the glass to Casey's lips.

Casey took a sharp intake of breath.

_"No, please," he spluttered as the liquid was forced down his throat, the alcohol burned just as it had the previous day. He was severely dehydrated and trembling from the cold lying naked on the floor. The wounds on his back and chest were inflamed. He had no use of either of his hands and his wrists sent shocks of agony down his arms if he tried to move them._

_"He doesn't like it," the man in suit stated. "Can't let it go to waste," he said and he tipped the bottle allowing the clear liquid drip on Casey's chest._

_Casey bit his lip in an attempt to stop himself from crying out but vaguely thought that at least any infection should be kept at bay._

_"Hang him up," the man instructed. Casey gritted his teeth as his wrists were bound and pulled upright, sending flames of pure pain dancing around his battered body. He felt even more vulnerable and exposed than before, without his clothes he had no protection. His whole body was shaking. The numbness in his hands was quickly spreading down his arms._

_"Wait," it was Nesbitt. Casey could barely hear him over the sound of his own groaning as he fought against the pain that assaulted his every breath. "What if he doesn't' know anything? What if we're just wasting our time here? The cops are…"_

_"Argh!" Casey screamed as the pulley adjusted lifting his trembling body up off his feet that had been desperately trying find purchase on the ground below to save his wrists from the full weight of his frame._

_The man in the suit came into view, "Where did Katya hide the notebook?"_

_"Maybe you should have asked her because she didn't… argh!" an elbow slammed into his sides sending a new wave of pain around his body._

_The man leaned in. "Fine have it your way," he stated and as he walked away he spoke to the tall balding man, "Bring me one of his friends; someone from that firehouse of his."_

_"No!" Casey yelled, "No you can't, please, I don't know anything!"  
  
The man in the suit left the room and Nesbitt followed leaving him alone with the tall man. _"I do not care what you may or may not know," the man snarled sending chills down his spine.__

_"Casey?"_  
  
He frowned at the sound of his own name, he knew that voice. He thought there was just the two of them in the dark room, why could he hear Severide?   
  
"Case? You're ok."   
  
No he wasn't, he couldn't feel his arms, he could barely breath as his arms pulled up and back from his chest and there was a man stood in front of him threatening with a knife.  
  
"Matt, you're at home…"

"Sev?" he breathed. He was lying in his brightly lit room on his bed. He frowned looking up at Severide, his whole body ached and his arms hurt just as they had in the dark room. "Please make this stop," he choked out as his face crumbled and tears streamed down his face. He cried himself to sleep.

After spending the night in Casey's room as he fitfully slept Severide sat wearily on the couch with his mobile to his ear. "Hi can you put me through to Doctor Lawson if he's available please?"

 _"Just a moment sir,"_ the women on the end of the phone replied.

 _"Doctor Lawson,"_ the man greeted.

"It's Kelly Severide, do you have a few moments?" he asked.

 _"Of course,"_ Lawson replied, _"What's happened?"_

"He had another bad night, I'm probably just wasting your time but I think he's just getting worse," Severide explained.

 _"The nightmares and flashbacks are increasing?"_ Lawson asked.

He sighed. "Yeah. He's worse after they happen too," he stated, "What can I do?"

 _"He's worse afterwards?"_ the doctor queried.

"Takes him longer to wake up, figure out where he is, he was trying to hide how he felt before but now… I don't know, I feel like I'm losing him," he said mournfully, he was desperate to help but had no idea how, having Casey to speak to Lawson didn't seem to be making a difference.

 _"It's going to take time, even when things seem to improve anything could send him back to square one. We're going to help him cope with his feelings so when they're overwhelming he can learn how to control them again. I noticed he'd lost weight since he's been at home but I didn't broach the subject with him, he's not eating?"_ Lawson asked.

"No not really," he replied.

 _"The lack of nutrients and energy really isn't going to be helping his coping methods, the brain shuts down and relies only on basic functions like threat detection which is already highly sensitive with what he's been through, it's making it extremely difficult for him to make good decisions because of his lack of willpower,"_ Lawson explained.

"What do we do? I can't force him to eat and I've offered every single option I can think of," Severide pressed.

 _"There are no quick solutions Kelly, just time and patience,"_ Lawson stated softly.

"What if he gets worse?" Severide asked urgently. Casey looked so ill right now he would be barely recognisable by those who didn't know him well.

 _"Give him more time Kelly, it's only been two weeks, he could suffer from PSTD for the rest of his life but he is going to learn how to cope,"_ Lawson counselled.


	15. Lake

_Apartment_

One week passed by, during that time Casey had been to two appointments with Doctor Lawson and one physical therapy session. He was still not eating and still waking up most nights after being assaulted by night terrors. He had at least one flashback a day and was still continuously struck by his memories of his nine days of hell. Severide tried to give him the space he asked for but he watched him struggle day to day and it frustrated him to no end, he just wanted him to eat, speak and get out of bed without being coaxed. He knew it wasn't just as easy as telling him what he needed to do, it didn't help that Casey was almost entirely confined to the wheelchair when he was moving around, he'd gone from being so active to now only be able to stand and hobble about a little before growing too tired. The lack of exercise certainly didn't help his mood, and Severide realised he was probably more excited for his wrists to heal than Casey was himself. So far neither of them had noticed a difference with the SSRIs but they'd only been in his system for a short while.

Casey was sat on the bed as Severide unfastened the brace and changed the bandage underneath, the stitches were coming out tomorrow and his leg already looked much better now the bruising had began to fade. As Severide moved on to the support wrap and bandage on his right wrist he stated, "The weather's nice today, it's bright and not too cold out." The curtains in Casey's room were always drawn shut and the main light constantly lit the room, he replaced the wrap onto his friends wrist as he spoke. "We should go to the lake, be good to get some fresh air, it's getting a bit stale in here," he smiled. Three days ago when Severide had suggested leaving the house his friend had become agitated and then angry, insisting he couldn't leave the house looking like he did. Severide knew it had nothing to do with appearances; his friend grew anxious even when a window was cracked open, "We can stay in the car? It'll at least be a change of scenery for you?"

"I'm not scared," Casey stated in a voice so unlike his own that it was obviously untrue.

"Case," he sat down at the end of the bed, "That's not true but it doesn't matter because we're working on scared remember?"   
  
Casey nodded reluctantly.  
  
"Good, now let's take a trip out. Nothing will happen, it'll be positively boring!" Severide grinned.

"I don't _think_ something will happen it just… it just feels like it will," Casey explained hesitantly, unsure if it made much sense as he said it out loud.

"Bet Lawson already told you but your brain is… it's like it's stuck on survival mode. You still think you're being threatened and it really doesn't help that your brain keeps giving you flashbacks," Severide stated.

"Fucked up brain?" Casey questioned with a small smile.

"Yeah fucked up brain," Severide smiled back, "But that's why those pills should help. Now do you wanna shower before we leave?"

"Probably should," Casey replied wryly and Severide nodded.

_Lakeside_

Casey had spent the journey to the spot by the lakeside in silence looking out of the trucks passenger window. It still felt odd being a passenger in his own car. The heating was on full and the radio filled the silence with endless chatter and music. Severide had pulled into the small parking lot so they were sat facing the lake, watching a few runners jog by and a couple of walkers passed by. It was quiet, no one was sat on any of the benches but it was early afternoon on a weekday so Severide hadn't expected it to be bustling which was exactly why he had chosen this particular spot.

After turning the radio off Severide asked, "Wanna get out? Get some fresh air?"

Before answering Casey continued to gaze out the front windscreen noting how quiet and peaceful in looked in the bright open area. "Sure," he responded.  
  
 Severide got out and grabbed the wheelchair from the back of the truck, unfolded it and set it by the passenger door. Casey then carefully exited and positioned himself in the chair. The sun was shining brightly but the wind was bitterly cold, he was glad he'd accepted the many layers of clothing as they left the house.

"You ok?" Severide asked as he sat down on the bench, facing the lake, whilst Casey remain comfortably in the chair.

Casey frowned, "I'm… fine."

"You didn't expect to be?" Severide asked.

He shook his head and replied quietly, "No."

"See you're not as crazy as you think," Severide grinned.

They spent a few moments in comfortable silence before Casey spoke up, "It's actually kinda peaceful, it's nice."

A man ran past and Casey followed him with his eyes. Severide smiled, "You'll be back running along here in no time."

"In no time? I must be the un-fittest firefighter in the world," he stated but there was no resentment or sadness in his tone.

"Ah I dunno Case, some of your guys on truck…" Severide smirked.

"Always picking on my guys… if you're not stealing them," Casey said flippantly.

Severide joked, "Not my fault. I'm the awesome lieutenant of the cool squad truck and you're the…"

"I'm the…?" Casey urged, eyebrows raised, a small smile on his lips.

Severide laughed, "Well I bet you were the teacher's pet at school!" When Casey didn't reply he continued laughing. "You were, weren't you? Were you a nerd too?" he grinned.

"I was not a nerd…" Casey insisted, a disgruntled expression on his face.

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Severide sniggered.

"Just cause I did my homework doesn't make me a nerd, and it didn't make me a teacher's pet… just because you didn't do your work doesn't make you 'cool'…" he smiled, imagining Severed in detention for running out of excuses for handing in his work.

"I had better things to do then homework… like kissing girls for starters, bet you were hiding away in woodwork whilst everyone else was getting all the action," Severide teased, Casey scoffed, "Hey what was that look?"

"I'll have you know I had several..."  
  
"Several?" Severide was grinning broadly.  
  
"Several sexual encounters."  
  
"Yeah I believe that," Severide responded, "You've changed a bit, well grown up I guess, since then... since..."  
  
"Since Hallie," Casey continued for him. "Anyway I did have a girlfriend in high school; Sadie Miller," he grinned at the memory.

"Bet she was a teacher's pet too," Severide continued to mock with his earlier accusation.

Casey smiled at one of the few happy memories he had from his high school years. "She was actually voted prom queen," he told him.

"Please tell me you were prom king?" Severide grinned at the image of an adolescent Casey receiving a crown.

"No, thank God, that would have been embarrassing," he mumbled.

"Where is she now? Did she ditch you and marry the prom king?" Severide grinned.

"She just went to collage half way across the country," he explained with a smile.

"I am so digging out your yearbook when we get back."

_Apartment_

The trip outdoors had done Casey some good. There had been no incidents, no flashbacks or intrusive thoughts as far as Severide was aware. It had, however, exhausted Casey so much that he slept during the short trip back. They were sat on the couch together, Severide had placed a sandwich down in front of Casey like he did every day at lunch time hoping he'd decide to eat rather than just slowly sip at a carton of Ensure. The TV was on, they were watching Animal Planet.

Casey adjusted himself, stretched and winced slightly. "Sore?" Severide asked without taking his eyes off the TV, Casey wouldn't like the attention.

Casey let out a long breath. "Just aching," he replied.

"Are you doing the exercises the physio showed you?" Severide asked.

Casey shrugged, "Yeah."

"Twice a day? That's what she said, right?" Severide raised his eyebrows questioningly and Casey just shrugged again in response. "Case..." he admonished, "It's important, it'll make things easier later on."

"I know, I get it. It just seems far way," he responded miserably, glancing down at his wrists.

"Not really, in less than two months they'll be off and then you'll be on crutches soon after that," Severide smiled.

"Oh great," Casey rolled his eyes scathingly.

"It is. The time will fly by, your leg will heal, you'll get stronger and you'll be back at work," he smiled.

Casey turned to look at him, frowning, "Cause that's the aim right? To be back at work?"  
  
Confusion washed across Severides face.  
  
Casey continued, "Well it's not my aim."

"Matt you're only saying that now because it seems like a long time away but it's not, you're going to be up and out of that chair and back into action soon, I promise," Severide said softly.

"Yeah? What'll happen when a gun goes off on call? A loud bang? A door opening? Hell I can't even turn my bedroom light off!" he exclaimed breathlessly.

"You're going to get…" Severide began.

"Get through this? Move on?" he interrupted disbelievingly.

"Look, I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment but you're already getting better, you…" Severide was interrupted once more.

"Well done Casey, you went outside for the first time in… in who knows how long!" he mocked.

"Casey..." Severide didn't know what to say, he didn't know what words would make anything better because the truth was there was nothing he could say right now to console his friend.

"You should go. I mean, what are you even doing here anyway? Since when do you decide to just hang out with me all day long? You weren't even talking to me before all of this happened!" he yelled, "What was it you called me? Oh yeah, 'a sanctimonious prick!' So what the hell are you doing here?"

Severide stood up. "You want me to go?" he raised his arms in mock surrender, "Fine I'll go. I'll back late tonight."

_Molly's_

Severide was soon sitting with Capp, Tony and Brett nursing a beer. He'd regretted leaving the apartment almost immediately, he was now on his second drink and was constantly checking his phone for any messages or calls from Casey, he was completely unengaged in the conversations taking place around him.

"Severide?" Capp finally caught his attention.

"Huh?" Severide muttered.

"The blonde to your left," he hinted.   
  
Severide glanced around to see a tall blonde lady smiling at him teasingly, he looked back towards Capp who urged him over so he turned back and smiled before getting up and walking over with two new drinks in his hands. They chatted for a while, Severide wasn't particularly interested in what she was saying and if he was honest he couldn't even remember her name.   
  
"So I know it's early but do you wanna get out of here? My apartments close by," she spoke seductively.

_Apartment_

It was dark outside now, Casey hadn't moved off the couch since Severide had left. He was an idiot for yelling, he'd let the words come tumbling angrily out of his mouth before he could stop them, he wasn't even angry at Severide. He didn't know what he was angry at. He sighed and got up only to unceremoniously drop down into the chair. He wheeled himself to the kitchen and reached up onto the counter to grab the pills he needed to take before going to bed. He started taking out the ones he wanted but an image popped into his head. He eyed the painkillers before taking them to his room. He left the chair by his bed, hobbled into the bathroom and closed the door behind himself, he then placed he pot on the small bathroom counter that was also serving as a crutch.

He could picture himself swallowing the whole bottle, downing it with the alcohol that was sat in the fridge. In the back of his mind he knew that was not the best way to do it, he'd probably end up just throwing up all the pills. No, instead he would take a few with a swig of beer and repeat the process. He knew he'd be less likely to regurgitate all his efforts that way. He shook his head as if to rid the image of himself sitting on the bathroom swallowing pill after pill. He wasn't suicidal, he didn't want to die, did he? He wasn't that selfish, he didn't to cause anyone to feel upset or guilty, not that he would be there to witness it but he couldn't cause that. Nevertheless it would end everything, it would stop all his thoughts and memories taking over and it would constant anxiousness he felt in his core.

"Casey it's just me, I'm back, you in bed?" he just about heard Severides voice through the closed bathroom door. He realised as soon as Severide walked into the kitchen he was likely to notice the missing pills. He was right because a few moments later he heard his name being called apprehensively.

"In here," he replied quietly. He didn't want to worry Severide, after all he didn't want to swallow all the pills despite the image planting itself in the forefront of his mind.

"Matt?" Severide called, this time he was closer and the apprehension in tone had heightened.

"In here," he repeated.

Now stood outside the ensuite door Severide asked, "Can I come in?"

"No," Casey replied quietly, embarrassed that Severide had found him like this.

"C'mon, let me in because I blew off having sex with the most gorgeous blonde to come back here," Severide spoke through the bathroom door.

"Fine," he conceded and Severide entered to find him clutching the bathroom counter precariously. He was relieved to see and almost full container of painkillers.

"Put your weight on me, let's get you into bed, you look exhausted," Severide said supportively before helping Casey out of the bathroom.


	16. Pills

_Apartment_

Casey woke up slowly and for a brief moment he had no memories of the events that had taken place in the last few weeks. He had half expected to open his eyes and find Dawson sleeping soundly beside him but slowly he became aware of his encased limbs and aching body and his memories came flooding back to him.

Severide watched as Casey opened his eyes and took in his surroundings; he noted the slightly disappointed look that crossed his face. "Hey," Casey greeted him, "You been here all night?" he asked, still half asleep.

He nodded slowly, "We should talk about last night."

"I'm not going to kill myself," Casey replied quietly.

"Then why were in the bathroom with those pills?" Severide questioned.

"I wasn't going to…" he replied tiredly, turning his body away from Severide, "It was just in my head."

Severide frowned, he didn't understand what he meant. "What?" but Casey didn't reply, "Case?"

Casey groaned with annoyance, he just wanted to fall back to sleep, "What?"

"What do you mean it was just in your head? If it was in your head how…"

"I pictured it in my head, that's all. I wasn't going to do anything," he slurred tiredly in an attempt to satisfy Severide with an answer.

Severide still didn't understand but he shook his head and stated, "You need to get up."

"No," Casey replied tiredly and tried to bury himself under the bed covers, "Not yet."

"Yes. We need to go to the hospital," Severide explained.

"I said I wasn't trying to kill myself," he replied, still annoyed.

"I don't believe you," Severide admitted, "But that's not why we're going. You're getting your stitches out."

 _Hospital Cafeteria_  
  
Casey had been sitting sullenly on the bed in the middle of the hospital room whilst the nurse had chatted amiably when she had carefully removed his stitches. He had paid little attention to her and to Severide who had been sat in the corner. He was still paying little attention to him now as they sat in the cafeteria. He didn't even move the food around on his plate as Severide ate the food on his own. He was sulking and Severide knew why. "You're not even going to have a little bit?" he asked indicating the untouched sandwich on the table in front of him.

He shrugged, replying spitefully, "Doesn't matter, does it? Since I want to off myself." It was so uncharacteristic of him to sit and sulk but he was annoyed, he'd tried to explain his actions but he'd been dismissed.

Severide sighed, "If anyone else saw what I saw last night they'd think the same."

"I told you what happened," he replied, not taking his eyes off the plate of food in front of him.

"If it was just in your head why were the pills in the bathroom?" Severide questioned.

Casey frowned. "I don't know," he sighed, "I would never…"

"I know," Severide said simply, regretting his rather rash decision to state that he didn't believe his explanation. "We're gonna figure this out Case. You just… you scared me yesterday, you say you don't want to go back to work and then I come home and find you in the bathroom looking like you're gonna OD."

"I'm sorry," Casey muttered, "I'm being a jerk."

"No I was. I shouldn't have just left yesterday, I know you don't…" he began.

"It was my fault," Casey interrupted.

"Ok instead of each of us blaming ourselves let's just not do it again. I won't get annoyed and I'd like you to try and not push anyone away? I know that's how you've always dealt things in the past but you said it yourself your thoughts aren't so overwhelming when you're with someone," he spoke understandingly.

"I don't want anyone to worry," Casey explained.

"I know and I do understand your logic but it makes me worry more."

"Sorry," Casey muttered.

"You can quit apologising all the time too," he grinned.

"Sorry," Casey replied, Severide just laughed, and he smiled in realisation, "Oh."

Still grinning at Casey he continued, "Yesterday going to the lake was good right?"   
  
Casey nodded.  
  
"How about every day we try and do something like that? And we build it up slowly," he suggested before he frowned in wonder and asked, "Do you really not want to go back to work?"

"I can't," Casey replied quietly after a few moments of silence.

"You know Boden's not expecting you back as soon as that's off," Severide indicated to his leg.

"I don't know how this will stop," he shook his head and tried to explain, "You know when I hurt my head I knew I was getting better. I mean, I almost died right? But I could see myself back at work, I didn't even consider not going back, hell, you and I both know I went back too soon!"

"This is completely different, you know that right? Stuff in your head doesn't just heal like broken bones and gunshot wounds. It's gonna take time, and it's not going to be a smooth road, you'll take steps back but you will get through this Case, I promise," Severide explained.

"You sound like Lawson," Casey commented.

"I've been doing a lot of reading," he replied and Casey gave him a look, he was almost surprised so Severide added, "You'd do the same for me."

"Sorry you have to," Casey replied.

"What did I say about apologising?" he grinned.

"I am sorry, really… I'm so messed up," he sighed.

"You know when my dad left I didn't…" he paused, he'd never admitted this before, "… I didn't cope very well and I had to see the school counsellor for longer that I'd like to admit; we're all messed up."

Casey swallowed and looked away. "Did you imagine killing yourself?" he asked so quietly Severide barely heard him.

Severide shook his head, "No."

"I don't want to but what if do?" he asked timidly, still averting his eyes.

"I know you won't," Severide consoled, "And those pills Lawson wants you to take? When they're in your system all these thoughts that become overwhelming will start to become manageable."

"Can we go home? Watch TV, have some sort of normal conversation?" Casey plastered a smile across his face, he'd had enough of talking today, he still felt emotionally drained from the previous night.

"Yeah, sure," Severide nodded.

_Apartment_

Casey was slouched on the couch with his leg propped on the coffee table, he was half asleep as Severide stood in the kitchen making dinner, a sandwich for Casey and chili and rice for himself. He spoke to Casey as he re-joined him in the lounge so that he wasn't startled by his sudden presence. "Food," he announced when he placed the plates on the coffee table. Casey acknowledged him just by moving his leg off the table allowing it gently touch the floor as he sat up a little straighter. He remained silent as Severide flicked through the channels before settling on a comedy channel. Severide ate his dinner whilst Casey never touched his own.

Later in the evening Severide thought he'd only imagined Casey let out a small laugh until he looked to his left and saw a genuine smile spread across his friend's lips as he was engrossed in the TV show. Severide smiled to himself and tried to bring his attention back to the screen. Soon out of the corner of his eye he saw Casey reach for half of the sandwich that had been sat in front of him all evening, he didn't say anything or turn to watch but inwardly he felt relieved as Casey finished of the sandwich and proceeded to drink the entire carton of Ensure.

"I'm gonna shower," Casey announced as he moved from the sofa to the chair. Severide watched him leave and smiled to himself. It was still such an effort for Casey to undress, wash and dress again so an hour later Severide was surprised to see him wheel himself back into the lounge. "I was thinking…" Casey began.

"Oh yeah?" Severide grinned.

"Maybe you were right," he said.

Severide laughed, "You'll have to be more specific."

"Funny," Casey mocked before continued, "Maybe we should move or redecorate or something. Do you think it would be a good idea? Do you think it would help?"

"Yeah, think it will, you won't be reminded of what happened, you can stop avoiding most the apartment," Severide said knowingly; he continually noticed Casey's reluctance to be anywhere in the apartment except for his room unless Severide was with him. "You could start having a look at places online tomorrow whilst I'm on shift, if anything it'll hopefully stop you from going stir-crazy in the house." It would also help to distract him, Severide thought.

"Ok," he nodded, "Well, "I'm going to bed."

As Casey started to leave Severide stopped him, "Casey." He turned around expectantly in his wheelchair. "You ate," Severide smiled, he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to acknowledge the empty plate but he was still so pleased about it and he wanted Casey to know.

"I was hungry," Casey replied simply.

Several hours later Casey was still lying awake in his room, the main light was on and the small TV was blaring. He paid little attention to the screen, it was just on for background noise so he wasn't stuck alone with his own thoughts, instead he was stuck with The Cartoon Network channel. He had heard Severide go to bed and was a little annoyed that he couldn't sleep, he'd been sleeping much more than usual recently but now he was wide awake despite the tiring day. Soon he had to shuffle from under the heavy duvet cover and hobble into the bathroom. After using the toilet he used the sink counter to hold himself upright as he stared at his reflection. His cheeks were hollowed, his jawline was sharp underneath the fuzz of hair, his eyes were dark and the cut on the side was still faintly visible, he wondered if it would ever fade entirely. When he could no longer keep himself upright he slowly made his way back to his bed and his weary frame fell asleep.  
 __  
The door banged opened jolting him awake. The light blinded him, his head was throbbing from the lack of water, his ragged shirt was sticking to the wounds on his chest, his arms were numb and his wrists were swollen. He was pulled up onto his knees by the tall balding man. The other man in the suit knelt down in front of him and took hold of his right wrist.  
  
"How is the pain? Can you feel your fingers?" the man asked. Casey gasped and bit his lip to stop a scream from escaping his dry mouth as the hand clamped around his wrist like a vice. His vision greyed around the edges fleetingly before the Bulgarian continued. "I find myself in a bit of a difficult position here Casey. I do not enjoy this, I am not doing this for pleasure, this is business and you are obstructing my business. Do you understand? I am willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the smooth running of my business as any man would. I killed Katya, I won't hesitate to do what is necessary and if you don't start cooperating things will only get worse," the man explained. He took hold of Caseys jaw, "So are you going to continue with your lies or will I get answer today?"   
  
Casey saw the opportunity and took it, the man's head was only centimetres away from his so with all his strength he forced his head forwards and whacked the Bulgarian on his nose sending him staggering backwards to land sprawled on his back with blood gushing down his face.

_Retaliation did not take long. The man in the suit stood up, brushed himself off, walked up to Casey who was still being held up. Casey had tried to brace himself for the knee that came towards his face but nothing could have prepared him for the wave of dizziness that relented after the blow. There was a coppery taste in his mouth and throat that made him gag; he'd bitten his own tongue. He struggled to open his right eye; it had already begun to swell. Something trickled down his nose but he had little chance to think about it as he was suddenly dropped unceremoniously to the floor. His ears were ringing but he distinctly heard the Bulgarian command, "Strip him and do what you wish."_

_Casey heard the door slam shut, he struggled but eventually managed to push himself back until he hit the wall despite the agony that radiated from his wrists. The tall bald man loomed over him before he slowly knelt down trapping Casey's legs under his own. Casey tried to move but it was useless and the man grabbed the waistband of his jeans. He felt sick, fearing the worst as the trousers were yanked down to his ankles. He let out an involuntary whimper and suddenly a hand was clamped over his mouth. "Quiet or you have something to scream for," the man said in broken English._

_"Please don't..." tears were streaming down his face now and he groaned as the man's fist slammed in his side._

_"One more word I break your jaw," the man stated before he continued roughly removing Casey's clothes. The jeans still lay bunched up at his ankles when the remainder of his top was removed, Casey was trembling before the man even took hold of his boxers; they were yanked down just as quickly as his jeans and they now sat bunched up at his ankles. He was frozen to the spot as the man leaned down so that his face was only mere millimetres away from his own, Casey clamped his eyes shut expecting the worst to begin but all he heard was a whisper, "You keep silent; the more I have fun." Quickly his jeans and boxers were yanked away with his socks and the door was slammed shut. He forgot about his wrists and pushed himself over onto to his side. He curled in on himself as his body continued trembling violently. He retched. He could barely catch his breath and his vision began to fade._

Severide woke up abruptly, he wondered what had caused his sudden consciousness and then he heard a sound that sent a chill down his spine. He bolted upright and scrambled out of bed; Casey was screaming. He rushed into Casey's bedroom. "Casey?" he questioned, scared that he would be too far away from the present, "It's ok, you're at home," he stated as he had done many times before when Casey had woken from a nightmare. However unlike before Casey was already aware that he was in his own bedroom and that Severide had just entered, he was looking directly at him, pleading him to help as he struggled to catch a breath.

"I'm going to sit with you," Severide announced, he needed to help calm down his friends breathing, "Put your hand on my chest and concentrate on my breathing." But Casey ignored him and continued trembling as his chest heaved so slowly Severide took his friends hand and placed it on his upper body and gradually Casey's breathing slowed to match his and his body relaxed. "What happened?" Severide asked gently.

"Think I remembered," Casey replied tiredly, "I'd forgotten."

"What had you forgotten?" he asked.

"Thought he was…" Casey began to explain and more tears made their way down his cheeks, "… I was so scared; please don't make me say it… they didn't do anything but I thought…"

"It's ok, it's ok," Severide soothed. "You're ok. Here..." he adjusted the twisted covers, "Lie back down, keep taking some deep breaths, I'm just going to get something to help you sleep." He soon was back at his side momentarily with a glass of water and two Silenor pills. "Take these and drink this," he instructed and was glad Casey did as he said. "Ok you've got two choices right now Case," he announced and Casey frowned tiredly, "Harry Potter, because believe it or not I've not actually read them yet, or the sports section of yesterday's newspaper?"

"I like the books," Casey slurred.

"I thought you would; you are a nerd after all," Severide teased.

"They're good," he slurred once more, and Severide smiled glad the distraction was working.

"Close your eyes then," Severide said and as soon as Casey's eyes were closed he began; " _Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…"_


	17. Coping

_Apartment_

"Morning Chief, sorry for calling so early but I wanted to let you know I'm probably going to be late for shift…" Severide began to explain over the phone as he sat watching Casey's sleeping form under the mound of bed covers.

 _"Is Casey ok?"_ Boden asked with concern.

"I'm not sure yet," he said simply, he didn't want to give away all the details, didn't want to betray Casey's trust.

 _"Ok I'll cover for you. Let me know if I can do anything to help,"_ Boden replied.

"Will do Chief," he stated before he ended the call and put his mobile back in his dressing gown pocket. The sun had only just risen and the room felt cold as the heating was on a timer and didn't stay on all night. He pulled his dressing gown around him and groaned slightly as his back ached from spending the last few hours sat in the small chair.

Casey woke up feeling extremely groggy, an effect of the sleeping pills he'd been given early in the morning. It took him a moment to realise that Severide was in his room, "Hi," he greeted him tiredly.

"Hey sleepy," Severide smiled glad to see he sounded better than earlier.

"What's the time?" he asked blearily.

"Nearly half ten," Severide replied.

Casey sat up a little. "Aren't you on shift today?" he asked.

"I'm going in later," Severide explained.

"Ok," he replied. "I just wanna stay in bed," he admitted sleepily.

Severide understood why and he wasn't worried, if Casey wanted to stay in bed after the awful time he'd had last night he wasn't going to stop him, today it wasn't because he was trying to avoid the world he was simply emotionally exhausted and the pills he'd had last night were likely make him sleepy for another few hours. "How are you feeling? Honestly," he asked, wondering if Casey would talk about what had happened.  
 **  
**"Erm... my throat hurts," Casey admitted.

Severide was glad because he wasn't pretending that nothing had happened which made him even more willing to accept that Casey should stay in bed for the rest of the day. "Yeah I bet it does. I'll get you a drink," he spoke, "Other than your throat how are you doing?"

"I _am_ ok, I feel better now I've slept, just a little groggy," Casey replied. He frowned when he saw the book by Severides side, "I thought I'd imagined that."

Severide grinned, "No you did not." His smiled faded as he asked, "Do you need me to stay?"

"No," Casey replied, "I'll be ok, you should go to work."

"All right then, I'll get you some breakfast then go," Severide replied and after bringing Casey breakfast, water, a carton of Ensure and his medication he stated, "I'll call you when we're not on call to…"

"Check up on me?" Casey smiled sleepily as he swallowed down the first lot of pills.

"Yup," he smiled, so glad that his friend seemed to be doing well today, "And I may be late back in the morning; I've just finished the milk and we've got no bread. Want anything else from the store?"

Casey shook his head and once Severide left he ate a little breakfast snuggling back under the duvet and drifting off to sleep.

_Firehouse_

"He's all right?" Boden asked Severide as they stood in his office.

"He is now. Thanks for this morning," he replied.

"No problem. Are you ok? You look exhausted," Boden asked.

"Earlier than anticipated start to the day," he smiled, "But we might be finding a new place to rent, after what happened I think it will help, like you suggested."

"Good," Boden replied.

"And I think I'll take up you offer to help when we do move," Severide smiled.

"You got it," Boden nodded.  
 _  
Apartment_

Casey had spent the majority of the day in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom, fetch a fresh drink and take his pills at the end of the day. The next morning he made sure he was up, out of bed and showered before Severide would be arriving home. He had thought about making a cooked breakfast for him but when he realised he would most likely just make a mess he shook the idea away. He was starting to look forward to the day they were no longer encased in plaster and the brace, he wanted his full independence back. Slowly he made a fist with both hands, they both felt incredibly weak, he knew he should be doing the exercises given to him by the physio more often.

He was just about to look around the apartment for the squidgy ball he had be given when there was a knock at the door, he froze, Severide had a key, he didn't need to knock, he usually just let himself in and announce that he was home. The noise echoed around the apartment as there was another knock on the door, he didn't move.

"Casey? It's Gabby, are you up?"

He let out a sigh of relief. "Just a minute," he called out. He quickly looked down at the scruffy joggers he was wearing, they drowned him. He brushed a hand through his hair but he knew it was no use; it needed cutting, it jutted out all over the place and there was no way he could tame it before he had to let Dawson in.

"Hey," he greeting after unlocking and opening the door.

Dawson stood in front of him with a broad smile spread across her face, "Hi Matt, how are you?"

"Good thanks, you?" he replied courteously with a small smile. He wondered why she was really here, she'd not called him or messaged him, the last time he'd seen her had been at the hospital where he'd asked if they could get back together. Maybe she had changed her mind and that's why she was here and he smiled inwardly at the thought.

"I'm good. You must be bored stuck in the house? Thought I'd take you out," she half questioned.

"Oh..." he replied a little shocked at the suggestion. Obviously not everyone else realised that going out was not a high priority for him. "Out?" he repeated.

"Yeah out, let me take you out for breakfast, you look like you need it," she stated and Casey suddenly felt very self-conscious. "You look worse than when you were in the hospital, are you eating?" she questioned.

"I'm eating," he responded, a little annoyed now at the intrusion to his morning which had actually been quite pleasant.

"Are you gonna let me in?" she asked with a smile even though she'd already began edging her way in. He wheeled the chair back and allowed her further into the apartment that he used to call theirs.

The place was in quite a state at the moment, he couldn't easily clean up after himself and Severide had moved things around so he could easily access everything but it mean the food that they did have in was just sat on the kitchen worktops. There was a large cardboard container on the dining room table, a bulk order of vanilla Ensure. There were blankets heaped haphazardly on the couch and DVDs scattered on the floor in front of the TV. On the coffee table there were two dirty plates and crumbs scattered around them. The whole apartment was also lit up brightly, almost every light was on despite the hour of the day.

"Do you wanna get changed before we go out?" Dawson asked carefully as she sat down on the couch after moving some of the blankets out of the way.

"Where are we going?" he asked. He was really unsure about going out. His trip to the lake had been nice but he'd been with Severide and it was quiet; there'd been no expectations.

"We could go to that diner where you normally get coffee," she suggested. "And we could chat," she smiled, adding, "About us."

Maybe there was an 'us' after all, Casey thought, he felt a little annoyed he'd have to leave the comfort of the apartment for this conversation though. Meekly he agreed, "Ok, sure, sounds good." He didn't want her to think there was something wrong with him, he didn't want her to spot the myriad of medications he was on.

"Do you want to get changed? I can wait," she repeated her earlier question.

"I… erm… I can't," he replied with embarrassment.

"Oh right, I can help you?" she said brightly.

"No, I can't really wear anything else anyway, jeans would be awkward to fit over my leg," he explained. He left out that of course his jeans were several sizes too big for him and the elasticated waistband on the joggers was the only thing that would keep them up.

"Oh ok," she replied, "Should we just go then? There's plenty of room in my car for you to sit comfortably."  
 __  
Diner  
  
A while later Casey found himself sat in the middle the diner he used to stop regularly for coffee, "Good to be out the apartment?" Dawson asked brightly, he just nodded in reply. "Are you ok?" she asked, he'd said very little on the way over and now they were sitting at the table he kept glancing around, almost wildly. She tried to pretend she didn't notice, after all it would be good for him to get out and she really needed to talk to him and didn't want to do it in what used to be their shared apartment.

"Hi guys, what can I get you today?" an overly enthusiastic waitress beamed down at them.

"Toast and a side of bacon please, and a coffee," Dawson replied.

"Hun? Can I get you anything?" she questioned when Casey didn't answer.

"Matt?" Dawson asked bringing him out of his own worried thoughts.

He took another glance around the diner and noticed the waitress smiling kindly down at him, "Oh erm... just toast please," he stuttered.

"To drink?" she smiled after writing his order down.

"Strawberry milkshake please," he replied politely.

"Would like extra ice cream in it?" the waitress asked, still smiling warmly down at him.

"Sure," he smiled. The waitress left the two of them alone promising to be back with their order soon.

"Milkshake?" Dawson questioned, she'd never seen him have one before.

"What?" he shrugged.

"When do you get that cast off?" she asked.

"In a couple of weeks."

She smiled, "That's good, be easier for you once you're on crutches."

"Yeah," he nodded, hoping Dawson was going to keep talking as he felt like he had nothing to say and he wanted the distraction from the loud and busy surroundings.

"They don't think your leg will be right when the bone's healed?" she asked him carefully reminding Casey how he'd previously told her it was unlikely he'd be going back to work.

"Actually they say it's looking good now," he replied.

"That's brilliant Matt," she smiled, pleased for him.

"I guess," he said quietly.

"You guess? Its great news, you'll be able to go back to work!"

"Yeah," he forced a smile. He didn't want her to know what a struggle it was going to be to prepare himself for work again, he didn't want her to know that he was sleeping with the lights on and that he'd been petrified at the knock on the door because he didn't know who it was. He didn't want her to know that right now he wished he was back at home instead of anxiously glancing around the loud diner and he really hoped she didn't notice how he was jumping at the slightest unexpected noise.

Thankfully their order arrived and Casey busied himself with his milkshake. "You should really eat more, is Severide helping at all?" Dawson asked but Casey either chose to ignore her or hadn't heard her.

"You said you wanted to talk about us?" he said cautiously before glancing over his shoulder to see more people entering the diner.

She lent forwards and sighed, "This is difficult Matt."

The world slowed down around him as the realisation hit him; "It's over isn't it?"

"I'm sorry Matt. We tried but it's not worked out," she replied, putting her fork down on her plate.

"No we didn't," he said quickly. "We didn't try, we just put it off, we're still on hold?" he frowned.

"No we're not, it'll never go back to how it was, you know that really," she said softly.

It would never go back to how it was because she had chosen her career over him, but of course he didn't say that. "Do you still love me?" he asked quietly.

She hesitated momentarily before responding, "Of course I love you!"

He knew it wouldn't happen but he asked anyway, he was frustrated and annoyed by the whole situation. "Then why don't we get back together? If we both love each other? I don't get it! Explain it to me!" he raised his voice, he was trembling and the diner seemed to be closing in around him and he was struggling to catch his breath, "I risked my career to help yours, I sacrificed my personal life for your career, I just wanted to give you everything you wanted..."

"Matt!" she admonished, they'd managed to get the attention of several of the diners patrons. "Look. just finish eating and we'll go home," she suggested not noticing Casey's distress.

He shook his head, "I need some air." He fumbled with the breaks on the chair before managing to wheel himself outside.  
 __  
Apartment  
  
"I'm back and even managed to find those limited edition Oreos you like," Severide called out as he entered the apartment. When he didn't hear anything he assumed his friend was sleeping but the place seemed so quiet, Casey was still sleeping with the TV or radio on but there was nothing. "Case?" he called as he stepped into the bedroom; he wasn't there. He checked the ensuite and there was no sign of him.

Just as he was about to pull his cell phone out of his back pocket it rang, he answered it immediately after seeing the caller ID. "Where are you?" he asked with concern, Casey didn't reply but Severide could hear him breathing rapidly through the receiver. "Calm down and tell me where you?" he asked, masking his urgency.

 _"Sorry,"_ Casey spoken quietly through the phone.

"Where are you?" he repeated.

 _"Diner,"_ Casey replied.

"Your usual?" he queried.

Casey responded, _"Yes."_

Severide picked up the keys to the truck and unlocked the front door. "Are you on your own? Who are you with?" he asked, he had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't going to like the answer. He locked up the apartment and walked quickly outside.

 _"Gabby,"_ Casey replied.

Severide sighed, "Are you ok?"

 _"Can you, maybe, please co…"_ Casey began with a hint of embarrassment in his tone.

"Already on my way, hang tight," he said just as he turned the engine on. He put the phone down and sped off.

_Diner_

Casey was sitting outside the diner when saw Severide pull up in his own truck. Dawson had yet to come out to see if he was all right.

"Case?" Severide briskly walked up to him.

"I'm ok... sorry..." he replied averting his eyes embarrassed that he couldn't deal with the situation and had called Severide to help him.

Severide shook his head, Casey had nothing to apologise for. "You must be freezing, the trucks warm, let's get you in there," he stated and pushed the chair towards the passenger door before helping him inside. Their actions were being watched by Dawson from inside the diner, a frown played across her face wondering why Severide had turned up when she'd said she was happy to take Casey back home. Severide looked at her and was about to go inside but his priority was Casey, a priority Severide thought she should have had during the last year.

_Apartment_

Severide and Casey were soon sitting on the couch, the TV was on and Casey was covered in a brown fleece blanket he was still cold from his wait outside the diner. Neither had said anything but the silence was comfortable. Severide was seething over Dawson's actions and he had no idea what had actually been said but just the fact she had gone and taken him out of his comfort zone so suddenly was enough to annoy him, he stood up and announced, "I'm going to make a phone call."

Casey was left staring blankly at the TV and when Severide sat back down next to him he barely acknowledged it.

"She shouldn't have done that," Severide spoke after a moment.

Casey looked to him, "You called her?"

"To tell her she's an idiot who doesn't deserve you," he replied honestly.

"Oh."

"It's true, she doesn't deserve you," Severide said softly.

"You're just saying that because you're my friend," Casey stated sullenly.

"Anyone with the facts can see it's true," Severide reminded him.

"It's really over," he said quietly.

Severide nodded.

"Really I should have known it was over months ago," he sighed.

"The wall definitely thought it was over months ago," Severide grinned and it brought a smile to Caseys face, "Is there anything I can do?"

Casey shook his head. "I am ok," he said calmly and assertively, "I _am_ 'coping', like I coped in that horrendously busy and loud diner," he grinned thinking of Lawson and his overuse of the word cope.

"You are," Severide smiled, more so at Casey's positive attitude than his actions. He wasn't going to mention the panic attack he'd been having over the phone to him because this new positive attitude was going to change things for the better.

"Next stop; burning buildings," Casey smiled.


	18. Improving

_Café_

It had been a few days since the incident at the diner, Casey was still waking up in the middle of the night but during the day he seemed slightly less anxious, they had taken a few trips to the lakeside and they now made a routine visit to a small café by the hospital after his appointments with Lawson and his physical therapy sessions. Casey never spoke about what went on in his meetings with Lawson and Severide couldn't tell if they were helping or not; he didn't even know if Casey was even speaking to the doctor, he just hoped that he was. They were sat together in the café now. Casey had just seen the physio therapist, they'd been working on his core upper body strength in preparation for the crutches. After weeks of rest he was incredibly weak and he found the whole situation very embarrassing having gone from being at the peak of fitness to now struggling to do just ten sit ups.

"She likes you," Severide stated as the waitress walked away, Casey frowned disbelievingly. "She gives you extra food," he explained and Casey look down to see the extra hash brown and large side of bacon.

"Because she thinks I'm too thin," he retorted. There was no way anyone could like him now; he was covered in scars and he'd lost almost all of his muscle tone.

"You are," Severide agreed. "But that blond mop of hair of yours is adorable too," he smirked.

An undignified expression crossed Casey's face and he spoke evenly, "I am not adorable."

"Whatever," Severide grinned, "Eat up."

"I can't eat all this," Casey exasperated. Eating was still a sensitive topic; he did eat but according to everyone around him he wasn't eating enough. It wasn't that he was trying _not_ to eat, he still had no appetite, he was only eating because it was a necessity. He had never told Severide but when he was on shift yesterday Casey had suddenly found himself lying on his bedroom floor after a dizzy spell had knocked him down. He didn't feel any better until he ate the cold toast that had been on the bedside table and drank a bottle of Gatorade.

"Try," Severide implored. He could see the clogs ticking behind Casey's eyes and he knew what he was about to say, he always tried to hide his thoughts and feelings but his expressive eyes could give anything away, you just had to concentrate on him.

"I'm tired." It wasn't untrue, the session with the physio therapist had exhausted him but it didn't take much to do that. "Can we go?" he asked, unconsciously scratching at the back of his hand.

"We're having a good day, we don't need to go," Severide replied softly, "It's quiet and there's barely anyone in here. Eat what you want, finish your drink and we'll go home." Casey just needed the reassurance, every day he was improving a little, he had a routine and it helped and he kept himself distracted looking at places to rent online. Severide had asked him to compile a list of ones he liked the best, feigning disinterest in searching himself, so they could go through them together.

Casey took a deep calming breath and picked up the fork and began slowly making his way through the large plate of breakfast, frustrated with himself for the waves are anxiousness that continued. If only he could realise how much he'd improved over the last few weeks, rather than sinking into the feeling he fought the best he could to rise above all his overwhelming thoughts. Lawson was pleased that the lieutenant had seemed to find his own method of coping, Casey had lied and told him talking to Severide helped, little did he know Casey was attempting to deploy the only weapon he knew; burying everything deep inside, something Severide had been concerned about from the start but on the outside he really did appear a little better now.  
  
Apartment  
  
That evening Casey was sitting on the sofa with his leg propped on the coffee table and his laptop balanced on his lap as he showed Severide several different properties available for rent. "I'll make some calls and get some appointments to go and see them; which one is your favourite?" Severide asked, Casey shrugged, "Are you having second thoughts?"

"We've only been here for a year," Casey responded.

"Well that's the beauty of a rented property, give a month's notice and you can be somewhere else entirely," Severide smiled. He knew that wasn't the real reason for Caseys hesitation so he added gently, "It will help."

"My memories aren't going to disappear if we leave this place," Cased scoffed self-deprecatingly.

"No, they won't, but you're not going to be reminded of what happened every time you step out of your bedroom," he reasoned. Casey just gave him a small smile that didn't match the sullen look his eyes portrayed. "Why don't you chat to Lawson about it tomorrow?" he suggested, he had no idea what he spoke about during their sessions.

There was a pit of anxiousness in his stomach already in anticipation for his therapy session tomorrow. "Yeah sure," he replied with a small shrug. He dreaded their meetings now, he had begun to talk about what had happened but it didn't help, it only forced him to relive the events which happened to him enough with the flashbacks and nightmares.

_Therapy Room_

The next day Casey was sat on the sofa opposite Doctor Lawson. "How is the apartment hunt going?" the man asked.

"We're going to see some next week," Casey told him.

"Are you looking forward to it? You said the move was your idea?" Lawson queried.

"I guess," he said.

"You guess it was your idea or you guess you're looking forward to it?"

"Sure," Casey replied disinterested in the topic, he didn't want to be here.

"Matt," Lawson began, "Are you tired?"

"I'm always tired."

"Are you still waking up every night?" Lawson asked and he understood Caseys eye aversion to mean yes. "Is it the same memory or is different every time?"

"Sometimes I wake up and I don't remember them. I like those ones," he replied with a thin smile.

"Last week you said you didn't think you were safe, that you didn't feel safe, and we worked on some breathing exercises to help ground you, has that helped?" Lawson asked softly.

Casey thought back to the diner with Dawson where he thought he was going to have a panic attack, in his opinion he couldn't have controlled his breathing even if he had attempted to, so he shook his head and uttered a quiet, "No." He frowned as he thought. "Not on my own. If I wake Severide... well, I wake up screaming so I tend to wake him up most the time," he admitted with embarrassment, "But he helps, I'm not sure how but he does, he just _gets_ it."

"Matt I want to help you help yourself when you're on your own but I need you to tell me what happens after a nightmare when you're alone?" Lawson asked.

"I lied the other day," he stated with his focus fixed on the bookshelf to his right hand side. He wasn't about to admit that he would work himself up to exhaustion when Severide wasn't there to calm him down.

Lawson frowned, "To me?"

Casey shook his head, "I told Severide I was coping. I'm just..." he hesitated briefly, "… Getting better at looking like I am."

Lawson was pleased with this confession, "You're building up your walls again?"

"Yes. I suppose I am," he sighed, "Nothing else I can do."

Lawson urged him to explain his thoughts, "What do you mean?"

"I told him I was scared once, maybe twice," he frowned trying to remember, "But I can't _still_ be scared, not now."

"Why can't you still be scared?" Lawson asked gently.

"You have to move on," he replied simply.

"But you can't Matt," Lawson stated, "You're still scared, you can't just simply push these feelings away."

"I have nothing to be scared of," he said stoically, making sure there was no eye contact made between to two of because he was sure that as soon as he saw Lawson's sympathetic eyes the flood of tears that was threatening to burst would do so.

"Your memories? Being alone?" Lawson began to list what he knew Casey was scared of, "Things that remind of what happened? The dark, loud noises, being touched… You tell yourself that you have nothing to be scared of because you don't think you should be scared but there's nothing wrong with being scared not after everything you went through…"

"But I'm scared of everything!" Casey burst out, the tears began to fall and he bit his lip to stop it from quivering. "I'm…" he hesitated before he admitted, "I'm scared of myself."

Lawson nodded, "The thoughts and flashbacks make you relive the events over and over, it's understandable that you feel like that."

"No," Casey looked towards the doctor, "It's not just them. Because when I'm lying awake on my own surrounded by… stuck in my head the only escape I picture is…" he couldn't say, didn't want to admit it.

"Matt don't feel ashamed about what you're feeling," Lawson began, Casey scoffed in response. "I want you to write something down, a short statement, something you can keep in pocket and pull and read whenever all these thoughts overwhelm you, something you can keep repeating to yourself."

Casey looked dubious, "Like what?"

"Remind yourself that you survived," Lawson stated.

Casey thought for a moment before asking, "Do you need to read it?"

"Not if you don't want me to," he replied softly, "Here," he reached across and handed a pen and a small piece of paper attached to a clipboard, he watched as Casey stared down at the blank paper unsure of what to put down. "Matt, remind yourself that you survived," he repeated and soon Casey wrote a few words, "Ok keep that with you and look at it when you're panicking and repeat it to yourself especially when you're on your own."

Casey looked down at the piece of paper.  
  
_'I survived. I was hurt but I survived. I'm fine. I don't want to die.'_  
  
He slipped it into the front pocket of his hoody.

_Apartment_

Severide decided to take Casey straight home after his therapy session had ended. Casey looked exhausted and his eyes were red rimmed when he'd exited Lawson's room, Severide didn't say anything and nor did Casey on their journey home.

They sat in the lounge together for a short while when they arrived home. Severide glanced over to a docile Casey and spoke, "It's early but do you want dinner now and then an early night?"

Casey broke from his stupor and asked, "What's the time?"

"It's nearly four," Severide responded.

"Might just go to bed, not hungry," he replied.

"I know these appointments really take it out of you but…" Severide began.

"But I need to eat," Casey said lightly.

"How about scrambled egg and toast?" Severide asked and received a small approving nod from Casey.

"I'm looking forward to seeing apartments next week," Casey stated unexpectedly. He was trying to make an effort.

"That's good," Severide beamed. He knew looking forward to something in the firute was a big deal for Casey at the moment and he only hoped it was a truthful statement not one that was supposed to make him worry less.

"Do you think some of them will be too expensive?" he asked and Severide frowned, "I mean, I was looking at them with my salary in mind but I won't get full sick pay forever, will I?"

"You don't need to worry about that," Severide stated.

"I do have savings," he stated offhandedly.

"You'll still be getting some pay, you don't need to worry about it, and when the court case is all over you'll get compensation," Severide explained.

"Court?" he repeated with concern.

Severide realised none of the court process had been mentioned to Casey. In fact other than being told most the men had been arrested he'd been left out of the loop as he didn't think knowing more about the situation would help, that he'd be happy as long as they were all behind bars. "I don't think you'll need to testify, they have enough evidence, if, and I really mean _if_ you do need to it can be done through video, you won't have to be in the courtroom," Severide tried to reassure him.

Casey could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his mouth felt dry, his muscles tensed and he started trembling as thoughts were rushing in and out of his head. He didn't want to see any of the men again and he didn't want a whole courtroom of people knowing what had happened to him, what if the press was there? What if everyone already knew? They'd laugh at him, they'd say he was weak and pathetic, they'd think he was incompetent and couldn't work again…

"Case?" Severide interrupted the thoughts running in and out of his head.

"Does everyone know?" Casey asked quietly.

"Everyone knows you were missing for nine and that you were in hospital for a few weeks. They don't know the full extent of your injuries, they knew about the two operations on your leg but that's it," he replied. "Boden knows a little more," he said honestly, he didn't see the need to hide this information.

"My mom? Sister" Casey pursued.

Severide hesitated before he answered, "Your sister was at the hospital, couldn't get hold of your mom. The news reported that you were missing in case it helped to find you so a lot of people know you went missing."

"That's all?"

"They also got wind that you were found and reported that you'd been missing for nine days whilst you were recovering in hospital; no mention of injuries or anything," Severide replied cautiously, Casey was a very private person and he really didn't want to have to tell him any of this but he also knew it would be worse if he lied especially when he seemed to be the only person Casey truly trusted. When Casey didn't replied he questioned, "Are you ok?"

Casey took a deep breath. "Yeah," he nodded. "Really I am. It's not the worst thing that's happened to me," he forced a smile.


	19. Arms

_Apartment_

One week later Severide and Casey were sat in their apartment, there were a few cardboard boxes full of books and kitchen utensils as Severide had began to pack some of their possessions. They'd spent most of the day looking at apartments. They'd found one that was perfect, a studio apartment, except for the two bedrooms and main bathroom it was completely open plan which suited Casey as he could see the whole apartment. Severide had not long returned home from work and in three days' time Casey was getting the cast taken off his left arm and would be able to take the support wrap off. He wouldn't be using crutches right away as he needed to first regain the strength in his wrists but it was a step in the right direction.

"Hey look if we definitely go for this one we can have pets," Severide grinned looking at the brochure the lettings agent had given them.

Casey laughed, "Yeah we could get a little lap dog... just to solidify that guys thoughts..."

"Don't think I've ever seen you go that shade of red before," Severide joked.

"You didn't even try to deny it!" Casey grinned.

Severide had found looking for apartments together rather comical when two out of the four agents showing them round suggested they were a couple. "You got to admit it was kinda funny," he laughed, "Shay wouldn't have stopped going on about it if she'd heard!"

"Yeah like you won't stop going on about it!" Casey joked.   
  
A few hours later Casey had managed to shower, which was quite a feat with all his injuries still. He was sitting in his chair staring at the newly repaired wall where Severides fist had created a gaping hole weeks ago.  
  
"Sev?" Casey questioned to catch his attention.

"Yeah?" he looked away from the TV.

Casey continued to stare at the wall. "The plaster board," he stated, looking at Severide now, a thoroughly confused look crossed Severides face. "The notebook; I think she hid it in the club... she must have known they knew she wanted to tell someone so she hid it in between the wall in the new room, I'd only just finished plastering the day she came to me."

Severide frowned dubiously, "You think so?"

"Where else could it be?"

"Give Antonio a call," Severide replied even though he still didn't quite understand how Casey's theory had just come about.  
  
Casey nodded, "Yeah, think I will."

Later that night Severide was sitting alone in the lounge when he heard Casey shout. He rushed to his room to find him fighting with a tangle of bed covers and in his panic they seemed to be winning. "Casey," he spoke as he edged into the room.

"Please don't..." he was muttering.

"You're all right, we're at home," Severide reassured him as he got to the bed, "I'm going to come and sit next to you. I want you to concentrate on my breathing."

After a few minutes Casey realised where he was. "Sev?" he was still breathing quickly but his heaving chest was calming down. He sighed, "Why's it so real? They won't stop..."

Severide wasn't sure what answer Casey was looking for or even if he wanted an answer but he tried anyway, "You've not processed what's happened to you… your brain's not storing it properly…"

Casey interrupted him. "Everyone always says that talking helps, that it gets stuff off your chest, that sharing problems helps… why?" he asked tiredly.

"I don't know why but it _does_ help, , I know I'm not one to talk but if everyone always says it helps it must true," Severide replied. He wasn't one for talking either but he knew it helped, he thought vaguely back to his broken neck.

"Maybe everyone says it just so they can find out other people's business," Casey replied pessimistically.

"No," Severide said softly, "I think it will help you to understand what happened, help your process it."

"Will it stop this?" Casey asked sleepily

"Talk to me," Severide implored.

Casey sighed before he began with hesitancy, "I thought… I hoped you'd get home and find Katya and that she'd be ok. Really though I knew there was no chance she'd lost so much blood… and I didn't reply to your message, I didn't want to go to Molly's, I thought we were still arguing about Rice and Otis and all that, why did you even ask me to join you?"

"My way of apologising?" Severide shrugged and Casey frowned, "I checked out Rice's story; Otis was right. I should have told you the day I found out."

"Oh," Casey replied, "I'm sorry."

"And we had one hell of a call on that shift you missed, needed a drink with a friend. Although to be honest I didn't really expect you to text me back," Severide explained.

"I wish I had," Casey stated, he sighed, "Katya came just after you messaged me, if I'd said I was going to meet you then didn't you would have known something was up and maybe the whole thing wouldn't have happened."

"Or I could have got your text, completely forgotten about it half an hour later 'cause I was drinking," Severide suggested although he knew that wouldn't have happened but he wanted to change Casey's thinking and make him understand that there was nothing different he could have done to stop what happened.   
  
Severide had read about trauma victims looking back at the events that occurred and seeing them as more predictable than what was the case. Casey never had a chance of knowing what was going to happened and he wouldn't have been able to do anything differently but he didn't think like that and continued to blame himself for the actions of everyone around him. Casey made the best decisions he could with the knowledge he had at the time but he didn't think that, he thought he should have known better; he should have said no to the police before it all started. He constantly thought that he had made a series of bad decisions that led up to Katya's death and his kidnapping and what he did and said whilst he was held captive had all been mistakes to, he blamed himself for it all. Severide and Lawson wanted to work with him and let him see that he couldn't have changed anything.  
  
Severide sighed. "I know you blame yourself. Hell, you'd blame yourself if… if the sun didn't rise!" he exclaimed earning a looking of incredulity from Casey, "I just mean don't be so hard yourself, you're not to blame for _any_ of this!"

"I could have…" Casey began.

Severide cut him off, "No you couldn't have. You did everything you could and deep down in that stubborn head of yours you know that. Tell me about the nightmares? What just happened?"

"It's just memories," Casey replied with a small shrug, "It's not nightmare stuff like monsters and falling and stuff… actually that'd be preferable compared to my dreams… because they're not made up. They're real, they happened and it's like it's happening all over again." He sighed and turned his head away.

"You went through hell but…" Severide began.

"But I survived and all of that crap," Casey said bluntly

"I'm sorry Case, I never know what to say," Severide stated honestly.

He sighed, "Me neither."

"What happened tonight? What memory was it?" Severide urged.

"My arms," he replied nearly inaudibly.

"Go on," Severide said gently, "I want to know."

Casey lay and thought for a moment before replying. "Did you know that you don't last very long when you're hung up by your wrists? I didn't know. In movies, on TV, they're always hanging people up for hours but when your arms are pulled up and back you don't get enough oxygen, I could barely take… you can't breathe and you can barely feel your arms, I couldn't feel my…" he paused and took a breath, "Your hands go numb…"

"And your wrists were dislocated?"

Casey shook his head, "No… it felt like my shoulders were being pulled apart and it felt like my arms would snap but no that's not exactly how it happened."

"How did it happen?" Severide asked cautiously when Casey didn't continue.

After a few moments Casey replied quietly, "I can remember the sound… I can still hear it now, I can… I can feel it now like it's happening over again. Nothing's ever going to stop it."

"What did they do?" Severide questioned cautiously.

Casey closed his eyes. "I was on a chair or something. It was nice..." he scoffed, "It was taking the pressure off my arms. I couldn't tell them anything, I didn't have any of the answers they wanted. The chair went, I thought I was going to fall to the floor but I didn't."

"I'm sorry," Severide didn't know what else to say, how else could he comfort him when he could still remember the sound of his own wrists dislocating and snapping as one broke.

"It's ok… I mean, telling you _is_ ok, I don't feel any worse," Casey stated, "But it's still in my head, telling you hasn't made me forgot or made me 'process it' or whatever… I can only see one way to stop this…"

"You know that's not how…" Severide began with concern.

"Right now it is but I'm not going to," Casey replied evenly.

"Why not?" Severide needed to know, he needed to be reassured that Casey wasn't going to do something stupid.

"Because I know this will get better…" he said hesitantly, "Even though it doesn't feel like it right now. But I trust you and I want to believe what you say it's just…"

"… Difficult right now, I get it," Severide smiled. When it was clear Casey was going to say nothing more Severide asked, "Do you want something to help sleep?"

"You're like a pharmacist with all those pills," Casey grinned tiredly, "But I'm good, I can sleep. Thank you."

Casey woke up early in the morning to discover Severide fast asleep by his side, he saw the paperback Harry Potter book had fallen to rest between the two of them. He felt a stab of guilt at everything Severide was doing for him right now; why couldn't he just handle it all on his own?

As Casey struggled to get up from under the covers, hindered once again by his un-cooperating leg, he heard Severide wake and mutter, "Your mattress is comfy."

"I'll make breakfast," Casey stated as he moved from the bed to the chair, "Well, I'll get out the cereal and milk and put it on the table."

"I can cook breakfast?" Severide suggested tiredly, turning over in the bed.

"Nah you do enough," he replied.

Severide sat in opposite Casey and watched him swirl his spoon around the softening bowl of cereal. Something was troubling him and it wasn't just the nightmares and flashbacks, he'd been short with him since he'd woken up. "What's…" he began but he barely got the word out as Casey interrupted him.

"Look, thanks for last night," he said hastily, "But you really don't need to help again. I should have just been on my own. Lawson gave me this thing to do so I'm ok on my own now. You don't need to help me."

"I'm sure that's just for when I'm not here," Severide smiled, "If I'm here then I'm not going to just let you deal with anything on your own."

"You're always here when you're not on shift. You shouldn't be," Casey stated.

"It's my apartment as much as yours," he said.

"You know what I mean, you hardly ever used to spend time here, you've not been out since…"

He'd not been out since the time he came back and discovered Casey in the bathroom with a nearly full bottle of painkillers. "I've not been out because I want to be here. Don't push me away Casey," he warned.

Casey shook his head, he wanted to be on his own right now but he had nowhere to go, he pushed his chair away from the table. Severide watched as Casey left, leaving a full bowl of cereal behind, he sighed and began to finish his own breakfast when he heard a thud from the lounge. He dropped his spoon in the bowl, sending a splatter of milk across the table, as he stood up and shot towards Casey who was sat dazed on the floor between the coffee table and the sofa.

"I'm fine," Casey stated stiffly when he realised Severide had approached him.

"You're fine? Why did you fall?" Severide asked, but he knew the answer. Casey was losing weight every day, he was barely eating and barely sleeping, he couldn't survive like this. When Casey didn't say anything Severide slid down to the floor and joined him. "Are you trying not to eat? Is it about control?" Casey shook his head, "You're just _not_ hungry? I know you understand that you need to eat because you are, it's just not enough…"

"I don't deserve it," Casey said quietly.

"You don't deserve it?" Severide frowned, "Did they tell you that?"  
  
Casey shook his head.  
  
"You don't think you deserve it? Criminals in jail get food," Severide stated, "Why don't you deserve it?"

"It was my fault, I made so many mistakes; I don't deserve to be here," Casey explained.

Severides heart sank, "You said you don't want to kill yourself but you are because you're not eating."

"I'm not suicidal," he replied.

"You deserve to eat and get better. You don't deserve what happened to you, you did nothing wrong," Severide tried to reassure him.

Casey sighed "I'm sorry I think like that."

"You're already so much better than this time last week, you may not believe me but you are and next week you'll…" Severide began.

Casey looked at him for the first time since he'd joined him on the floor, "Wonder why we ever had this conversation?"

"See, there's that positive attitude," Severide smiled. "Right. let's get up off the floor, do you want a day on the couch or do you want to go out?" he asked as he gave Casey a hand getting up onto the sofa.

"I don't want to go out," Casey replied honestly.

"Ok." Severide knew that was going to his answer, they'd had a busy day looking at apartments the previous day and he'd had an emotionally night. "I don't want to keep bringing it up but we need figure out this eating thing, will you talk to Lawson about it? See what he suggests. Or I could call him?"

"I'll talk to him," Casey replied.

_Therapy Room_

About forty-eight hours later Casey was sat in Lawson's office, he'd thought about ignoring the subject altogether but he didn't want to disappoint Severide, he sat fiddling with the tassels that belonged to one of the cushions on the sofa.

"Something's on your mind?" Lawson queried.

Casey sighed and decided to just say it out loud, "I'm not eating."

_Waiting Room_

Severide sat flipping through a daily newspaper when Casey exited Lawson's office; he smiled warmly and said, "Let's go get that cast off then!"

After he left Casey in the procedure room to have his cast removed Severide went back to spoke to Lawson, "If he gets worse what will happen?"

"We'll have to hospitalise him again but I don't want to do that, the lack of control won't do his mental health any good," Lawson replied softly.

Severide sighed, "Do you think he'll get worse?"

"I've prescribed a higher dosage Zoloft, I do believe it's started to work, he's said there's less intrusive thoughts and he's able to see through the flashbacks a little easier. Whilst this continues to improve so should his eating and sleeping," Lawson explained and Severide wasn't sure if he found this comforting; there was progress but it was small. "How are you doing?" he asked sincerely.

"My best friend went through hell and he's _still_ going through hell and I don't feel like I'm helping," Severide admitted.


	20. Crutches

_Procedure Room_

"You doing ok there Matt? It won't hurt," the nurse spoke, noticing how Casey looking away.  
  
Casey nodded and didn't say a word.  
  
"Bet you'll be happy to start using crutches soon," she said amiably. She knew all about his situation, all the staff treating him did so they could be as cautious as possible.  
  
Ordinarily a cast removal would be done in one of several small rooms and unknown to Casey he was getting special treatment being seen in one the large bright procedure rooms. Severide had tried to stay with him but Casey had insisted he would be fine, he knew Severide really wanted to speak with Lawson which he wasn't at all bothered about.  
  
Casey busied himself by counting the tiles on the wall until the nurse spoke again, "There we go, all done. Can you squeeze your hand and make a fist?"  
  
He did.  
  
"Good, no pain?" she asked.  
  
He shook his head and she continued to instruct him before moving on to his right wrist where he did the same exercises after she'd removed the brace.    
  
"That's really good Matt, you have a PT session this week and she'll let you know when you get your crutches but I can't imagine it will be too long now," she smiled warmly.

 _Apartment_  
  
Severide watched from the corner of his eye as Casey gazed down at his wrists. The right one was scarred and probably always would be, the scar on the left was already fading. His wrists were thin, almost delicate looking, the bone jutted out where the joints met his hands. Severide smiled sympathetically. "You know Shay got me this oil stuff once, it's supposed to be really good at reducing scars, I never ended up using it, I'll have a look for it," he said carefully, "Does seeing them trigger memories?"

Casey looked up from his wrists to Severide's concerned face. He shook his head. "No," he replied. "I did think it would… Lawson thinks the pills are starting to work. I don't feel so anxious all the time. He has upped the dosage though," he explained, unsure what Severide and Lawson had discussed together.

"He told me," Severide admitted.

Casey looked back down at his bony wrists and sighed dejectedly, "Did he tell if I keep losing weight they'll have to admit me?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

"It's bad, isn't it?" Casey kept his eyes averted, worried he'd burst into tears once more, "I don't think I'm doing it on purpose but what if I am?"

Severide asked, "Did you tell Lawson why? You told me you didn't deserve to eat." Casey nodded, "And does he think you're doing it on purpose?"

"No, it's just my head being all fucked up. No wonder Gabby left."

Severide sighed. Casey hadn't brought up the Dawson situation since the relationship was officially over. "I think all of this just gave her a final excuse; I don't think it's why she left," he hesitated, unsure whether to continue. "I think… I think she loved trying to get you and I think when she realised your relationship was going to get in the way of her career she decided she didn't love you as much as she loved her self… which must be a pretty odd concept for you 'Mr Selfless'," he smiled.

"I must be an idiot for not ending it," Casey said.

"No you guys did seem pretty perfect to start with," Severide reassured him, "But hey, when you're up for it we're gonna go for one hell of a night out and get all the ladies," he grinned.

"Yeah 'cause I look so good right now," he sighed dismally.

"Once you put some weight on you know you'll look much better," Severide replied.

"That's not gonna hide all the scars," he stated.

"No it won't," Severide agreed, "But I'm going to dig that oil stuff out and hopefully they'll be less visible so you won't be so self-conscious of them, and besides, everyone loves a bad boy," he teased, trying to reassure him. Casey had never been vein but Severide knew he didn't like to stand out.  
_  
__Therapy Room_

Four days later Casey was sitting in Lawson's office. It had been a busy few days. "How's the new apartment?" Lawson asked. It had taken the whole of yesterday for Severide and Boden to move their possessions into their new place.

"First night there yesterday," Casey replied.

"How was it?" the doctor asked.

"Did I wake up in the night?" Casey raised an eyebrow, changing Lawson's question. "Yes. But I didn't think that would change. It is nice though, we're even closer to the firehouse and I don't look at the place and see what happened," he explained. "I'm still sleeping with the light on though," he admitted miserably.

"There's no rule saying you can't sleep with light on, is there?" Lawson questioned.

"No," he frowned, "It is a little weird though having to have the TV and lights on to help me sleep, to help me figure out where I am when I wake up."

"You have the TV on?" Lawson asked and Casey realised he'd probably never mentioned it before.

"The distraction helps," he admitted, a little embarrassed.

"That's good," Lawson replied.

"It is?" he was actually shocked the doctor thought so as he didn't think it was a normal thing to do.

The doctor smiled. "Yes. You've found a way to help ground yourself without my help, or Kelly's," he explained, "How about going out?"

Casey's smile faded and he shook his head. "I can't," he admitted, "Well, we do go to the lake when it's quiet and we have been going to this café most days I'm at the hospital. It's small and quiet."

"If you're doing that then it doesn't seem like you can't go out," Lawson replied gently.

He shook his head again, "Severide's doing everything. He even went got me some new clothes so I'm not just stuck in the same two pairs of joggers. He went out and got loads of special food as well. He's doing everything because I can't."

"Special food?" the doctor asked.

"He's got these high energy bars and shakes and stuff," Casey explained.

"And you're eating them?" Lawson asked.

He nodded, "Yeah." Shrugging he continued, "Didn't want to get stuck here… and everyone was worrying so much and I don't want that." He didn't quite admit he was eating out of guilt, he'd made everyone worry and Severide was constantly going out of his way to help him and he hated the thought that he was a burden.

"Everyone?" Lawson wondered.

"Well just Severide I think, no one else has really seen me," he admitted, "I'm gonna owe him big time after all this is over." Casey frowned, "You're smiling a lot today," he stated as he glanced at Lawson.

"Because you are," Lawson replied.

"Oh... I am good," he nodded, "I am until something happens and nothing's happened so far today."

"That's brilliant Matt, really," Lawson smiled, "You had physical therapy this morning? That doesn't normally put you in a good mood."

"I get crutches next week," he explained.

"Ah I see! More freedom," Lawson replied.

"Maybe, I'll probably be terrible at using them," he grinned.

"No, you'll get the hang of them quickly, I'm sure," Lawson reassured him and when Casey said nothing else he asked, "So has everything been positive in the last few days?"

"No," he forced a smile, "But I'm better… not better but... you know what I mean."

"How do you see the future now?" Lawson asked.

He wasn't expecting that question. "Erm... I don't know," he replied honestly.

"How do you feel about work?" the doctor urged.

Casey looked down his right leg, "No one's a hundred percent sure that my leg will be ok; I don't want to get my hopes up."

"I thought it was likely you were going regain full function?" Lawson questioned, he had of course seen Casey's medical record and conferred with his other doctors.

"After rehab, maybe," he replied uncertainly.

Lawson frowned, "Do you want your leg to be an excuse not to go back to work? Everyone would understand if you didn't want to go back even if you're leg healed perfectly."

"I want to go back," Casey stated and then he sighed, admitting the truth, "I want to _want_ to go back but right now I still don't see how that could happen."

"Because of all your triggers?" Lawson asked and Casey nodded, "But you're already getting better at coping with them, you admitted that earlier."

"I'd be a liability, they wouldn't let me work. Can I even take those pills you gave me at work?" Casey wondered out loud.

"Hundreds of people take SSRIs every day. They won't stop you from working. You may have to be on them for a long time. They are helping you and they will help you at work when you go back because really you do want to go back, get your life back," Lawson explained.

"Yeah," Casey nodded, "I do."

 _Café_  
  
One week later Casey was sitting a a small table in the café as Severide ordered their drinks. At the hospital he had been given his crutches, they'd spent half an hour in the physio room getting used to them before he had permission to finally say goodbye to the wheelchair for good. He'd been given forearm crutches which needed slightly more core body strength but in the long wrong there would be less stress on his recently healed wrists. It had been an exhausting process and they'd decided to put support wraps on his wrists so he didn't strain them, they were still weak but had improved immensely along with his core upper body strength over the last week as Casey determinedly completely all the exercises he was given every day. In truth they helped to distract him from his thoughts.

Severide kept glancing over at Casey who was glancing around the café on high alert since he was sitting on his own. "Can I get two hot chocolates, one with as much cream and marshmallows as possible please," he grinned at the waitress behind the kiosk. There was a clatter of noise and he spun round to see a woman virtually sitting on Casey's lap.

"I'm so sorry..." they both said in unison.

"No, no it's my fault; I left them in the way," Casey indicated the crutches.

"Oh God, I've not hurt you have I?" she asked, full of concern.

"No, I'm fine," he stated as she stood up.

"You're shaking?" she queried gently.

"Oh, no, I am fine," he insisted as he unconsciously rubbed the top of his hand.

Severide listened in to their conversation as he waited for their drinks and walked back to the table with them. "Hi..." he said as he sat down next to Casey. "Kelly," he introduced and Casey shot him a questioning look.

"Rosa," she replied, beaming.

Casey sat in silence looking up at her when he felt Severide knock his left leg. "Erm... Casey, I mean, Matt," he fumbled.

She laughed. "Hi Matt," she smiled at him. "I better go, my sister's waiting," she indicated to another table a few metres away.

A short while later Severide laughed aloud, he had finished his drink and Casey was still making his way through his. "What?" Casey frowned.

"It's very cute," Severide stated.

"What is?" he questioned.

Grinning Severide replied, "You two."

"What?" he asked still frowning.

"You keep glancing over at each other," Severide observed.

"No we don't," he stated, pulling a face.

"You like her," Severide smirked.

"I've barely spoken to her," he objected.

"You think she's pretty," Severide smiled.

"Of course I do, I'm not blind," he sighed and tried to hold back a smile, he could already feel the blood rushing to his cheeks at Severides insinuation.

Severide grinned, "She fell on you. It's a sign."

"It's a sign?" he repeating, mocking.

"Yeah," Severide replied simply, "Go ask for her number; she can't say no not when you hobble over there with your crutches."

"I'm not using them to get…" Casey began.

"I _so_ would, in fact I think I should borrow them and take them for a night out," Severide grinned.

Just then Rosa and her sister walked passed, she stopped in front of him. "I won't fall on you this time, I promise," she smiled and sincerely she added, "I am really sorry, Matt, here," she placed a napkin on the table in front of him and left without another word. Casey looked down to see a phone number that had been scribbled down in haste.


	21. Pain

_Apartment_

Getting about the apartment on crutches was exhausting. His care team and Severide would tell Casey it was because he still wasn't eating enough but he just put it down to the fact that he was now weak and didn't feel like he'd ever be as strong as he once was. He'd fallen asleep on the couch not long after Severide had left for his shift and had then woken up in a state, he couldn't remember what he had dreamed of and he was thankful but the anxiousness it had brought about did not abate. He remained on the couch for rest of the day and night, he didn't eat and barely sipped at the glass of orange juice that Severide had given him at breakfast time.

Severide walked into the apartment with a bag of groceries, he'd not had chance to do a big shop for a while and ended up topping up their cupboards most mornings after shift. The place was a mess of unpacked boxes and the heating was turned up high. Severide knew he'd end up sitting around in just a t-shirt whilst Casey would still be wearing a hoody with blanket over his lap. He expected Casey to still be in his room, sleeping late as he had most likely woken in the middle of the night and despite telling to call him whatever the time was he never did. He was surprised to find him sat up on the couch. After he putting the shopping down he looked at Casey and realised why he was not in his room; the circles under Casey's eyes were even darker than before and the glass he had given him more than twenty four hours ago was in front of him in the coffee table.

"Hey," he greeted him.  
  
Casey was slow to respond, if looking up from the floor to Severide and back again could be called response.   
  
"You had breakfast?" Severide asked although he even doubted he'd eaten anything at all yesterday never mind this morning.

"Yeah," Casey muttered. Severide didn't call him out on the lie and decided to leave him be for a while as he put the shopping away and confirmed his theory when he opened to cupboards and fridge to see the same amount of food as he had before he'd left for work. He sighed and glanced worryingly over to Casey. The TV was on but he wasn't watching it, he was still gazing down at the floor with a blank expression across his pale face. He'd been doing so well but now he seemed to be back at square one and the worst part about it was that he didn't know what had gone wrong.

"You call that girl?" Severide called from the kitchen hoping to get a bit more life out his friend.

"What girl?" he barely heard Casey reply.

"That gorgeous blonde who fell on your lap two days ago?" Severide said as he walked over and joined Casey on the sofa.

"Oh, no," Casey replied despondently.

"You should," Severide suggested.   
  
Casey just shrugged non-committedly in response.  
  
"Thought we could just spend the day in, unpack some more of these boxes. It's raining so bad outside, some storm is coming over from somewhere," he explained, "Unless you wanna go out?"

"I don't," Casey said quietly.   
  
Before Severide got up from the couch he placed a gentle reassuring hand onto Casey's shoulder, he ignored him flinching and went to tackle some of the unpacked boxes.

By the time Severide gave up with unpacking it was the middle of the afternoon, he'd skipped lunch and he'd not seen Casey move from the sofa all day. He collapsed heavily down onto the couch, "I need some fresh air. Who knew how tiring it was just moving things around!"

"Doesn't help that you're having to unpack my stuff too," Casey replied glumly.

"Nah, I don't mind. I get to nosey through all you things," he smiled. He felt pangs of hunger and looked down at his wristwatch, "Missed lunch, no wonder I'm starving; what d'ya want?"

"I'm not hungry," Casey replied; Severide would have bet on that answer.

"Case…" Severide sighed, "What's happened? I left for shift and you seemed ok and now…"

"I am ok," he objected.

"You're ok?" Severide repeated with disbelief, "I don't think you've eaten anything for more than twenty-four hours… actually it must be nearly forty-eight hours now."   
  
Casey winced at his raised voice.  
  
Severide took a deep breath to calm down, knowing yelling was not the way forward. "Did they do something with food?" he asked trying to understand.

"What?" Casey asked with confusion evident in his tone.

"Nesbitt and his guys did they force you to eat something or something else to do with food?" Severide clarified.

He shook his head. "No… I wanted to ask, I was hungry, but I didn't," he admitted shamefully.

"But they gave you water?" Severide wondered.

"Most the time," Casey replied.

"Most the time?" Severide repeated worriedly.

"I…" Casey hesitated, "I asked for some, I was desperate," he spoke slowly and averted his eyes away, "But they gave me vodka, I think, it… after that everything really started to fall apart, I couldn't tell if they were with me or not, there was no way I was getting out of there, I could barely remember my own name never mind answer their questions so they…"

"There were track marks," Severide said openly. "What did they give you?" he urged, the only good thing about Caseys current lethargic state was his lack of control and willingness to talk.

"Morphine," he replied evenly, "And lots of it." He frowned, thinking, "I didn't understand why at first… but then… I've never been in so much pain." He was breathing heavily now, tears threatened to fall. He could still feel the agony shooting up and down his body like bolts of lightning.

"You're shaking," Severide stated and he looked down at his hands to see them trembling.

"It's still in my head," Casey said as he tried to regain control of his breathing, it felt like he could barely get any air.

"I thought the pills were helping?" Severide asked.

"They are," he replied and Severide frowned, "This is different. I can just feel it."

"What can I do?" Severide urged, he didn't understand but he wanted to help, but Casey just shook his head as the tears continued to fall. Slowly Severide moved to take both Casey's hands in his, he didn't know what else to do and he didn't want to startle him. Casey felt Severides warm hands on his cold ones, they were rubbing small circles on the back of them soothingly. "You're ok; you're not in pain," Severide spoke.

Casey nodded, "I'm ok." His breathing started to slow down. "I'm ok, I'm ok…" he repeated to himself. "I can't keep doing this," he said once he'd stopped trembling, "I can't do it anymore Kelly."

"You're just having a bad day, that's all. Remember all the good days you've had; you were a natural when you got your crutches. I won't lie I was expecting you to fall on your ass but no you picked it up straight away and then went on to get someone's number," he smiled. "This is just a bad day," he tried to reassure him.

"I just want it to end," Casey muttered.

"I can't promise you when that will happen or even if it will happen, we're just gonna take it day by day; hour by hour if we need to," he replied gently. "You know," he sighed, "When I don't eat I feel like crap…"

"Please don't make me eat," Casey pleaded.

"Not eating isn't going to end this," Severide said softly, "In fact it's doing the opposite." Casey looked away shamefully and Severides heart sank, "You said you didn't want to kill yourself?"

Casey frowned but still kept looking away from his friend, "Maybe I just said that to stop you from worrying… I'm a burden…"

"No, no, don't think like that. If this situation were reversed would you see me as a burden?" Severide asked urgently and Casey shook his head. "And I know you meant it when you said you didn't want to kill yourself because I know you don't want to die Casey! If you did you wouldn't have fought so hard to survive! That positive attitude you had the other day; that wasn't a lie, it wasn't some façade you put up, it was real, you and I both know it was."

Casey shook his head, "I didn't try to survive. I just _did_ and I wish I hadn't."

Severide felt a tear run down his face but he didn't say anything, he had no words to comfort Casey because he couldn't comprehend how he was feeling, how confusing and scary everything seemed, how his mood seemed to flip from good to bad instantly with no warning, how he was constantly battling his own memories and thoughts.

After a long moment's silence Severide asked, "Do you want to hurt yourself?"

Slowly Casey nodded, "Don't they say that new pain distracts you from old pain?"

Severide could suddenly understand one of the reasons he wasn't eating; it was distracting him from the pain he was in. However he remembered weeks ago Casey had tried something similar. "In the hospital when you refused your meds you said it didn't work; you were still in pain."

"I just want it to stop," Casey admitted miserably, "You're going to take me to the hospital, aren't you?"

"I think at very least you need see Lawson sooner than your next appointment," Severide explained, "I'll call his office tomorrow. We can see him together if you want. I'm going to call your doctor too because we've not even managed to maintain your weight right now, ok?" Severide said, careful not to use an accusatory 'your.'

"I said I was coping last time," he replied dejectedly.

"And you are; this is just a bad day," Severide reassured him, "Now will have something eat? For me? To stop me worrying that you're just going to disappear," he asked gently. Severide didn't want to bribe him but if it was the only way he was going to get any food down Casey he had to do it.

"Ok," Casey replied quietly.

Severide brought a small bowl of soup, some toast and high calorie food bar. He watched from the corner of his eye as Casey slowly and shakily brought the spoon up to his mouth and ate the soup, he left the toast and food bar. "You should at least have this if you don't want the toast," Severide stated as he picked up the silver covered food bar from the coffee table ready to pass it to him.

He shook his head, "I don't need that, they're for people doing marathons, mountaineering and stuff..."

"You _do_ need it," Severide countered.

"Well I don't want it. I'm going to bed," he stated. Severide just watched as he fumbled with his crutches and got up off the couch before slowly making his way to his room.

 _The door slammed open, "Get up Matt, we've got a guest!"_  
  
His head was pounding fiercely from the forced alcohol and lack of food; even if he wanted to he couldn't move.  
  
"I said get up!" the voice yelled viciously.  
  
Suddenly he was pulled to his knees, he was still squinting against the light that shone into the room from the door but he saw someone dragged to their knees in front of him  
  
"Blindfold them," the voice commanded.

_"No," Casey uttered and a fist slammed into the side of his face making the world even dizzier as something was placed over his eyes and fastened tightly._

_"We've given you so many chances to tell the truth Matt," the man drolled, "Now your roommate gets to suffer."_

_"Kelly?" Casey called suddenly out in panic._

_"Gag him," the man ordered._

_"No don't," Casey pleaded, "Kelly?"_  
  
He tried to double over in pain as foot slammed into his chest but the hands that were holding him up were strong.

_"The only thing I want to hear coming for your mouth is the truth, anything else and I won't be hurting you I'll be hurting your friend here," the man said maliciously._

_"Please…" he began in panic but he stopped himself as soon as he heard a grunt of pain come from in front of him._

_He could feel the man's breath on his cheek as he spoke evenly, "The truth Matt. Where is the notebook?"_

_"I don't know, please, she didn't tell me," he replied quickly only to hear another grunt of pain, "I'd tell you if I knew. I'm not lying," he voice cracked._

_"Tell me where it is!" the man yelled._

_"I don't know!" he tried to yell back but barely managed to raise his voice. There was another grunt of pain._

_"It's not just your life at stake here Matt," the man spoke calmly; his sudden anger had been dismissed._

_"I don't know where it is," he repeated._  
  
There was another grunt of pain and he could feel his tears wetting the blindfold around his eyes.

_"Do you think I'm bluffing? I won't hesitate to kill either one of you!" the man threatened._

_"Like Katya?" he blurted out. "You shouldn't have killed her. I don't know anything else," he said trying to keep his voice from quivering in panic._  
  
Something slammed into his side and the strong hands holding him let go. The door slammed shut.   
  
"Kelly?" he called out into the darkness, "Sev? I'm sorry, are you ok? Sev?" he heard nothing and slowly brought his painful hands up to his face to pull off the blind fold.

Severide woke up, he glanced over to see the time and realised something was terribly wrong. The red light that usually emanated from his digital alarm clock was non-existent, there was no light coming through the cracks in his bedroom door and the whole apartment seemed way too silent. He couldn't hear Casey's TV or the hum of the refrigerator. It was definitely too quiet. He scrambled around for his phone and turned the torch on. He looked through his curtains to see the street lights off and the rain still hammering down; the power was out. His heart sank when he realised Casey's room would have also been plunged into darkness.

He edged over to Casey's room and as he got closer he could hear quiet whimpering, he opened the door and shined the light into the room.  
  
"Oh God."


	22. Panic

_Apartment_

Severide made his way into the bedroom. Casey was clawing frantically at his own face.   
  
"God Case…" he muttered.   
  
He tried not to shine the bright torchlight directly onto Casey's face but worryingly all he could see was blood. Casey's breaths were coming short and fast.  
  
"Case… Matt… put your hands down so I can see."   
  
But Casey didn't know he was there, he didn't even know he was in his own bedroom.  
  
"Casey please stop," Severide pleaded. "Shit…" he uttered when Casey still didn't respond and move his hands away from his face.   
  
He did the only thing he could think of to stop Casey from tearing his own eyes out; he leant over him and grabbed both his wrists, forcefully pulling them away from his face. Casey tried to pull back but he didn't have the strength, his own body was trembling violently and he struggled for breath.  
  
"Casey we're at home, you're in your room, the power's gone out, you're ok, you're ok," Severide repeated calmly, trying not to worry about all the blood on Casey's hands and face, as he carefully held onto his wrists.

"I... I can't... I can't breathe..." Casey stuttered.

"You are breathing," Severide reassured him.

"I couldn't see," he trembled.

"The power's out," Severide explained.

"No, something was on my eyes," Casey slurred wearily, and Severide understood why he had been frantically scratching at his eyes and face when he'd entered the room.

"There's nothing there, you're ok now," Severide said reassuringly.

"It hurts," he whimpered.

Severide gently let go of his wrists, semi satisfied that Casey wouldn't keep trying to gauge at his own eyes. He grabbed Casey's phone and switched the torch on and left it on the bedside table as he used his own phone to get a better look at the damage Casey had done to himself. He let out a breath, worried, he couldn't tell if he'd done any serious damage. Both of Casey's eyes were blood shot and he'd scratched himself so hard around them that some of the marks were still bleeding. "Shit Casey," he exclaimed, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," Casey muttered.

"No it's not you. I just don't know if you've done something serious," he admitted, "Can you see?"

"Yes," Casey answered meekly.

Severide frowned, "Like normal?"

"No..." he admitted shakily.

"Blurry?" Severide asked and he got a nod in response, "Ok I could call Brett, get her to come over, see if you need to see a doctor or we can just go to the ER now?" Casey just shook his head, "It's one or the other, there's no third option here."

"I'll have to stay," Casey muttered, his lip quivering.

"What?" he asked in confusion.

"They'll make me stay. I hurt myself," Casey sobbed.

Severide took placed his hands on Casey's upper arms and rubbed reassuringly, "No, no, no you won't, I promise. I promise. It was just an accident."

"I'm sorry," he muttered again.

"It's ok, it's fine. It was an accident. Let's get up and grab your coat and get you into the car, we'll turn the heating right up, put the radio on, it'll be fine."   
  
Severide soon helped Casey up and let him put most his weight on him, which was extremely little, as they left the apartment and made their way to the hospital.

_Emergency Room_

Casey had said nothing since they'd left his bedroom, he was still trembling and Severide was sure it was mixture of both apprehension and the cold temperature. He spoke to the ER receptionist and grabbed a wheelchair from the entrance since they'd left the house without the crutches since Casey wasn't in a state to use them. They sat together in the busy and loud waiting room, Severide kept his left arm on top of Casey's right comfortingly, he wanted reassure him that despite all the noise and chaos everything was ok.   
  
Suddenly he spotted someone as they walked past and called out, "Kendra!"

She stopped in her tracks, recognising the voice, and turned to see Severide sat in the waiting room next to someone who could only be Lieutenant Casey with his blond hair sat in a wheelchair next to him, he was looking down and concentrating on the floor. "Kelly?" she queried, wondering what had happened. She had been in the ER weeks ago when Casey had been brought in after being missing for nine days; he'd been barely recognisable then and didn't look any better now. Severide didn't need to say anything, he just looked at her with concern before she said, "Let's get you through to a room, out of all the noise. We can't see you yet, we're really busy but I'll make sure it's not too long."

Now sat in a small cubicle Severide spoke, "This is better isn't it?"   
  
Casey was still trembling  
  
"Does it still hurt?" he asked gently.

Casey shook his head. "A little, not really," he admitted quietly, "We shouldn't be here… not  an emergency now…"

"I just want someone to check you out, all right?" Severide explained.  
  
It had been an emergency an hour ago when he'd discovered Casey frantically clawing at his own face, the image kept playing back in his mind and he felt sick, sick at what Nesbitt and his men had caused Casey to deal with, what they put him through.  
  
"Why don't you sit on the bed, I'll give you a hand," Severide suggested before he helped Casey up on to the bed, the blood on Casey's hands had mostly dried but still left a few smears on the white sheets and it was only now Severide realised there was blood on his own hands and shirt. "You're freezing. Should have worn more layers," he smiled, trying to make conversation, he knew it wasn't easy for Casey to be out of the house especially somewhere he really didn't want to be, more so now than usual as his nightmares always left him raw and vulnerable. He sighed, he wanted Casey to at least try and engage with him, "Do you think the power's out because of an accident or the storm?"   
  
Casey shrugged and remained looking down at his bloody hands.  
  
"Hopefully they're fixing it now; I don't fancy having a cold shower tomorrow." After a few moments of silence he asked, "Do you want a drink or anything?"  
  
Casey shook his head.  
  
"Do you want me to shut up?" he smiled.   
  
Casey shook his head again.   
  
"Ok. Is your vision still blurry?"

"No," Casey replied quietly.

"That's good," he replied and carefully he asked, "Did you have a flashback?"

Slowly Casey nodded and replied quietly, "Yeah."

"Tell me what happened," he urged.

"I just couldn't see anything, I couldn't see you," Casey frowned, thinking how mad he must sound.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"They… they blindfolded me so I couldn't see you," Casey explained quietly.

"Oh..." Severide breathed as he remembered one of the first things Casey had told them; he thought they'd killed him. Casey must have thought he was still in the room trying to get the blindfold off when he'd woken up in his dark bedroom.

"I didn't know where I was," Casey muttered, "I'm sorry."

Before Severide had a chance to say anything more Kendra walked into the cubicle followed by another doctor he recognised as Doctor Williams, they were acquainted through work and he'd spoken to the man a few times at Molly's.

"Lieutenants," Williams greeted formally. "Thanks Kendra," he dismissed her and Severide mouthed a 'thank you' in appreciation, he knew their wait should have been longer.  
  
Casey glanced at the doctor nervously.  
  
"What happened?" Williams asked him.

"It was just an accident. I thought we should get it checked out though, he said his vision was blurry earlier," Severide answered when Casey remained silent and looked back down at his hands.

"Ok," Williams pulled up a stool and sat in front of Casey so they were eye level with each other. "It's Matt isn't it? We've met a few times, mainly when you're helping us extract limbs from all sorts of things," he smiled warmly, he had scanned the notes at the top of Casey's electronic file when Kendra had handed it to him and wanted to ease his anxiousness.

When Casey didn't make any response Severide edged back over to him and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly, he could feel him trembling lightly under his grip. "He's worried he's going to have to stay here," Severide said quietly, he didn't want to speak as if Casey weren't there but he didn't know how else to reassure his friend that he wouldn't have to stay.

"He's right Matt, I'm going check you over now and I'll doubt we'll need keep you here overnight," the doctor explained, "Can you look up at me please? I want to check your eyes."  
  
Slowly Casey lift his head up so he was facing the doctor but he kept his eyes averted.  
  
"Ok I'm just going to use this fancy tool to get a closer look. Keep your head still and look over to Severide for me."   
  
Casey did what he was told.  
  
"Good, over to the left… and up at the ceiling, that's good… look down at the floor… and now look straight at me, good Matt," Williams smiled, "They look good, there's no abrasions. They're bloodshot now because they've been quite irritated but that will go down in the next twelve to twenty four hours."

Severide let out a sigh of relief.

"Now Matt, I'm just going to gently clean around your eyes to get a better look but I don't think you've done any serious damage, your skin will just feel quite tender for the next few days," Williams reassured him before gently cleaning away the blood to see the damage underneath.   
  
Now the blood had been cleaned away Severide felt even more relieved, it didn't look even half as bad anymore.   
  
"Let's clean your hands up and have a look at them, ok Matt?" the doctor stated, "Can you take your coat off for me?"  
  
Slowly Casey did as he was asked before letting Williams clean up his hands; except for some badly broken nails they checked out perfectly.

"Are his wrists ok? I grabbed them pretty hard…" Severide admitted.

After Williams examined both Casey's wrists he stood up. "They're both fine," he smiled down at a weary Casey before looking sombrely at Severide, "Can I have word outside?"

Severide squeezed Casey's arm comfortingly once more before stepping outside the cubicle.

"He's lucky he didn't manage to do any serious damage, if you'd not intervened…" the doctor began gravely.

"He's ok though, isn't he?" Severide questioned.

Williams nodded, "He is. Has this sort of thing happened before?"

"No," he shook his head, "It was just a nightmare. He didn't do it on purpose."

"Just a nightmare?" Williams repeated.

Severide sighed. "They're bad. The stuff they're giving him doesn't seem to be helping with the dreams yet," he admitted.

"He sees Lawson right?" Williams asked, scanning the electronic chart.   
  
Severide nodded.  
  
"His next appointments not for a few days, you should…"

"I'm going to call his office in the morning, need to make an appointment with his doctor too," he said grimly.

"About his weight?" Williams questioned. "We can keep him here if you're really worried about him. He has hurt himself Severide, and he's not in the best state of mind," he said cautiously, "You look exhausted as well."

He shook his head, "He didn't hurt himself on purpose and he's willing to see Lawson and his doctor; it's not like he doesn't want help."

"Ok, well if you are concerned there are places where he'll be looked after, where he can recover," Williams explained.

"He doesn't need that, he's getting better," Severide replied.

_Apartment_

"Nearly there," Severide stated as he helped Casey to his room. The power had not come back on and the whole apartment was bathed in darkness so Severide once again used the torch on his phone to guide their way. Once Casey was on the bed Severide pulled the covers up over him and grabbed the blanket off the floor and paced it on top of the duvet to provide extra warmth.

"Please don't go," Casey muttered barely audibly.

"I'm not going anywhere," he reassured him.   
  
Severide sat down atop of the covers on the left hand side of the bed after picking up a book from the bedside table. He read aloud until Casey fell asleep, he was about to slink off to his own room when he thought it would be better to stay with Casey until the morning sun lit the bedroom. He was just drifting off to sleep when Casey began tossing and turning in his sleep, he was muttering indistinctly.  
  
"Case?" Severide spoke up, wanting to stop the nightmare before it got worse. He realised it was no wonder that Casey always looked exhausted if he never managed to get any proper sleep, if he didn't always wake up from his dreams Severide wouldn't have known how many times his sleep was actually disturbed. Gently he touched his arms and tried to rouse him, "Case?"

Casey took a sharp intake of breath as he woke to someone touching him, he shirked away and blearily looked at the offender in the dimly lit room only to soon realise it was Severide looking across at him with concern.

"You were having a bad dream," Severide stated.

"Sorry," he mumbled, "I'm a mess."

"Want to talk about it?" Severide asked softly.

Casey shook his head, he kept glancing over to the closed bedroom door with a pit of anxiousness growing in his stomach. "They must have thought I was crazy at the hospital," he slurred.

"No," Severide replied. "They've seen worse, Case, don't worry about it. And besides if they thought you were crazy you'd have been admitted," he said lightly.  
  
Casey said no more and Severide watched as his anxiousness seemed to grow each time he looked over to the door.  
  
"Casey? What are you thinking?" but Casey just shook his head in response, "No one's coming through that door. I promise."

"But I can see them," Casey's breath hastened.

Shocked at the statement Severide didn't hold back his concern, "What?" Not knowing what else to do he picked up his phone and shone the torches glare across to the door, "See, there's no one there."

"I know," Casey muttered, "Really, I know that but I can see them… Imagine them… I dunno…" Slowly he turned onto his left side so he was facing away from the door.

"Is there anything I can do? I could try and dig out some candles from one of the boxes to lighten up this room a bit more?" Severide asked.

"I just want to sleep. Want to stop thinking… don't want to dream," he slurred tiredly.

"Come here," Severide suggested and Casey shuffled slightly closer to him. "Just listen to my breathing, you'll soon fall asleep," he spoke softly, "And Case?"

"Mmm?" Casey mumbled.

"Don't tell anyone," he smirked.

"If you don't tell anyone I tried to scratch my own eyes out," Casey slurred, already on his way to sleep.

"Deal," Severide smiled and waited for Casey to drift off to sleep.


	23. Tube

**Tube**

_Apartment_

The next morning Severide was sitting at the dining room table. He'd woken up only a few hours after he'd managed to fall asleep, his sleep had been disturbed and fitful with images of Casey hurting himself and taunts from faceless men. He'd called Lawson's office and Casey's primary physician, Doctor Andrews, and managed to get appointments with them both today. It actually concerned him even more that he'd been able to get same day appointments as it meant they were clearly worried about him too and preferred to see him sooner rather than later. However he was thankful for something; the power was now back on, he had a long warm shower and had drunk almost a whole pot of steaming hot coffee by the time he heard Casey rouse.

"Hey," Severide greeted Casey as he hobbled slowly out of his bedroom without his crutches. He was about admonish him for it when he realised they were still by the sofa so he got up and went over to them but his assistance was brushed off and Casey continued to make his own way to the couch. He'd not showered and was still wearing the same clothes as last night. "Here," Severide said as he placed a glass of water and four pills down on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry about last night," Casey said tiredly before swallowing down the antibiotics and SSRIs, "Bet you wish you had a different roommate, a different friend..."

"No, I wish I could fix all this," Severide sighed as he sat down next to him on the sofa.

"Well as evidenced last night: I am well and truly broken," he shrugged, "No fixing me."

Severide frowned at Casey's apathy, "Do you really believe that?"

"If the CFD sees last night on my medical record they'll never think I'm ready to go back," he explained.

"You're just ill Case, that's all they'll see it as. You're not the only person to ever get PTSD," Severide reassured him.

"Are you ok?" Casey asked after studying him for a moment.

"What? I'm fine," Severide replied quickly.

"Well, you look awful," he stated honestly.

"Thanks..." Severide replied dryly.

"Sorry that I kept you up last night," he muttered.

"When are you going to get it into that stubborn head of yours that I'm here to help, and I'm not letting you do this on your own."

_Procedure Room_

Late that afternoon Severide was sat on a small stool next to Casey who was sat up nervously on the edge on the bed. After a lengthy discussion with his primary physician Casey had willingly agreed for them to insert a nasogastric tube because he wasn't getting enough of the nutrients he needed and was still continuing to drastically lose weight. Severide had been relieved when Casey accepted the doctor's decision because he knew at this stage they would be able to force him to have the tube and the lack of control could have been detrimental to his recovery. They'd brought up his eating issues with Lawson during their therapy session earlier on in the afternoon too, Severide had sat in and felt like he had contributed more to the discussion than Casey actually had but at least he was accepting of all the help he was being given. He wanted to get better, he just didn't believe he could.

Severide knew Casey was worried about the procedure. He'd been there when they'd removed the NG tube during his hospital stay and it was not a pleasant experience. The thin tube was inserted through the nose, down the esophagus and into the stomach so he could be fed intermittently. They'd been given several pamphlets explaining how to feed through the tube and once it was inserted the nurse would show them and answer any questions they had.

"Level me up on this will you?" Severide asked as he passed Casey his phone. "You're better at it than me," he stated with the hope of distracting him for a while whilst they waited.

Ten minutes later a familiar nurse walked into the room, she had a warm friendly face and smiled broadly. "Hi Matt, we'll get this sorted and then you can get out of here, you must be sick of the sight of this hospital at the moment," she greeted him and indicated to the kit lying on top of the tray she was pushing towards the bed.

"Do you want me to go?" Severide asked both Casey and the nurse.

"You're welcome to stay. Matt?" the nurse replied and Casey nodded so Severide stood by his side. "Your doctor's explained the procedure?"   
  
Casey nodded again.  
  
"You'll feel the tube being inserted but I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't hurt," she said reassuringly. She poured a glass of water and began preparing the tube, "Are you guys hockey fans?" she asked amiably.

"Yeah," Severide smiled.

"You see the latest game?" she asked, nearly ready to begin the procedure.  
  
Severide nodded in response.  
  
"Took my son to see it, first time at the stadium; he loved it," she smiled, offering Casey a drink before she began. "Ok Matt, you can just stay where you are but I'm just going lower the bed slightly, it'll feel a little uncomfortable but you can keep sipping on the water." Casey was now semi upright on the bed with his head supported by the pillow. She had marked the measured length she needed and lubricated the first few inches of the tube. "Here we go," she passed the tube through his right nostril, past the pharynx, and into his esophagus, "Can swallow for me please, or you can drink some of the water."   
  
Casey did as he was asked and the nurse advanced the tube down into his stomach, his eyes were watering with the uncomfortableness but Severide was by his side reassuring him. Once she checked the tubes position was correct she secured it with tape so he couldn't accidently pull it out.  
  
"There we go, that wasn't too bad was it?" she smiled.

"You ok buddy?" Severide asked when Casey showed no acknowledgment to the nurse.

Casey nodded slowly, "We're done?"

"Nearly, just need to make sure you know how to use it so we'll give you your first feed through it now. It takes forty-five minutes to an hour, then you can go home," she explained.

"Ok," he replied a little uncertainly.

"It's really easy, you'll get the hang of it straight away," she smiled and began the feeding process whilst explaining it to them. Having read through the pamphlets they'd been given Severide mostly understood the process. "So once you've checked it's not moved insert this…" she showed them the tip of the tube from the food container, "… into your feeding tube." She did as she explained and continued. "Open this clamp slowly and you can adjust the speed it's fed through, but that is it; all done," she smiled. "You need stay sat up like this or at least prop your head up, if anything goes wrong like choking or difficulty breathing stop the feeding by closing the clamp and call the doctor or an ambulance if it's out of hours and they'll tell you what to do. Once it's done you need to flush out the tube with a small amount of water, roll the clamp down and disconnect the food container which you can wash with normal washing up liquid... that probably seems like a lot to take in, do you either of you have any questions?"  
  
They both shook their heads.  
  
"Good, if you do think of anything and it's not in any of the information pamphlets give us a call, I'll leave you two be and be back when this done," she said with a smile before leaving the room.

"You still ok?" Severide asked Casey who had been silent through all of the procedure.

"I'm fine," he replied, "It's a little weird but I'm fine."

Severide smiled, "I'm happy, this was a good decision," he disclosed.

Casey just shrugged, "It would've still happened if I had said no, right?"

"Well,yeah..." he admitted, "But you are skin and bone Matt."

"I know," Casey nodded, "I'm trying."

"I know you are; that's why I am happy."  
 _  
Firehouse_

The next day, just before the start of shift, Severide knocked on Boden's open office door. "Kelly," the chief greeted him, "Come in."

"Morning Chief," Severide said as he walked into the office.

"What can I do for you?" Boden asked with a smile.

"I need to pop home a few times this shift, not for long and I can always meet you at the scene," he asked with a little hesitation, he didn't like to ask for favors.

"Casey?" Boden questioned with concern.

Severide sighed and nodded slowly, "He's not doing so well."  
  
Boden looked at him questioningly, urging him to explain.  
  
"He's lost so much weight since you last saw him. He's being tube fed, that's why I need to go home," he explained somberly.

Boden didn't try to hide the shock from his expression, "Is there anything I can do?"

Severide shook his head. "I don't think so… I dunno," he shrugged, "The doctors thought it was to do with control but he genuinely believes he just doesn't deserve to eat…" he sighed, "He doesn't think he deserved to live."

"The therapy sessions aren't helping?" Boden asked.

"Nothing's helping," Severide responded. "Lawson says they may change his medication if the higher dose of his current one doesn't improve anything," he shook his head scoffed, "The other night in the ER Williams suggested having him admitted, I didn't think it was that bad…"

"The other night in the ER?" Boden interrupted him.

"Oh... just an accident when the power went out," he replied lightly.

Boden frowned, " _Just_ an accident that ended with a visit to the ER?"

"He was fine, it was just me worrying that he'd done more damage," Severide explained.

"He hurt himself?" Boden questioned with concern.

"Yes, but not like that," Severide replied at the insinuation.

"Kelly…" Boden began.

"He's getting better," Severide insisted.

_Apartment_

One week later and Casey did indeed seem to be getting better. Severide had been worried that during one of his nightmares Casey would pull the NG tube out, or even just pull it out on purpose, but he had not. He'd seen Lawson twice since the tube had been inserted. They were working hard his fear of leaving the safety of the apartment, each session Lawson was now suggesting an activity and discussing Casey's thoughts about what would happen if he took part in such activity, afterwards he and Severide would complete the task by doing the activity. They were simple outings like their usual lakeside spot but during a busy period and the grocery store during a quiet period, in his next therapy session he would then discuss how he felt during the activity and if anything he thought would happen took place, his main concern about the lakeside had been people staring at him and asking questions, neither of which happened.

Casey had also begun an intrusion diary, he wrote down his flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares; when they occurred and the trigger if knew what it was. The higher dosage of Zoloft was taking effect. His thoughts were less invasive and disturbing, they weren't always at the forefront of his mind like before and he recovered from the flashbacks much a little quicker but they still left him shuck up for up an hour afterwards but overall his mood had improved. His sleeping pattern was getting better, he still tended to go to bed early and get up late but there were fewer days where he found himself wanting to curl up and sleep through every hour. He also found that he was less anxious on his own in the new apartment but the feeling of panic still gnawed away at him whilst Severide was on shift or running an errand.

The tube feeding was also working well, Casey would eat solid food along with it if Severide insisted but the liquid feed alone had prevented any further weight loss in the last week and his cheeks seemed a little fuller and his eyes a little less sunken. Severide also contributed Casey's improved mood to the increased amount of nutrients he was receiving.

Casey hobbled out of his bedroom on his crutches to find Severide sitting at the dining room table with a bowl of cereal. "Morning," he greeted him with a smile.

"Morning," Severide repeated the cheerful greeting with a small questioning frown.

He pulled out a chair and sat down. "I think I slept through the whole night," he smiled and it wasn't one of his forced smiles, it was a genuine smile that caused his eyes light up and just briefly the darkness behind them seemed to disappear.

Casey's smile was infectious and Severide found himself grinning, "Well in that case I think we should make blueberry pancakes, what do you think?"

"Ok," Casey replied quietly, his smile had gone but he was willing to eat.

"You think we can ask to have this taken out," he asked hopefully after he'd eaten two small blueberry pancakes and Severide began to attach the liquid feed to his NG tube.

Severide was doubtful, Casey still had days where all the nutrients he got were through the tube, but he didn't want to dampen Casey's mood. "No harm in asking," he replied as he undid the clamp for the liquid food to flow through.

"I hate going out with it," Casey stated, unconsciously scratching at his arm. He hated going out with and without the tube but Severide didn't say anything and Casey continued, "It makes me look sick," he scoffed.

"You are sick," Severide said.

"I mean _properly_ sick," Casey explained.

Severide frowned. "Properly sick?" he repeated, "You are."

"It's my messed up head not my body," Casey dismissed him.

"Which is being fixed just like that leg of yours," Severide pointed to Casey immobile right leg.

"Makes it sound easy," he said glumly.

"You slept through the night Case" Severide reminded him with a smile.

Casey smiled, "I did, didn't I?"


	24. Firehouse

_Therapy Room_

Progress was slow, there were no leaps and bounds but long hard steps. Casey secretly longed for the numbness the drugs had provided him when he was first in the hospital. They had not only numbed his pain but his mind also. He had improved but he still felt like he was nearly constantly battling with invasive thoughts and feelings. He felt so weak and useless as he began to put weight on his right leg, it felt like he would never get back to being who he previously was. It was like he was two people. Casey, stoic truck lieutenant who fought his own battles, before he went missing. Now he was just Matt, who needed help with the simplest of tasks because he couldn't eat and didn't want to be left on his own, even though he didn't want anyone to know that so he would end up sitting anxiously waiting for Severides return whenever he was left on his own.

Casey was always exhausted after his physical therapy sessions so he sat miserably in his usual spot on the couch. "Should I just ignore the subject of physical therapy or do you want to talk about…" Lawson was cut off by a glare fired from Casey, his eyes really were dazzling, "Right then, how was the grocery store?"

"Fine," Casey replied simply.

"Are glares and one worded answers all I'm going to get from you today?" the doctor raised an eyebrow questioningly.

Casey sighed, pursed his lips and said, "It was ok."

"Ok is good," Lawson smiled, "Did anything trigger you? You thought someone would drop something and the loud noise would cause a flashback? Did that happen?"

Disgruntledly Casey replied, "No." He knew Lawson was trying to make a point with these tasks he set; that everything he thought would happen was unlikely to actually occur.

"You're looking better because of that," Lawson stated conversationally.

"Ok," Casey replied dismissively.

"Ok?" Lawson repeated.

"Don't look in the mirror," he stated.

"No?" he questioned, making a mental note.  
  
Casey nodded.  
  
"Is that why you hair looks like it defying gravity right now?"  
  
Casey grinned almost sheepishly and shrugged.  
  
"Are you eating along with the tube?"

"Every now and then," he replied honestly.

"How do you feel about gaining weight?" Lawson asked.

"I'm not trying to starve myself," he scorned, "I could pull this out if I was."

"You were starving yourself though, that's why you have the tube," Lawson explained.

Casey didn't reply, he could repeat what he had already said but he didn't bother and just bit his lip anxiously instead. "Do you ever wake up and not remember things?" Casey asked curiously after a few moments.

"Things like?" Lawson wondered.

"Like when Hallie died I would wake up and expect her to be by my side," he explained, "If she wasn't for a few blissful moments I'd imagine she was making coffee or at work… and then it hits you again."

"Does it still happen now?" Lawson asked.

"Less and less as time passed, I kinda like it though," he admitted, "Well... until I remember that it's a lie. Sometimes I wake up and don't remember any of this, Katya, Nesbitt, my leg, all the memories, all my… fears, none of it exists for a few brief moments, even Gabby breaking up me… I must such a terrible boyfriend, fiancé or whatever…."

"Why do you say that?" the doctor questioned.

"My relationship with Hallie wasn't perfect, eight years but probably less because we broke up three times; twice in the last year but we were back together and had a plan and then…" he shook his head, "I don't want to talk about Hallie."

"Gabby? You two aren't…" Lawson began.

"We're officially broken up. Forever," he shrugged, attempting to hide his sadness. "A women gave me her number," he stated to change the subject.

"Oh yeah? When was this?" Lawson smiled.

"A few weeks ago. She tripped on my crutches," he grinned remembering.

"And gave you her number?" Lawson asked, Casey nodded, still smiling, "Have you called her?"

"Oh, no," his smile diminished.

"Why not?" Lawson urged.

"I don't have a great track record for relationships, do I?" he questioned rhetorically. "And besides, Severide says I'm just skin and bones, no one wants that, and I'm covered in scars," he smiled forcefully in an attempt to show indifference.

The doctor frowned, "Do they bother you?"

"I don't look in the mirror," Casey shrugged.

"I don't think they're as bad as you imagine they are."

"I see this one every day," he induced to his right wrist, "And I've seen the state of my leg."

"What's this women's name?" Lawson asked.

"Rosa," Casey supplied.

"Was she pretty?" Lawson smiled.

Casey chuckled a little as he nodded, "Yeah, very."

"She gave you her number," Lawson responded, "I don't think she's bothered about skin and bones and scars."

"Yeah, well, I've got a plastic tube shoved up my nose, it's not exactly an attractive quality… and we'd have nothing to talk about," he replied.

"Why not?" Lawson wondered.

"What am I meant to say to her?" Casey exasperated.

"Ask her what she does for a living, about her family, movies, food, books she likes," Lawson listed, "Just a normal conversation, which you are more than capable of."

"I dunno, I only seem to speak to you and Severide," Casey shrugged

"Well how do you feel about going to the firehouse with Severide? I'm sure everyone's missed you..." Lawson suggested.

"I'm not a miss-able person," Casey scoffed.

"I remember walking past a very full waiting room when your everyone from your house was in their waiting to see if you were going to be ok," he said, "What do you think's going happen if you go the firehouse?"

"Lots of questions," Casey frowned, "Sympathetic glances… I don't have anything to say… I don't want them to feel sorry for me..."

 _Apartment_  
  
At times Severide would find himself watching Casey as his friend stared into the distance, his eyes unseeing at the apartment around him, he hoped they were good thoughts but always knew that was not the case afterwards when Casey looked sorrowfully at him. But he wouldn't say anything; it was really when he was at his lowest that he would let Severide in, in a post nightmare haze or in the moments after a flashback where the whole world was a much more dangerous place.

"I don't want to go to the house tomorrow," Casey stated sullenly.

"I know," Severide sympathised, "But I think it'll be good, bit of normalcy."

Casey nodded, "I guess." After a few moments he sighed. "Gonna need to do something to this hair," he indicated to his messy mop of blond, "And shave."

Severide grinned. "Yeah they'll all think you're turning into me if you don't shave," he mocked.

Soon Casey found himself standing in the bathroom, most his weight was on his left leg as he leaned over the counter and stared at his reflection, the faint lines around his eyes only served to remind him of his nightmare ridden confusion that resulted in a trip to the ER. Lawson had said he was looking better but he couldn't see it, he could see how thin he looked and the dark circles under his eyes would be clear to everyone at the firehouse. He fiddled with the tape that secured the NG tube in place, he felt disgusted with himself for letting himself become so weak and dependent. A tear slowly made its way down his cheek and he bit his lip; he looked awful, there was no way he could go to the firehouse like this.

"Case?" Severide knocked gently on the bathroom door.

Casey took a deep breath, calming himself, before replying, "Yeah?"

"Let me give you hand," Severide stated.

"Ok," he nodded so Severide entered and helped Casey tame his hair and shave.

"I have some make up you can use in the morning," Severide suggested.

Casey frowned, half bemused and half concerned, "Make up?"

"Shay," he smiled. "Help you look less tired," he explained.

_Firehouse_

Casey felt physically sick as soon as he'd woken up and remembered what was happening today and the feeling hadn't dissipated now that he was getting out of the car at the firehouse. He was more nervous now than his first day working here **.**

Boden was stood alone on the apparatus floor, "Casey," he greeted warmly as the truck lieutenant hobbled in with Severide by his side.

"Chief," Casey smiled.

"Everyone's in the common room," Boden explained.

"Everyone?" Casey repeated apprehensively but he needn't have worried. As the three of them entered the common room it felt like home. Mouch was sat on the sofa with Pouch by his side sharing his bacon. Herrmann was sat enthusiastically talking to Otis and Dawson. Brett and Chilli were stood up by the coffee machine. Tony, Capp and Cruz were sat eating breakfast at the small round table. A few members of engine were sat at the long table talking amongst themselves.

Brett was the first to notice the new arrivals in the room. "Lieutenant!" she greeted enthusiastically and then the others joined in with their greetings.

"Man it's good see you," Cruz said honestly as he walked up to Casey, "Anything I can do just let me."

"Thanks Cruz," Casey smiled, a little overwhelmed by the welcome.

"Missed the place?" Herrmann asked, "It's missed you!"

"Hmm," Casey began mockingly. "Not sure I've missed your face," he grinned.

"You want breakfast lieutenant?" Otis asked as he moved towards the worktop

Severide grit his teeth, trust Otis to ask that, but Casey just stared for a moment before quickly replying, "Yeah sure."

"Here," Cruz pulled the chair at the end of the table out for Casey to sit down on, "OJ?"

"Please." Casey smirked, "You know I'm gonna expect all this service when I'm back right?"

"Ah well, you can get up and get it yourself then," Cruz joked as he placed the glass of juice in front of Casey.

"When do you think you'll be back?" Herrmann asked as he sat down next to him.

"It's gonna be a few more months until this comes off, shouldn't be too long after that," he explained.

"Good, you are missed round here," Herrmann said sincerely.

"Yeah...  you just don't want to do all the paperwork," he smiled.

"There's that," Herrmann smiled.

As Boden drove him home afterwards he smiled faintly. He was grateful at how normal everything had felt and if it weren't for the fact he'd been hobbling around with crutches it would have felt like he'd not left the place, that nothing had bad had happened.

_Café_

Two days later Casey and Severide were sitting at their usual table in their regular café. Casey had just seen Doctor Lawson; they had discussed the positive trip to the firehouse and how Casey had now slept through the night on several occasions a feat he was extremely pleased with, Lawson was delighted with this information and the news that Casey was eating much more substantial amounts of food alongside the liquid feed he was still getting.

"Matt?" a familiar voice questioned and Casey turned his head to see Rosa heading towards their table.

"Hi," he stammered out after a moment, feeling guilty he'd not rang her.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"Oh this," he said, hand touching the tube briefly. "It's nothing," he shook his head, "I'm fine."

"Sit with us," Severide stated.

"Oh are you sure? I don't want to intrude," she smiled.

"Yeah," Severide replied, "What do you want to drink?"

"Coffee please," she said.

"You two chat, I'll get coffee," Severide stood up and went to the counter.

"I'm sorry I never called," Casey stated.

"Oh it's fine," she smiled, shaking her head.

"No it's not, it was rude, I'm sorry," he replied, "Things have been a little… difficult recently."

"It's fine, honestly," she said and flicking a piece of stray blond hair back behind her ear she asked, "So what do you do?"

He smiled as he watched her fiddle with her hair nervously, her nerves made him feel more comfortable in the situation as his stomach was currently doing flip flops. "I'm a firefighter," he replied, "How about you?"

"Wow! That's brilliant!" she explained and Casey felt the blood rush up to his cheeks. "Sorry, it's pretty cool saving lives, a very brave profession," she smiled, "I'm an elementary school teacher."

"That's brilliant too," he replied, smiling, "Kids are great."

"Yeah they are," she smiled, "I'm actually not back at work yet, I've just come back from teaching abroad so I'm staying here with my sister," she explained.

"Really? Whereabouts did you go?" he asked.

"Uganda for six months, it was amazing," she beamed.

"I've barely left Chicago," Casey replied, "Well, my dad took me to Canada once, but I don't really remember it."

"That coffee is taking a while," she said with a small smile.

"Yup," he scoffed, grinning, "He's doing it on purpose."

"Did you hurt your leg at work?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, no," he shook his head. "Car accident," he replied quickly.

"That sucks," she sympathised.

"Yeah," he agreed.

Severide soon joined the two of them at the table having spoken to the waitress for a while to give them some privacy and it seemed to have done Casey some good; he looked happy and trouble free and Severide hoped it lasted.


	25. Kiss

**Kiss**   
  
_Apartment_

It had been a few days since Casey had visited the firehouse when the front door burst open startling him so much he nearly jolted off the couch. Severide steamed in wearing his uniform, once he composed himself Casey frowned in wonder but before he could say anything spoke. "Sorry didn't mean to make you jump," he muttered, kicking off his shoes.

Casey shrugged. "Everything makes me jump," he smiled but concerned for his friend the smile soon fell from his face and he asked, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah Case... 'cause I usually come home in the middle of shift," Severide replied sardonically.

He ignored his tone and continued with his enquiry, "What happened?"

"Doesn't matter," Severide said dismissively.

"Matters to me."

Annoyed Severide raised his voice, "Just leave it will you?"

"Fine," he stated disdainfully. "I see how it is. You insist I tell you stuff and you won't even tell me why you've been sent home!" he raised his voice angrily.

"Please just leave it, you don't want to know," Severide stated before walking away and shutting himself in his room. Casey sighed and slammed his arm down onto the pillow frustrated that he felt unwanted and useless, unable to help Severide.

After a few moments he grabbed his crutches and pushed himself up. He knocked on Severides door, "Kelly? I'm sorry…"

Severide was sat on the end of his bed, "I got angry so I was sent home to cool off, that's all."

Casey frowned, "You said I didn't want to know? Has something happened with Nesbitt? The court case? Am I… am I going to have testify?"

"What? Oh God no," he replied quickly, worried that Casey jumped straight to that conclusion.

"A call then? What happened?" Casey asked.

"Yeah sort of," Severide admitted.

"Erm... can I come in 'cause I need to sit down," Casey smirked.

"Sorry yeah," he replied.

Now sitting next to Severide at the end of the bed he realised he wasn't going to offer any more information willingly. "So…" he started, "I keep getting told that talking about stuff makes its better… what happened?"

Severide shook his head. "It wasn't the call," he sighed, "Some firefighters from another house were talking shit about you at a scene, things got a little heated, Boden sent me home."

Casey opened his mouth to reply but had nothing to say, he could feel his stomach twisting with panic, "What…" he hesitated, "What were they saying?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing worth repeating," Severide stated, "And nothing that will be repeated again. I made sure of that."  
  
Casey couldn't help but smile, "Thanks."  
  
"You don't know what I did."  
  
"I think I do so thanks for standing up for me, you didn't have to," he told him.  
  
"You're my best friend Casey, more than that even, so..."  
  
"So thanks. And thanks for everything else too."

_Diner_

Casey and Rosa had organised to meet up during Severides next shift, Casey had talked the whole idea through with both Severide and Lawson numerous times before he'd even called Rosa to see if she actually wanted to meet and was happy when she had agreed, he'd never felt so insecure before.

"Matt!" Rosa stood up eagerly when Casey walked into the quiet diner. He'd taken a cab and spent the short journey anxiously debating whether or not this was a good idea, it didn't help that he was exhausted as he'd been unable get much sleep for the same reason. Severide and Lawson were constantly reminding him that a good regular sleeping pattern would come eventually and would help him in the long run.

"Hi," he smiled, feeling suddenly at ease in her presence. She pulled a chair back for him and he leant his crutches against the window before he sat down. "Thanks," he grinned, "Bit useless with these aren't I?"

She laughed and shook her head. "I'm sure it would take me ages to get to the hang of them, I've got terrible coordination," she smiled, "Never broken any bones though!"

"Really?" he questioned with surprise.  
  
She nodded, "Really."  
  
"I must have bad luck," he joked.

"What else have you broken then?" she asked curiously.

"Ribs mainly," he grinned, happy to be just having a typical conversation, no mention of hospital appointments, pills, flashbacks, triggers or food.  
  
A waitress came along and took their order. "Strawberry milkshake," Rosa smiled as the waitress walked away, "A man after my own heart."

Casey scoffed, "I feel like a kid ordering it but everyone gets off my back the more I drink and eat," he said without really thinking, he grimaced, annoyed at himself. "This…" he indicated to the NG tube, "... is finally coming out tomorrow," he explained, "Not the most attractive quality one can have."

"To be honest, I barely notice it," Rosa said softly, looking into his eyes. Casey opened his mouth to say something but lost his words as kept eye contact with her. "Your phone's ringing," Rosa stated, "Shouldn't you answer that?" she smiled.

He broke their eye contact as he grabbed his phone from his pocket and Rosa watched as he frowned down at the caller ID, "Chief?" Rosa saw his frown turn into concern. "Ok I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Is everything all right?" Rosa asked, already knowing something was wrong.

"I need to go, I'm sorry," he stated. "My friends been in an accident," he explained.

As Casey stood up and grabbed his crutches Rosa stood up to, "Wait, let me give you a ride at least, it'll be quicker than waiting for a cab."

_Emergency Room_

"Casey," Boden greeted him solemnly when he hobbled into the waiting with Rosa following closely behind. "They've just taken him for an MRI, he took quite a blow to the head," he explained, Casey could see the rest of Squad 3 were sat in the waiting room, still wearing their turnout gear.

"Have they said he's going to be ok? What happened?" he asked quickly, not caring that the area around him was busy and noisy.

"The MRI is a precaution," Boden stated reassuringly, "Bleachers collapsed, knocked him out for a few minutes and Brett said he was in and out of it on his way here. Sit down; we'll be waiting for a little while longer."

Casey turned round to Rosa, who'd been stood anxiously the whole time, "Thanks for giving me a ride."

She shook her, "It was no problem, I hope your friend's going to be ok," she smiled sadly, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

He smiled, "No don't worry about it, thanks though," he had desperately wanted to say yes, she had a way of making him forget about the last few months but waiting in hospital was a lousy way to end their date.

"Ok," she replied. "Call me," she smiled before she turned and left Casey to take a seat.

_Hospital Room_

Severide woke up slowly, his head was throbbing and he daren't open his eyes. "Sev?" a voice questioned quietly.

"Ow…" he groaned as he opened his eyes to see a blur of blond hair, "Casey?"

"Yeah," Casey confirmed.

Severide squinted, he was seeing double, "You're here?"

"Rosa dropped me off," Casey explained. Severide grinned sloppily, "What?" Casey frowned.

"Nothing," Severide replied, still smiling.

"Do you want me to get the doctor?" he asked.

"Nah he'll just say I'm stuck here for twenty-four hours because I have a severe concussion," Severide stated.

Shocked Casey said, "You remember? You were really out of it earlier."

Severide grinned sloppily. "Course I remember," he slurred, "Didn't get my brain scrambled like you did."

"Very funny," Casey deadpanned.

"Hey I have a concussion," Severide joked, "You're meant to pity me."

A while later Boden walked into the room to find both Severide and Casey asleep, although Casey's sleep looked far less comfortable than Severide's and Boden couldn't decide if it was his position on the chair or the way that his face didn't look truly relaxed.   
  
When Severide woke he was far more concerned about Casey than himself, though he was no longer seeing double which was a relief. "Can you make sure he has something to eat when he gets home, he'll say he's fine but I bet he's hardly had anything today, tell him to give himself some liquid food too," Severide slurred tiredly, "He'll say no and argue that he doesn't need it because they're taking the tube out. Oh, he needs to be here tomorrow too, I can't remember the time, it's written down on the black board at home. And he didn't sleep much last night and now he's slept most of the afternoon here so if you can try and get him to take two of the blue Silenor pills with the rest of his pills…"

"Kelly," Boden interrupted him, "Don't worry."

_Apartment_

"Thanks for the ride," Casey said appreciatively. "But you don't have to stay, I'm fine on my own," he insisted.

Boden sat down on the sofa, "I'm staying for a bit."

"You don't trust me," Casey frowned.

"No Ca…" Boden began.

"Severide doesn't trust me," Casey stated. "He would usually be on shift now anyway and as you can see I'm much better now," he forced a smile, trying not to sound as annoyed as he felt.

"He's just concerned after everything that's happened today," Boden replied.

Casey frowned, "Severide got hurt, not me," he scoffed, exasperated, "I'm not fragile all of a sudden! I can cope even though no one seems to think I can; I went out on my…" he stopped realising that going out on his own wasn't something that should be an achievement, "I'm going to bed."

Boden waited a few moments before gently knocking on Casey's door. "Yeah?" Casey replied downcast. Boden sighed as he entered, Casey was sat on the edge of his bed looking miserable, he sat down next to him. "I'm sorry," Casey said sullenly, "Not exactly proving that I'm fine am I?" he sighed, "Will you ever want me back at the house?"

He frowned, "Casey you're always welcome at 51, you know that."

"Could I ever work again? Would you ever trust me?" Casey asked, staring at the wall.

"You'll know when you're ready to come back and you're spot will open for you," Boden reassured him.

A week passed by with little event, Severide was given the all clear and released after his twenty-four hour hospital stay and Casey had the NG tube removed. Rosa and Casey exchanged messages and phone calls and Severide always noticed how much brighter his friend seemed to be after their conversations.

"Invite her round for dinner," Severide had suggested once after Casey hung up the phone after one of their many conversations which was how Casey ended up standing at the kitchen counter peeling carrots and potatoes whilst Severide chopped up some onions. An hour later there was a knock on the door.

Casey greeted Rosa with a smile and she leant in to hug him only to feel his body tense at the contact, she frowned. "Sorry," he said quickly with a shrug but she said nothing more on the matter and the three of them were soon sat down eating dinner. Casey was slow at eating but did have the majority of the portion on his.

After dinner Casey slowly loaded the dishwasher after insisting he needed no help from Rosa and Severide, he told them to sit down and relax, and he'd join them once the plates were cleared away. Severide sat himself down on the couch next to Rosa, both had a glass of wine in their hands. "Is this where you do the big brother speech?" she smiled.

"Do I need to?" Severide asked with a raised eyebrow.

She smiled and shook her head, "No, I'm not going to hurt him."

"Ok," Severide nodded.

Before Severide walked back to the kitchen she started carefully, "Kelly, he wasn't in a car accident, was he?"

Severide frowned, "Car accident?"

"That answers that question," Rosa said.

He scoffed. "Of course he hasn't told you," he shook his head, "Don't know why I assumed he had."

Rosa shrugged, "I haven't mentioned it, not after he said it was an accident."

"Don't push him, he'll tell you if he wants to I guess," he suggested. He stood up from the couch with his now empty wine glass, "More wine?" he asked. Rosa shook her head. "You ok?" he asked Casey as he entered the kitchen area, he nodded, "Let me finish off, go and sit down."

Casey sat down next to Rosa, "I hope you liked dinner," he smiled.

"It was lovely Matt," she beamed, "Do you cook much?"

He shrugged, "I'm good at following recipes." He didn't admit that the meal he'd made to tonight was something his aunt had taught him when he was younger because a discussion about families would probably ensue and he didn't want to delve into that conversation, not yet.

"Well it was really good," she smiled. "You'll have to come over to mine and I'll make my signature carbonara, my sister's out of town next weekend so we can have the place to ourselves and you can stay the night," she suggested eagerly. "If you want to that is," she grinned.

"Oh erm…" Casey hesitated.

"You don't want to, sorry…" Rosa blushed.

"No," he interrupted her apology, feeling guilty for making her suddenly feel uncomfortable. "I… I haven't been completely honest with you," he sighed, "I wasn't in a accident."

"Ok," she accepted and Casey frowned, "I barely knew you, you didn't have to tell me what happened and you still don't if you're not comfort…"

"I was missing for nine days," he blurted out. "I have PTSD," he added quietly. He'd expected the world around him to crumble when people discovered what had happened to him and what was wrong with him but it hadn't.

"You tensed when I hugged you," she stated softly.

He nodded slowly and kept his eyes downcast, "Yeah… sorry... I'm messed up."

"Don't apologise," she said gently, "Besides we're all a little messed up," she smiled. He watched as she slowly took his hand in hers before he looked up into her dark green eyes, his breathing shallowed as she moved forwards and very gently kissed him on the cheek.

Severide was watching the two of them from the kitchen when Casey leant forwards kissed Rosa on the lips, he smiled glad she seemed right for him and just hoped things were going to continue to improve for his friend because he'd had a lot of rough times throughout his life; he deserved happiness.


	26. Sex

_Apartment_  
  
Casey has such high standards of expectation for himself. If you were to tell him that he would laugh it off as though it was nonsense, if he really thought deep down about it then he would realise it was true. It wasn't entirely because his father had expected him to do well at whatever he chose whilst he mother was content to let him be second best, in her eyes it didn't better he was still her best son. He just wanted, no, he needed to be better than his parents, better than their anger and rage. The physical therapists all said he was making great progress but it didn't feel like that at all as they started allowing him to bare more of his weight on his right leg, it hurt and he could have sworn he felt the bone moving beneath the brace. At home tonight he would still hobble around the apartment with his crutches and struggle to balance himself in the shower and pull his trousers over his leg. There had been some good news today though; there had been follow up x-rays on his leg and the doctor was now sure he would make a full recovery.  
  
Frustrated with himself and his weak body Casey sat with his arms folded across his chest next to Severide on the couch. All the cardboard boxes had now been unpacked and all their belongings had found a home, the apartment was clean and tidy. Casey spent a lot of his time whilst Severide was on shift tidying and cleaning, it was a good distraction from his thoughts and provided some physical exercise which Lawson said would help with the depression though Casey had argued he'd much rather just be able to go for a run. Before pounding at the streets or a treadmill calmed him and gave him chance to think and breath but he knew that even once the traction splint was off that it wasn't going to be an option for quite some time.

"Lunch?" Severide suggested as he stood up from the sofa.

Casey shook his head, "I'm not hungry."  
  
Severide raised an eyebrow.  
  
Casey conceded quickly, "Fine."  
  
Soon they were both sat in eating sandwiches in front of the TV, watching an episode Casey could have sworn he'd seen at least three times in the last two weeks, he sighed.

"Bored?" Severide asked.

Casey shrugged, "I guess." There was only so much he could do to keep himself occupied and he tried to save activities, like the cleaning, for when Severide was on shift.

"What's Lawson's little task for you?" Severide asked

"Nothing you can help with," Casey replied, looking at the TV.

"No?" he questioned.

"Going to the shop down the block," Casey explained, "On my own."

"Casey you went to the diner on your own when you met Rosa," he reminded him.

"I know," Casey replied, "Somedays things are fine, other days they're not."

Severide nodded in acceptance. Some days Casey wouldn't get out of bed, wouldn't shower or dress but on other days it was like nothing had ever happened to him and Severide had to remind himself that even this was an improvement on a month ago where he'd stopped eating and only got up and out of bed because Severide was there making him shower and change. On rare occasions he slept through the whole night but the nightmares were still in full swing. In Severides mind they seemed to be the worst part of his friends suffering but he wondered if maybe that was because Casey was getting better at coping with the triggers that caused his flashbacks during the day. However the pills he was on had almost completely stopped the invasive thoughts so at the very least Casey was no longer in receipt of constant negative feelings. That night Severide asked if he wanted something to help him sleep because Casey looked exhausted and had suffered through three nights of very little sleep because of the nightmares he'd had, Severide was thankful he accepted without protest, he was dead on his feet and the lack of sleep hadn't helped with his mood during and after his PT session and it certainly wasn't helping with Casey's anxiety.

_Therapy Room_

A few days passed by and Casey found himself sat on the sofa facing Lawson with a scowl across his face. "You seem agitated Matt, what happened to your arm?" Lawson asked at the white support wrap on his wrist.

"It's a long story," Casey shrugged.

"I'm listening," Lawson spoke gently.

"I fell out of bed," he admitted after a moment.

"After a nightmare?" Lawson asked, he nodded, "That's not happened before has it? Do you remember what happened in the dream?"

"It wasn't the dream," Casey stated.

"The nightmare didn't cause you to fall out of bed?"

"Not exactly," Casey sighed, resigned to explaining the whole situation; the reason he felt so agitated today.

_Rosa gently pushed him down onto the bed. His chest tightened as he sat there, growing anxious with the sudden loss of control. She smiled sweetly and moved her soft hands to the hem of his shirt, he took a sharp intake of breath as he placed a hand on hers to stop her from moving the shirt and revealing his scars but she gently took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly before letting it travel up his arm. She embraced his cheek and kissed him softly on the lips and then moved her hand back to join the other at his waist._

_Casey's breathing hastened as she slipped the shirt off, caressing his chest as she did so, the shirt fell haphazardly on the bed behind him. He moved his arms in an attempt to cover his scarred chest but gently she placed her hands around them and moved them aside, she frowned as she studied the puckered pink skin and ever so slowly she moved to trace one of them just below his rib cage._

_He flinched as her soft fingertip touched his chest. "Sorry," he muttered and tried to regain his composure. He concentrated on her soft hands and the sound of her smooth breath to push the image of the knife out of his mind. She continued to trace several of the scars that stood out on his pale chest before gently pushing him down onto the bed. She stood over him and moved to unfasten his loose jeans but he grabbed her wrist stopping the process. "Sorry," he muttered once more._

_"Matt if you don't want to do this…" she began sympathetically._

_"No I do, I really do," he replied, "I'm sorry."_

_"Hey it's ok," she smiled, "Like I said before; stop me if you think I'm going to do something you can't cope with."_

_"I'm sorry," he repeated. Her hands still lay on his waist, rather than allow her to continue he gently moved them away as he unfastened the belt, undid the button and pushed down the zipper on his jeans. He grabbed the waistband and pushed them down slightly, his breathing remained calm so she gently took over and pulled them down the rest of the way. She softly caressed his hips and knelt down in front of him, kissing the tip of bone that jutted out. She repeated the process on the other side and a warm feeling slowly spread throughout his body. He lay still as she carefully slipped his boxers down. Soon all the previous images of the knife, the men manhandling him and stripping vanished and he felt full of bliss, his breaths were slow and steady and there was no urge to jump up and bolt out of the room. His mind reveled in the feeling of the climax and for the first time in a long while and he realised how long it had been since he last felt this good in another woman's company._

_"How was that then?" she grinned after kissing him lightly on the lips._

_"Uh huh..." he uttered before she kissed him again; he continued to lay still and relaxed as she continued her ministrations._

_"Good?" she breathed._

_"Uh huh..." he muttered once more._

_She was caressing his cheek and jaw and slowly moved down to his neck, gently slipping her hand below the back of his head when his breath hitched, his body froze and panic washed across his eyes. "_ _Matt? Oh God... I'm sorry," she said urgently._

_He tried to brush it off like it was nothing despite the fact his body was now trembling. "I'm fine, it's ok. I'm sorry, I'_ _m fine," he insisted._

_She leant back down and kissed his forehand. "Maybe I should go," she said. She hadn't spent the night with him before and she wasn't sure he'd be up for it; she barely knew any details about what had happened to him and she didn't want to press on the matter._

_"No," he replied quickly. "No stay please," he smiled and then frowned, "If_ _you want too?"_

_"Of course I want to," she replied smiling broadly._

_Later in the night Casey bolted upright, his breaths were ragged. The room was dark, he couldn't see anything, he couldn't feel the soft mattress underneath him but instead a cold hard floor, he wasn't in pain yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he was confined. Any moment the door would swing open revealing one of his kidnappers, no, he thought, he wasn't there he couldn't be, he was fine. Slowly his breaths returned to normal and he slowly lowered himself back into bed only to touch something, no, someone._  
  
"Hey..." the person spoke tiredly and all of a sudden Casey found himself on the floor, pain was shooting up and down his wrist and someone was speaking soothingly to him.

_"Matt? You're ok, you just fell out of bed but you're ok," soon he realised the voice belonged to Severide._

_"Kel?" he questioned seeking confirmation._

_"Yeah, you're ok Matt,"_ _Severide replied._

_"Erm… I better go…" another voice spoke quietly from up on the bed, "I'm sorry…"_  
  
Casey was still regaining his composure and barely noticed Rosa leave.

_"Damn Case," Severide observed, "You must have landed on your wrist."_

_"Oh," he breathed, if he had that explained the pain that was sending spikes of agony up his right arm._

_"We need to get you to hospital," Severide explained._

_"No," Casey muttered._

_"Yes,"_ _Severide sighed._ _"_ _Are you all right to get dressed?" he asked, Casey frowned so he added, "You're not wearing anything bud."_

_Forty-five minutes later Casey found himself sitting in the ER waiting to be seen. Severide was sat beside him, they had been sat in silence for the most part, it was nearly 4am and they were both exhausted. "So… you and Rosa? Did ya do it?"_ _he grinned crudely._ __  
_  
_ _Casey let out a breath._ _"_ _Erm yeah, kinda," he blushed._

" _Kinda?_ _"_ _Severide smiled._ __  
__  
He felt more blood rising to his cheeks. "I didn't really do anything…" he frowned, "I just lay there; can't have been nice for her…"

_"Well she stayed," Severide grinned, "You must have done something right."_

_"She stayed?" he repeated and as the memories flood back he swore, "Damn it! I'm such an idiot."_

_"What?" Severide frowned._

_"She's never gonna call me back now is she?" he sighed miserably._

"Why do you think she's not going to call you back?" Lawson asked.

"No one freaks out, falls out of bed and sprains their wrist because there's someone sleeping next to them," he scoffed, "I didn't even realise she was still there."

"It doesn't sound like she's not got gonna be offended that you had a nightmare, it sounds like she's very understanding," Lawson reassured him, "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday morning, they wanted to give me a wheelchair again," he scoffed, "Gives me an excuse not to go out 'cause I can't use the crutches for very long, sprained it pretty badly apparently."

"You're weight bearing on that leg now though, at least it didn't happen a few weeks ago," Lawson explained.

"Do you always find something positive or is just because this is your job?"

"I guess I must just be a positive person," Lawson replied.

"That must be hard to be so positive all the time when you listen to all these people who…" he paused, frowning with realization. He'd been loading all his problems onto Lawson and Severide, if his thoughts made himself feel awful how must they make them feel?

"Who?" Lawson urged softly when it was clear Casey.

"Nothing," he dismissed, "Look can we finish? I don't really have anything else to say."

Lawson sighed quietly and it went unheard by Casey, "Sure Matt, make an appointment for next week at reception," Casey nodded and began to leave, "And call Rosa."

Casey looked back and nodded briefly, "Sure." Although he had no intention in doing either, how had he got into this routine where he was unloading his problems onto others? Enough was enough, he needed to do this on his own, he didn't want to be a burden, he didn't want to be seen as weak, he didn't want help.


	27. Crash

_Apartment_

"Did you get any sleep last night?" Severide asked as he walked into the bedroom. Casey looked slowly towards him with red rimmed eyes and the answer was clear; he'd not had a minute of rest last night. Severide sat down at the end of the bed and spoke softly, "When's your next appointment with Lawson?"

"I didn't make one," Casey admitted tiredly.

"No? How come?" he asked, hiding his concern behind a blank face.

Casey shrugged lethargically, "Didn't feel like it."

"You've not thought about calling Rosa either have you? You've had at least three missed calls from her…" he trailed off.

"I know," Casey replied indifferently.

"You wanna come to the house today?" he asked cheerfully but deep down he knew it was unlikely even though his visit a few weeks ago had seemed to lift his spirits momentarily at least.

"No," Casey stated with no hesitation.

"Take some sleeping pills if you can't sleep tonight; busy day tomorrow," Severide advised as he stood up from the end of the bed.

"What?" Casey turned to face Severide, confusion washed across his face; it was the first real reaction Severide had gotten out of him this morning.

"We're going to the zoo," Severide announced. He wanted to get Casey out of the apartment, the fresh air would be good and the zoo itself would provide plenty of conversation that didn't have anything to do his kidnapping. It wasn't about getting him to face his new fears of loud noises and crowds it was just about going out as friends; creating new happy memories. Severide knew these new happy memories would never overrule Casey's memories of his nine days of torture but it would help to have something positive he could draw upon when he felt the need.

"We're going to the zoo?" he repeated incredulously.

"You don't like the zoo?" Severide asked lightly.

"I've not been to the zoo since I was nine," he frowned, "You're not joking are you?"

"Nope," Severide grinned, "We are going to the zoo."

Casey laughed, shaking his head.  
  
"There we go; a smile. Now my job is done I'm going to work."

"Your job is to make me smile?" Casey questioned, "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"

"Maybe but you're in a much better mood now than when I walked in," Severide grinned. "I'm like… a rainbow of happiness swooping in," he laughed lightly at himself and Casey joined in, "Anyway… I'm gonna go now…"

"Yeah before you say anything else ridiculous… Mr Rainbow of Happiness," Casey scoffed.

"Yeah…" Severide grinned before leaving the room where Casey remained sitting up in bed with a tired but giddy smile across his face.

_Lincoln Park Zoo_

They were sat down having lunch inside a small café when Casey's phone rang, it was Rosa. "You gonna answer that?" Severide asked when his saw the caller ID.

Casey looked nervously down at the screen before accepting the call. "Hi," he greeted.

 _"Hey it's good to hear your voice! I was worried about you, I didn't want to be too pushy but I felt like constantly calling you! It's taken a lot of self-control not to!"_ she laughed and Casey grinned, it really was good to hear her voice.

"I'm sorry I've not answered your calls," he said sheepishly.

 _"It's fine Matt, just wanted to make sure you were all right,"_ she replied softly, _"We don't have to be serious. We can just have a nice causal relationship, you know, nothing serious. Just fun."_

"I'd like that," he smiled. After having two serious relationships in his life it sounded like the perfect idea, no commitment and therefore no heartbreak.

 _"Good,"_ she said, _"Who knows what we'll both be doing this time next year… or even in a few months."_  
  
"Just fun does sound good," he admitted.

 _"It sounds like you deserve fun,"_ she replied.

He frowned. "Has Severide been having words?" he mocked.

 _"Maybe,"_ she chuckled.

"He's sitting across from me now _not_ looking very innocent," he laughed.

 _"He's a good friend,"_ she stated.

Casey smiled, looking directly at Severide, "Yeah he is." Severide raised an eyebrow questioningly but Casey just continued to smile at him with a playful look in his eyes.

 _"Speak to you later?"_ she said hopingly.

"All right," he replied, "And thanks… I'm bit useless at the moment."

 _"You're not entirely useless,"_ she stated before hanging up the phone. Casey slipped his cell phone back into the pocket of his coat.

"So Rosa wasn't bothered about that night then?" Severide smiled. "Now you gonna tell me why you haven't made another appointment with Lawson?"

Casey shrugged, "I've not got anything else to talk about."

"No?" he questioned

"You both know what happened," Casey said dismissively. He'd gotten into a routine of answering Severide and Lawson when they asked questions about how he was hurt, what the men asked him, how he felt about things at the time and now. He'd listened to Lawson's advice and accepted his help, he'd even written notes down in his intrusion diary. Now he'd had enough, he didn't want to transfer his burdens onto anyone else anymore despite the fact that talking had helped him gain a perspective on what had happened and that there wasn't anything he could have done to change the situation, although he still wasn't entirely convinced with that one, he didn't want to be forcing his pain and fears onto anyone else.

"Everything?" Severide questioned once more.

"Well I was there for nine days, I've answered your questions about most things and I'm sure you can just fill in the rest," he laughed momentarily before his face lost all hint of emotion once again. Severide was unconvinced. "Look, I'm fine on my own. I don't want to keep sharing every little problem."

"Every little problem? You still wake up screaming," he said bluntly.

Casey glanced around, hoping no one was listening. "Just don't say anything," he hushed, "Just ignore me."

"Ignore you? What? So you can ignore it? Casey it's not just going to go away if you pretend it's not happened, that it isn't happening," he exasperated.

"It's getting better, you know it is," Casey urged.

"Getting better?" Severide questioned. "Sure," he shrugged, "Every now and then you sleep through the night but I'm not convinced you slept at all last night and I know you didn't the night before."

Casey looked down at his half finished milkshake. "Please can we not talk about it or anything," he said quietly, "I thought we were here to just do something normal and get out the apartment."

Severide sighed and although he couldn't push all his worry and concern away he shook his head and began. "So we've done the lion house and penguins, how about we go see the reptiles?" he smiled looking down at the little brochure they'd been given.

_Apartment_

Walking around the zoo had been exhausting for Casey but overall he supposed it had been a good day, he wanted desperately to get past everything that had happened to him and he'd decided that acting like everything was normal was the way forward. Severide hadn't brought anything up since their conversation over lunch and he was currently in the kitchen making dinner despite Caseys protest's that he shouldn't be making all his food and that he actually wasn't hungry anyway. Casey was sitting on the couch with his leg propped up on the coffee table, it was aching painfully from its use today but he was being urged to keep more of his weight, which was still lacking, on his healing leg. He wasn't going to admit it but he was looking forward to taking some painkillers when Severide left him alone for a moment. He flicked through the TV channels looking for a distraction and ended up watching the local news channel, the volume was so low he could barely hear anything that was being discussed.

"Are you going to have something to help you sleep tonight? You'll be like the walking dead if you don't get any sleep soon," Severide called across the apartment.

Casey remained sitting with his back to him looking blankly at the TV. "It says you can become dependent on them," he responded.

"It says?" Severide questioned doubtful about the source of Casey's information.

"Online," he stated.

"Oh," Severide replied, "Well, I'm sure Lawson wouldn't have given them to you if he thought they'd cause a problem."

Nothing more said on the matter. The TV caught Casey's attention when he saw what he thought was a man recognised and his heart filled with dread. He stared at the screen as he grabbed the remote and turned the volume up.

 _"… trial started today. The men are accused of sex trafficking, and kidnapping and if found guilty will each be sentenced at least twenty years in…"_  
  
Casey startled as the screen turned black and Severide was suddenly by his side. "You don't need to watch that," he stated bleakly.

"Twenty years?" Casey muttered as a frown of deep thought crossed his face.

"That's the minimum for just the kidnapping Case, Antonio thinks they'll all get more than that, some may get life, that notebook they found shed a lot of light on the operation," Severide explained, he'd been hoping to avoid the trial situation with Casey, he didn't want to cause any additional anxiety.

Hesitantly he asked. "What about me?" he cringed inwardly at the selfishness of his question.

"They have a strong enough case without you as a witness," Severide replied.

"But?" Casey questioned as he saw the withholding look in his friends eyes.

Severide sighed. "But they can call you as witness if they need," he explained before quickly providing reassurance, "It's so unlikely Casey, it'll only happen if something goes terribly wrong during the trial."

"Things always go terribly wrong," Casey said glumly.

"Case…" Severide began.

"Something's burning," Casey stated monotonously.

"Oh crap," Severide stood up and rushed to the kitchen to save their dinner.

_Car_

A few days later they were driving back from the hospital. Severide had made an appointment for Casey to see Lawson after several failed attempts to get him to make one for himself. He'd watched as Casey hobbled miserably out of the room, he didn't say a word until they got into the car.

"I didn't want to do that," he stated resentfully.

"I know," Severide replied as he started the engine.

"Is this it then? You're just going to make me do stuff that I don't want to do now?" he spat out angrily.

"What? No Casey," Severide objected, "It's for your…"

"My own good right?" he scoffed, "No it's not," he shook his head.   
  
Severide glanced quickly over at him with a frown.   
  
"It makes you and everyone else feel better because everyone wants things to be better, everyone wishes it hadn't happened. Well it did happen and it happened to me. Me!" he emphasised, "So I'm going to deal with it however the hell I want! Lawson can go on and on about how internalising everything is going to make it worse by…"

"By making you angry?" Severide interjected.

"I'm not angry because I don't want to talk, I'm angry because no one is letting me do what I want!" he exclaimed.

"What do you want Casey?!" Severide yelled back, "Do you want to just stay at home in bed all day with the apartment lit up like Las Vegas?"

"You don't care," he stated almost inaudibly looking away from Severide through the front window, "Not really."

"What?" Severide questioned in disbelief.

"People only pretend to care because it makes them feel better when they think they're doing something good but really they just don't care," he explained quietly.

Severide sighed, they'd just come to a halt at an intersection waiting for the light to turn green. "Casey I do care, you know I do, I can't be bothered to pretend; I _do_ care," he reassured, "Look you've had a shitty time of it, you don't even talk about what happened when you were a kid, but honestly not everyone just pretends to care, some of us really do."

"It's green," Casey stated monotonously as the lights changed.

Severide pulled forward, they were heading straight across the intersection, from the corner of his eye right eye Casey saw something getting quickly getting closer, turning his head he saw the truck hurtling towards them, it was going to t-bone their car. "Sev…" he warned but it was too late.

At the sound of Casey's panic stricken voice Severide turned his head and saw the reason for his friend's distress, he pushed his foot down on the accelerator as fast as he could then the impact came, the front of the truck smashed into the back corner of their car. The force of the impact caused the car to spin wildly away from the truck which had come to an abrupt stop leaving tyre marks on the road behind it. Severide held on to the steering wheel as the car spun, he didn't press the breaks knowing that could force the car to flip over at the speed they were still travelling at. It felt like they'd been spinning around on the road for an age when suddenly the right hand side of the car slammed hard onto a signal light pole.

Severide heard the metal of the car and pole continue to creak and groan after they'd come to a standstill. "Case…" he turned to discover him trembling violently and breathing rapidly, if he didn't calm down Severide was sure he'd pass out from the lack of oxygen. "Casey?" he called over again as he gave him a quick once over and came to the conclusion that they'd both managed get through this with just minor injuries. He could feel blood trickling down his forehead even though he couldn't recall hitting his head and he could see a steady trail of blood oozing from Caseys nose as well as blood on his sleeve, presumably from the broken passenger window, but the bleeding wasn't heavy, he was more concerned that Casey seemed to be hyperventilating. "Case?" he repeated to no avail and he watched as Caseys head drooped to the right. Casey had passed out but at least his breathing seemed to have evened out. Severide tried to turn and reach across to Casey but his seatbelt no longer allowed much movement so he stretched an arm out to feel his friends pulse and chest. Severide tried to rouse him again and was grateful when he heard the faint sound of sirens.


	28. Façade

_Car_

Casey slowly became aware of his surroundings. His head was throbbing and his chest ached. When he realised the loud noises he could hear were sirens and that he was sitting in the passenger seat of Severides car he swore. "Sev?" he turned quickly to look at him and immediately sore the small gash on Severide's forehead, "Are you ok?"   
  
Severide nodded slowly.  
  
"Kelly?" he questioned again as he tried to open the door, it was jammed shut, "Are you hurt?"  
  
Before Severide could reply firefighters and paramedics had arrived at the scene. They were immediately recognised and were soon c-collared and extracted from the car and despite both of their objections they were soon on their way to the hospital in separate ambulances.

_Emergency Room_

The ambulance journey had been disorientating and Casey soon found himself drifting off into unconsciousness. As soon as Severide arrived in the ER. closely followed by Casey, he still remained insistent that he was fine and that it was Casey they should be worried about. Casey was woken up by one of the ER doctors, he had no recollection of what had happened and the c-collar and backboard had him restrained. He panicked and as the nurse tried to reassure him she placed a hand on his shoulder and his panic only increased.

Severide pushed past the ER staff as soon as his c-collar was removed and made his way over to the other side of the ER followed by a nurse calling his name insisting that he lie back down, he had gained a concussion when his head had slammed against the steering wheel. "I'll do whatever you want after I've checked my friend," he stated as he pulled back the curtains to find Casey lying still on the bed, the c-collar had been removed, dry blood was still clinging to his pale skin under his nose. "Is he ok?" he asked a nearby doctor.

"He's fine but he was given him a mild sedative before we determined that," the ER doctor replied as he glanced at Casey's chart, he'd not actually treated the man.

Severide frowned. "Did you not see his medical record? I told the EMTs he has panic attacks, why did you just sedate him?" he spoke angrily.

"There wasn't anything they could do, he could have hurt himself, he'll wake up shortly they only gave him a small dosage," the doctor explained and saw Severide grimace in pain. "You really need to go back to your bed," he advised.

Lawson was sitting by Casey's bed, he watched as he woke up blearily. "Matt?" he said softly. Slowly Casey looked towards him through groggy eyes. "They paged me down here. You were in a car accident, do you remember?" he asked. It had been fortunate timing, Lawson had just been finishing off an appointment when he was informed that one of his patients was in the ER, he had feared the worst and felt relieved when he saw Casey lying on the bed after being told he just had a minor concussion from the accident.

Slowly Casey shook his head, "Not really. Kelly?"

"You've got a minor concussion but I think you've just repressed the memories of the accident, you were pretty shaken up, they had to give you a light sedative," Lawson explained.

"Where's Kelly?" he slurred.

"Bed fourteen," Lawson replied.

"I don't have to stay?" he questioned but he had no intention of staying no matter what the response was.

"You're not being admitted," Lawson explained, "We should talk about…"

"No. I'm fine," he replied monotonously. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, groaning when he realised that of course the crutches had been in the car and there appeared to none around him.

"Crutches," Lawson stated.

"I'm fine," he repeated as he stood up carefully.

"I'll go and grab you some Matt, take it easy for now," Lawson advised.

He hobbled carefully over to where Lawson had told him Severide was and pulled back the curtain. "Waiting for an X-ray," Severide explained when he saw Casey, "Should you be up and about?"

"They gave me a light sedative," Casey stated.

"That's why I asked…" Severide said.

"No I'm fine, I'm not being admitted, just a minor concussion," he insisted.

"Minor concussion? Have they seen your…" Severide spoke with concern.

"They have seen my medical record. I'm fine," he stated.

Severide sighed, "Well sit down before you fall down."

Casey sat down and slowly began. "Kelly…" he hesitated, "I don't really remember what happened but I do remember yelling at you…"

"You didn't make me crash the car Casey," Severide interrupted, imagining that his friend was blaming himself.

"I had no right to yell at you..."

"Did you hear me?" Severide asked and he watched as Casey frowned, "You didn't make me crash the car and I don't know where you've got this impression from that I don't care but…"

"I'm sorry," he spoke sincerely, "I don't know why I said it, I'm sorry and… I'm sorry."

_Apartment_

They were back at home, Severide's x-ray luckily revealed no broken ribs he was just going to be incredibly sore for the next few days, Lawson had spoken to one of the ER doctors and they'd gotten Casey another pair of crutches. The car had been totalled and it was going to be cheaper for the insurance to replace it then have it fixed. Casey had barely said anything since he'd apologised to Severide in the ER and that night they both lay wide awake in their separate rooms until the very early hours of the morning.

Casey woke with a start after spending his short sleep fitfully reliving the previous day's events crossed over with truck crash that had taken place about a year ago; the images swarmed his mind confused with the noise of angry voices and gunshots. He was sweating profusely but he shivered under the bed covers, he threw them back angrily and sat up. The sound of the TV was grating so he grabbed the controller from his bedside table and switched it off before throwing the remote across the room where it hit the wall with a clang as the batteries fell out. He was exhausted and his chest felt tight, a mixture of anxiety and anger swooped down on him. He sighed, frustrated at himself, before getting up off the bed and hobbling into the ensuite. After using the facilities he stared at his reflection, he barely recognised himself. He looked awful. Out of nowhere he slammed his fist into the mirror, it shattered but remained whole.

"Casey?" he heard Severide question after a few moments.

"Sorry," he murmured from behind the closed door, "Accident."

"Right..." Severide replied unconvinced but Casey heard him walk away.  
  
He stood looking down at the blood trickling from the small cuts on his right hand for a while before he glanced at the cracked mirror and pulled out a small shard. He'd half expected the rest of the pieces to fall down onto the counter and into the sink but it was stronger than him and remained within the frame. Images fluttered into in his head as he gripped the thin segment of the mirror, he could see himself dragging it slowly along his skin, he could see the blood spilling out, he could see himself pushing deeper and deeper. He released his grip immediately and the shard clattered into the sink. He slipped his top off and looked down at the scars on his chest and torso, a reminder of pain and humiliation, he didn't want to cause that to himself, did he? All he knew was that he didn't want to feel like this anymore, he didn't want to feel anything, he thought longingly back to his first few days in the hospital where his mind had been heavily clouded with drugs. He shook his head, sighed and tried to dismiss all the thoughts in his head, pushing them back hoping they wouldn't keep resurfacing. He took one last look at his hand to discover that it had barely bled before exiting the ensuite and slipping on a fresh top.

He smiled broadly. "Do you want breakfast?" he called to Severide as he used his crutches to hobble into the kitchen.

"Sure, if you're offering," Severide replied from his position on the sofa. He was sitting up stiffly waiting for the painkillers to kick in, he ribs ached and he'd not managed to find a comfortable position to sleep in last night.

"Eggs, bacon or pancakes…" he listed, "What do you want?"

"You make good pancakes," Severide stated.

"Pancakes it is then," Casey smiled.

Severide frowned, unseen by Casey. "You seem happy," he stated.

"Good," Casey replied quickly, the word just slipped out his mouth because seeming happy wasn't exactly what he wanted because he didn't want Severide, or anyone else for that matter, to worry about him, "I mean, I am good… So I'm happy."

"I'm glad Case, I was worried that yesterday was hard on…" Severide began.

"I wasn't hurt, you were, hence the homemade breakfast," he smiled lifting up the bowl he was about to make the pancake better in, "It's the least I can do."

A few days passed and Casey remained within his built up façade unless he was alone, he ate because he didn't want anyone to become concerned like last time, took the pills because Severide laid out for him and he smiled and said that he was fine, he was good, he was doing much better, he was happy, when really he just wanted to go back, go back to when things were normal. Pretending everything was normal was the closest he was going to get to his wish but pretending didn't stop the nightmares.

_"_ _Kelly?" he called quietly from the ground, his voice didn't sound like his own, it was weak and his throat was painfully dry. "Kelly?" he called again. He used all the willpower he had, any energy had disappeared days ago, to push himself up and towards the wall closest to where he'd heard the gunshots. Agony washed through his battered body with every movement he took as he shuffled to the wall. He was panting by the time he got there and was sure he would pass out from the pain, he tried his best to hang on to the small threads of consciousness he had left and called out once again before the world around him disappeared and he slumped to the side._

He'd been calling out in his sleep and when Severide came he insisted that he was fine because he couldn't remember the dream before he apologised for waking him. After Severide retreated back to his own room Casey lay on his bed in the brightly lit room with eyes open and unmoving, he didn't want to feel like this anymore, the hopelessness, the sadness, pain and anxiousness, he didn't want to feel any of it. He grabbed the worn note from his bedside table, he read its words over and over again.  
  
 _'_ _I survived. I was hurt but I survived. I'm fine. I don't want to die.'_   
  
He stopped repeating its words and crumpled it within his hand before letting it drop to the floor.

More days passed in the same manner, Severide was back at work on light duties for his first couple of shifts, whilst Casey remained surrounded by the walls he created in his mind. He had spoken to Rosa several times but never agreed to meet up so he was a little surprised to see her at the apartment door whilst Severide was a work.  
  
"Hi," he said with a shocked deer in the headlights expression across his face.

"Hey," she greeted softly before concern swooped across her face, "You look like you've not slept in days."

It took all Casey had to keep tears from welling up in his eyes, "I'm all right," he smiled thinly.

"You sounded…" she hesitated, "Sad on the phone,"

"I'm…" he began.

"Is there anything I can do?" she interrupted, smiling softly.

Casey sighed and looked down at her shoes briefly before replying. "It's nice just to see you," he admitted, "Sorry I'm not very good at this relationship thing…"

"Just fun remember," she smiled, and Casey didn't know what part of it was fun for either of them but he let her through door and into the apartment. "Hmm... how about you sit down, I'll give this place a bit of a tidy and then I'll join you on," she suggested as she took in the sorry state of the apartment, it was as bad as it would perhaps be if Casey were living on his own but there were still dirty dishes, empty food packets, glasses and clothes scattered around the place.

"Doesn't sound very fun for you," he stated.

"I like tidying," she stated, "It'll make me feel useful at least." She began to gather all the dirty culinary items when something stopped her. "Hey Matt," she called after studying some of the pills, "If these aren't working why don't you ask for something else? There are so many different SSRIs."

"Nah I'm fine," he replied lightly, "They're good."

Suddenly she asked, "Are you taking them?"

He scoffed. "I think Sev would have something to say about it if I weren't," he stated.

"Sorry… you just don't look like you've been sleeping very well," she replied honestly.

Casey decided it was definitely time for a change in conversation, he'd gotten up from the sofa and walked over to the kitchen where Rosa was still standing. "Quit tidying up my mess, why don't we have a drink?" he smiled as he began to open the cupboard he knew the alcohol was kept.

"A drink? Is that wise with all the…" Rosa began and she placed her hand on his to stop him.

"Just fun remember," he grinned repeating her early statement.

"Why don't we just watch a movie together," she suggested.

"Sure whatever you want," he smiled.

After the film ended Rosa left the apartment. Casey had been half asleep within the first hour of the film so she decided to call it a night without realising Casey wasn't going to be ending his night quite as early as her.


	29. Drunk

_Apartment_

Severide returned home from shift, unlocked the door and entered the apartment to discover the strong smell of alcohol.  
  
"Case?" he called out immediately.  
  
He found him slumped down on the floor in front of the sofa, an empty glass held precariously in his hand.  
  
"Are you drunk?" he asked incredulously although the answer was obvious, he just wanted to solicitate some kind of response from his despondent friend, "Casey what have you done?" he asked as he glanced around the apartment, there was a nearly empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table and several empty cans of beer strewn on the floor. His heart stopped when he saw the open pill bottles, "Case? What have you taken?" but his friend didn't respond, "Are you drunk? What have you taken?" he repeated, grabbing Casey's shoulders.

Slowly Casey nodded. "Should do this more often," he slurred out. "Should have done it before… should just do it forever and ever…" he trailed off as if he'd not said anything at all.

"Casey?" Severide shook him, "What have you had? Was this full?" He shoved the bottle of whiskey in front of his friends face as he tried to remember if he'd previously opened the bottle, he had no idea when his friend had started drinking it but if he'd drank nearly the whole bottle in the last few hours he was at serious risk for alcohol poisoning. "Was this full?" he asked again, "Damn it Casey," he swore and let go of his friends shoulders when he didn't respond. He watched as Casey slumped back on the leg of the sofa. Severide looked at the pill bottles once more and shook his head, "I'm going to have to take you to the hospital."

"No," Casey muttered as his head lolled back.

"Casey I'm taking you to the hospital!" Severide said forcefully

"No," Casey shook his head, "Pills," he muttered.  
  
Severide turned his head to follow Casey's bleary gaze to discover several different coloured pills lying on the floor near the kitchen counter. "You dropped them?" he questioned.

Casey didn't meet his eyes, partly because the alcohol flowing through his system wouldn't allow him to focus and partly because he was ashamed of his actions. "I just wanted to forget..." he slurred.

"Yeah alcohol does that… for a bit," Severide stated grimly. "You need…" he began but was interrupted at the sound Casey's strangled gurgling.  
  
He was throwing up and had no willpower or strength to move himself. Casey felt Severide pull him forwards from his partially reclined position as he continued to retch violently. His chest spasmed as his stomach protested to its liquid contents and Casey felt tears begin to fall from his eyes. Severide remained holding him comfortingly whilst the vomiting turned into dry heaves and eventually subsided. Casey trembled from the pain and nausea that still wrecked his body.  
  
"Take some deep breaths, I'll get you some water," Severide instructed and left a lethargic Casey on the floor before returning with a glass of ice cold water and the plastic basin from the sink. "Here," he offered the glass to Casey who shakily took it but he grimaced before he could take a sip.

"I'm gonna throw up again," he slurred and Severide shoved the plastic basin into his view just before he began retching violently once more. "S'over?" he mumbled when he finished.

"Probably not," Severide replied honestly, "You've not drank for months and decided to casually chuck back three beers and way too many glasses of whiskey with painkillers, antibiotics and SSRI's in your system."

"Yeah," Casey slurred, "Kinda works though."

"Kinda works?" Severide queried with concern evident in his voice.

"Don't feel anything," he stated.

"Nothing?" Severide frowned.

"I feel…" he hesitated as if it were hard to get the right words out, "I feel tired… just tired."

"Tired of what?" Severide urged Casey for an answer and in his vulnerable he knew he was likely to get a truthful one.

"Pretending… everything," he admitted quietly.

When Casey's sluggishness grew and his awareness diminished Severide helped him drink the water before assisting him to bed where for the next few hours he watch his friend sleep, he couldn't recall the last time he'd seen him sleep so peacefully.

_Therapy Room_

"You're lucky you didn't get alcohol poisoning," Lawson stated. Severide had filled him in on what had happened as Casey was in no fit state for his appointment the previous day and still felt the aftereffects as he sat on the sofa in front of Lawson, "Are you going to do it again?"

"I can't," Casey stated.

"You don't want to?" Lawson queried. Despite spending most of the previous day throwing up and attempting to sleep through one of the worst headaches he'd had since his injury nearly two years ago.

"No I drank most the alcohol in the house and somehow I don't think Sev's going to get any in anytime soon," Casey replied

"So I shouldn't be worried that you're going to try and drink yourself to death? Substance abuse isn't an uncommon reaction with PTS…" Lawson began to explain.

"I've not drunk that much since Hallie died," he stated.

"Did it help then?" the doctor questioned.

"No," he replied quietly.

"Which is why you didn't try it sooner?" Lawson assumed.

Casey nodded, "It's only temporary… like everything else."

Lawson frowned. "What else is temporary?" he was concerned that Casey was thinking about or had previously tried other methods of coping.

"Everything is. Nothing ever lasts," he explained, "My parents were happy… and then they weren't, Hallie and I were happy and then we weren't, Dawson was happy and then she wasn't so everything is temporary so…"

"So why try and achieve happiness when it's only going to end in misery?" Lawson continued.

"I've always wanted a family," he stated, "That's really the only thing I think I've ever wanted."

"There's plenty of time for it still," Lawson reassured.

"It's not going to happen," he replied stubbornly.

"You and Rosa are quite close now?" Lawson said.

"We're not serious, she doesn't even know how long she's going to be in Chicago for," he frowned, "And we don't even like each other like that."

"Friends with benefits?" the doctor smiled.

Casey thought for a moment before replying, "Yeah, suppose that is what we are."

"You want more?" Lawson questioned.

"No," he replied. "A family was the only thing I ever wanted but I don't want that anymore because I can't have that so I suppose I don't want anything, I can't even look after myself," he sighed. "My dad was right about me," he paused, "Don't read anything in to that. I don't have daddy issues."

"Your mom shot your dad," Lawson stated.

"I dealt with that a long time ago," he replied darkly.

"By pushing your feelings away? By building up the walls you so adamantly hide behind even now. You're a first responder, you've be trained to detach yourself but you did that long before you became a firefighter. But you're a leader now; you're a good lieutenant, an excellent one according to Kelly. You're good because you've learnt to control your emotions, mask them and not them get in the way of your job," Lawson explained.

"Could," he shook his head, "Past tense,"

"You don't know that, you're not back at work yet," Lawson replied

"Those walls you keep talking about they don't exist, maybe never did," he frowned, "If they did exist they weren't walls made of brick... more like… more like glass…"

Lawson decided to say it with no attempts to cushion the question, he was concerned and he wasn't going to hide it, "Do you want to be admitted? Some intense therapy every day should do you some good, it will…"

"You can't make me if I don't want that?" Casey asked.

"No not unless you're a danger to yourself or others," Lawson replied and Casey just looked questioningly at him, "I don't think you are." When he didn't reply Lawson asked softly, "Do you think you are?"

"I don't know," he admitted quietly. He found it so hard to combat the thoughts in his head at times, it was the main reason he'd decided to wash everything away with the alcohol.

"How do you feel about changing your meds?" Lawson asked lightly.

"Thought we would stop them eventually before I went to work," he said with a small frown. He didn't want to be taking pills at work, he didn't want anyone to think there was something wrong with him because he thought they'd question his judgment and that they wouldn't trust him as they had in the past.

"I'll be honest with you Matt, I think you'll still be on them at work," Lawson replied gently, he was pleased that Casey was still talking about going back to work though, he could see a future, he just didn't know how to get there, "At least for a little bit, we'll review them regularly."

"Thought you said these were working," Casey reminded him, getting back onto the topic of changing them.

"They are," Lawson replied, "For the negative and intrusive thoughts and the nightmares have reduced but I think we need to try and tackle this depression, the CBT isn't working as well as we'd hoped. Now we can either increase the dosage of Zoloft again or introduce something else alongside your current prescription," Lawson suggested.

"Something else?" he questioned.

"Targeted more towards clinical depression, there's been trials showing that Remeron added on to Zoloft can significantly improve depressive symptoms," Lawson explained. The studies were quite new and he'd read in a recent journal and conferred with a colleague before he even considered mentioning it to Casey.

"I'm depressed? It's because of the PTSD that's what you said before," Casey frowned he didn't wanted to be labelled as depressed. As far as he was concerned depression meant you couldn't get out of bed in the morning, you didn't socialise, you couldn't do your job or have fun. How would he go back to work if everything thought he was depressed? PTSD was understandable after everything he'd been through, he'd be able to cope with the concern glances until they faded away and the events finally became history.

"I think you were before the events took place," Lawson stated before reassuring him, "Thousands of people are Matt, there's nothing wrong with…"

"I wasn't depressed," Casey stated adamantly, "I was happy, I was fine."

"I think you're pretending that you were happier than you actually were," Lawson said gently.

"I wasn't depressed, I went to work, I went out with the guys from work…" he listed.

"You functioned, I'm not saying you were clinically depressed, but you weren't truly happy either but that's not surprising given what you've gone through in your life, am I right in saying you took a month's furlow to regroup a few years ago?" Lawson asked having had access to both Casey's medical and work records.

"Severide _was_ depressed and drank a couple months away! I've never done anything like that!" he raised his voice.

"Are you angry that he did that?" Lawson questioned softly.

"What?" he frowned. "No. I'm angry I couldn't help him! Gabby would barely speak to me either!" he yelled, "They're not the only ones who lost Shay!" It slipped out before he could stop so he quietly added, "We all did."

"You didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Your best friend and your girlfriend weren't there for you," Lawson stated simply.

"I didn't need to talk about it," he countered.

"You couldn't talk to anyone else about it, you couldn't talk to your crew because you didn't want to be seen as weak and you didn't talk to your chief for the same reason. Bottling up all that sadness inside yourself isn't good for you," Lawson explained.

"I know," Casey admitted, "After Hallie died I… I was a mess, tried to hide it for weeks, I don't know how I didn't make a mistake at work, maybe I did but I was lucky and it wasn't serious, I don't know, those weeks were all a blur."

"You didn't see anyone after she died? During that month off?" Lawson asked.

"Like you?" he asked. "No," he replied shaking his head.

"You dealt with it on your own," Lawson stated, "Did you deal with your dads death on your own?"

"I suppose," he shrugged.

"You don't have to deal with things on your own, you're human, we're social creatures," Lawson explained.

"I can't be a burden to anybody," he stated.

"Dealing with things with others, with me, with Severide, doesn't make you a burden, it doesn't mean that you can't look after yourself, that you're not in control. Needing help doesn't mean you're weak," Lawson assured him.

_Apartment_

That night Casey lay wide awake. The lights in his room were on along with the TV. He'd tried reading but found he couldn't concentrate on the words and ended up reading the same paragraph over and over again until he gave up and turned his attention to the Discovery Channel hoping he'd soon drift off to sleep. He saw no end to the situation he was in, he spoke about going back to work but he still couldn't picture it in his mind.

He contemplated calling Rosa but as he picked up his phone he saw the time, it was nearly 4am so he got up, hobbled to the ensuite and refreshed his face, hoping to feel a little better. He let the water drip off it as he looked at the cracked mirror, the piece he'd pulled from it no longer rested in the sink, he'd thrown it in the bin when he'd entered the room after the incident had occurred. Mindlessly he reached down and pulled out the shard of mirror. He took it back to his room where he sat back down on the bed eyeing the object with a mix of curiosity and disgust. He felt tears begin to trickle down his face; they were unwanted and uncalled for, his breath hitched in distress as he wiped them away. He wanted to scream and cry out but he couldn't let himself. He didn't want to feel like this anymore, he was hurting everyone around him, Dawson had left him and Severide had drastically changed his lifestyle, he couldn't do this anymore; he didn't want to feel anything.

Using all the willpower he had left he stood up and exited his bedroom into the dark apartment, his left hand curled around the sharp segment of mirror, he took a deep breath and knocked on Severides bedroom door.

Severide rolled over in his half-asleep state, he could have sworn he'd heard something but when he listened there was only silence so he closed his eyes and waited to fall back to sleep until he heard a timid knock at his bedroom door and his first thought was Casey. He pushed back the bed covers, turned his light on and didn't bother to make himself decent before he opened his door

"I'm sorry," Casey trembled, "I can't do this."

Severide took Casey's outstretched hand and retrieved the bloodied shard that reflected the light from his room. He continued holding his hand after placing the piece of mirror on his desk of drawers. "Where else are you bleeding?" Severide asked urgently.

Casey shook his head, "I didn't do anything."

Severide felt relieved. "That's good Case, you came to me," he smiled, "That's good. Let's clean this hand up; I don't think it's deep." He led Casey over to the dining room table and turned the kitchen light on before fetching the first aid kit. He knelt down in front of his friend, dabbed the blood away to discover that he was correct, the wound wasn't deep, and he fastened a plaster over the cut.

"I can't do this," Casey repeated quietly, "I can't do this anymore, I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to be here," he shook and Severide saw the tears falling from his friends red rimmed eyes, he didn't know to say as his friend continued, "I can't do it, I don't want to feel anything, I'm hurting everyone, this isn't me, I can't… I can't live like this."

Severide took Casey's hands in his own. "You can do this, you are doing this, you've got so much better, look how far you've come. You went through hell but here, fighting, fighting for normalcy. And I know you Casey, you'll never back down, you'll beat this," Severide assured him. He thought of the mirror shard that sat unused in his bedroom, "You already have."


	30. Over

_Apartment_

Severide was sitting on the chair listening to the dial tone on his phone as he watched Casey's still form spread across the length of the couch. Casey had eventually fallen to sleep from emotional exhaustion and Severide was grateful it seemed to be a peaceful sleep but as it was now nine o'clock in the morning he thought he may as well just stay awake himself and keep an eye on him.

The dial tone stopped as his phone call was answered. _"Good morning this is Doctor Lawson's office, how can I help you?"_ the receptionists voice was far too chipper for Severide's liking but he blamed his early start and his own emotional state after his long morning.

"It's Kelly Severide, is Lawson available to speak to? It's regarding one of his patients," Severide replied.

 _"I'll transfer your call to him now,"_ she said and Severide heard the familiar dial tone once again.

 _"Lawson speaking,"_ the doctor greeted him. _"What's happened, Kelly?"_ he got down to the point.

"Casey tried to hurt himself last night," he stated solemnly.

 _"Is he with you now? What's he doing?"_ Lawson asked immediately.

"Yeah he's here, fast asleep on the sofa in front of me, I don't dare leave his side," Severide replied.

 _"Ok did he manage to hurt himself at all?"_ Lawson questioned.

"No well, just a small cut from gripping a piece of mirror," Severide explained.

" _Ok tell me what happened,"_ Lawson instructed now he'd established Casey was in no immediate danger. Severide went on to explain how Casey had come to him in the early hours and Lawson replied, _"It sounds like he made the right decision, he's feeling anxious and scared and he's trying find ways to cope, his feelings and thoughts are still all over the place at the moment, after everything that's happened to him suicide ideation isn't unusual."_

"It's usual? He was hysterical, it took so long for him to settle down and sleep, he kept repeating himself, at first I thought he was having a flashback then he was clearer, kept insisting that he wasn't sent away," Severide said.

 _"We were talking about hospital admission, I asked him if he thought he was a threat to himself,"_ Lawson explained, _"But I don't think he is. Suicide ideation doesn't mean he's going to hurt himself. The thoughts are in his head but that doesn't mean he's going to act on it…"_

"But he did," Severide countered.

 _"He came to you,"_ Lawson replied softly, _"He came to you before he could anything. If he wants to be admitted and have some intense therapy sessions that would be good for him but forcing him, taking away his control, isn't going to be beneficial so unless you think he really is a threat to himself I don't want to admit him. If he wants to spend a week here in a safe environment then of course he can, he needs to be the one making the choices. He knows what's good for him, despite hiding away most of his feelings, he's figuring out how to cope; he came to you when he thought he couldn't, that is a major step forwards."_  
  
Severide spoke to Lawson until the doctor's first appointment turned up and it was long until he saw movement on the couch. "Hey," Severide said softly as he saw Casey groggily wake from his sleep, "How are you feeling?"  
  
Casey didn't reply instead he eyed the mobile phone warily.  
  
"If you're still tired why don't you get into your own bed? Better than the couch."

"I'm sorry," Casey said tiredly.

"Don't apologise for last night," he stated and sat down at the end of the couch by Caseys legs. "I have spoken to Lawson... don't look so worried," he smiled softly, "He's gonna start you on the other pills, alongside the ones you're already taking, he said he mentioned it in your last session?"  
  
Casey nodded in acknowledgment.  
  
"Do you want to go to your own bed?" Severide repeated, Casey looked exhausted and he had no appointments today so it wouldn't matter if he just wanted to catch up on his sleep after the previous night.

"I don't want to be on my own," Casey stated quietly. He wasn't sure he fully trusted himself after last night.

"Ok," Severide nodded. After a few moments of silence he asked cheerfully, "What are you looking forward to once that's off?" In less than two weeks the brace was going to come off and Casey would be doing two physical therapy sessions a week and would be given a much more regimented exercise schedule to rehabilitate his right leg.

"Running," Casey grinned.

"Running? You gonna get up and run as soon as you don't have to wear it?" he laughed

"Maybe not right away," he grinned tiredly,. "I've missed being able to bend my knee," he laughed, "I never really thought about how useful knees were before." He stared down at his leg, "Feels like it was so long ago that I was trapped in that chair but it's hardly been anytime at all has it?"

"You've come on loads since then," he smiled. "I mean look at those abs," he laughed and went to pull up Casey's shirt teasingly and laughed as he tried to wriggle away.

"Shut up," Casey pouted mockingly.

"I swear they're tougher than before," he laughed.

Three weeks later they were sitting in the same position only Casey now had nearly full use of his leg, he was still using his crutches a lot of the time, he could swear that he felt his bones move every now and then but it must have been his imagination. His new medication regime was helping greatly with his mood and even his sleeping, the nightmares still persisted but he found himself being able to easily drift off to sleep without chaotic thoughts running around his mind.

"Phone," Severide leant forwards and grabbed Casey's vibrating phone from the coffee table and passed it to him.

"Hey," Casey smiled once he'd accepted the call, it was Rosa.

 _"Guess what?"_ she asked cheerfully.

"You got the job?" he questioned. A week ago Rosa had been sat with him eating dinner full of nerves because she had an interview at a prestigious private junior school in New York the next morning. Casey had assured her that she would be great.

 _"How'd you guess?"_ she questioned happily.

"I told you you'd get it!" he beamed, "When can you can come over? I'll make dinner, we'll celebrate."

 _"Saturday?"_ she suggested.

"It's a date," he grinned before hesitating, "Erm… when do you move?"

 _"Job starts in four weeks but I need to find an apartment first, my sister's going to be pleased to have me out of her house! But it'll be nice to get back to reality! Bet you're looking forward to that as well?"_ she replied.

"Looking forward to you leaving?" Casey questioned, he'd known for a few weeks now that she was looking at moving to New York, where her and sister and grown up and where she'd worked before going to Uganda.

 _"No,"_ she scoffed, _"Getting back to reality; it's getting closer and closer now."_  
  
Casey looked down at his nearly fully mobile leg, "Yeah I guess it is." __  
__  
Firehouse

Cruz was sitting on the apparatus floor by the squad truck when saw Casey walk slowly into the house, he moved stiffly on his right leg but it was fantastic to see him up and about. "Lieutenant!" he greeted cheerfully.

"Hey Cruz," he smiled, "Where's Severide?"

"Quarters," he replied and as Casey began to head off the apparatus floor Cruz stood up and stated, "You look good Casey."

"Thanks Cruz..." he replied hoping comments on his appearance wouldn't be the main topic of choice as he was here, although Cruz was right and even Casey realised he looked much better.

Severide was sat at his desk writing up his last call when there was a knock at his door, he turned round and was pleasantly surprised to see Casey stood outside with a grin plastered across his face, he indicated for him to enter, "Well this is a surprise, get bored watching the History Channel?"

"Well I've had permission to drive for nearly a week now and I haven't really taken advantage it," he explained with a small smile.

"So you decided to drive here?" Severide asked incredulously, although realised this was probably the safest option so of course he'd chosen it. Casey shrugged in response as he leaned on the door frame. "Rosa busy?" Severide questioned.

"House hunting," he replied.

"Your…" Severide began as he looked at Caseys jean clad bottom half. His friends jeans were still a little loose on him but it wasn't anything drastic like before, Severide and the doctors were happy with his eating habits, that didn't mean his habits were perfect, he would still skip meals if he'd managed to get himself worked up after a nightmare or flashback but it didn't happen too regularly and it was understandable.

"My crutches," Casey finished for him, "Are in the car just in case my leg decides to give way on me," he said jokingly but they both knew full well it was still a possibility. "You're like my mother," he scoffed.

Severide grinned and said knowingly, "I'd like to think I'm better than your mother Casey." He saw quick movement behind his Casey.

Severide watched as Otis quickly came up on his friend, grabbing his shoulders from behind and greeting loudly. "Lieutenant! Please tell me you're back soon, Herrmann is…" Otis trailed off as he saw the daggers being shot from Severides eye.

Severide then watched as Casey closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, he knew his friend was counting down from five in his head. Casey opened his eyes, turned round to see Otis. "Herrmann breaking balls? At least I won't have sloppy firefighters when I get back," he mocked and then he saw someone he didn't recognise walk into the bunk area, she walked straight over to the three of them.

"Lieutenant," she put out a hand to greet him, he shook it hoping she wouldn't notice the scar on his wrist as his jumper slid up. "Nice to meet you finally. I'm Stella Kidd, new firefighter on truck," she explained when he showed no recognition to her name.

"Hope everyone's behaving for you," he grinned.

"Casey," he heard the booming voice of his chief as the man walked up to the small gathering. "Fantastic to see you at the house," Boden greeted warmly, "Stay for lunch?"

Casey did stay for lunch and he sat between Severide and Boden. Herrmann had offered him the head of the table but he had declined it, he wanted to draw as little attention to himself as possible. Dawson sat on the opposite side of the table, several chairs down from him, and kept avoiding eye contact with him so he focused on the conversations taking place around until the alarms went off. Severide gently touched his shoulder as he stood up. "See you at home," he said before he left with the others and Casey watched as the room emptied. He sat back and smiled to himself as he realised how much he'd missed this place, the action and the comradery.

_Apartment_

Casey lay in bed next to Rosa, the morning sun made its way into the room through the open curtains, dinner the previous night had been a success and for the first time in months Casey slept beside a women through the whole night, if he'd had a nightmare he couldn't remember. He smiled tiredly as Rosa got up and watched as she dressed. "Picture will last longer," she joked.

"I'll miss you," he replied.

"I've not gone yet. Besides it'll leave you free to go on a boys nights out with Kelly, you'll get all the ladies, especially with that hair," she grinned. Yesterday he'd gone and gotten his haircut which he'd not done since a few weeks before he was kidnapped and he had to admit it did look a lot smarter again and he felt much better for it although Severide had battered his hands away when he'd attempted to use some of his hair gel, telling him to get his own as was getting ready for Rosas visit.

Severide was sat with a cup of coffee when he saw Rosa exit Casey's bedroom. "Morning Kelly," she greeted him before calling back into the bedroom, "See ya Matt."

After Rosa had left the apartment Severide got up and wondered into Caseys bedroom, "Good night?"

"Uh huh, not so useless after all," he replied with a sly grin before he sat up in bed. The covers slid down revealing his friends scarred chest, he was still not overly comfortable about his marred skin with Rosa but around Severide he didn't feel the need to hide.

"You all right?" Severide asked, he hadn't missed a grimace of pain that appeared on his friends face as he'd pulled himself up to rest his back on the headboard.

"Just my leg," he replied. Caseys leg was well on the way to being fully fixed but it was still painful especially after he had physical therapy or used it for long periods at a time.

"Just your leg," Severide scoffed. "Just your leg that you very nearly lost… which reminds me; have I told you that being your emergency contact was the worst decision I have ever made?" he joked.

Casey frowned. "Worst decision you've ever made? I'm not so sure," he smiled, "Kidd cornered me at the house and mentioned a certain breaking and entering incident…"

"She didn't…" the colour drained from Severides face.

"Oh... she did," he beamed.

Severide's mobile rang and Casey watched as he answered it and took it into his room leaving him sat curiously until his friend returned with a smile spread across his face. "That was Antonio. They've all been found guilty and they're going away for a long time. It's over Casey," he stated even though really he knew his friends experience was far from over but it had been nearly half a year since Katya had been killed and Casey was taken and he finally felt like he was coping. Casey smiled at the news and they both felt relieved at the courts judgement.


	31. Balls

_Apartment_

Casey was exhausted, he was sitting on the couch and he'd not moved since he'd returned home from the hospital. He was grateful to Severide for driving him there and back, the physical therapy sessions still really took it out of him. He had hoped by now, nearly a month after the brace was removed, he'd find everything much easier but the muscle loss and disuse of his leg was much harder to recover from than he had imagined, weeks ago he had been joking about running as soon as his leg was free of the contraption it had been encased in but now he was lucky if he could walk for half an hour without his crutches. The support wrap he wore helped but it was going to be weeks before he made a full recovery.

Rosa had left for New York a week ago but little had changed, they still messaged and called each other, Casey was grateful for their friendship and a little disappointed he wouldn't be able to listen to her tell him all about her new job and apartment over the phone tonight because Severide, and Lawson, had insisted he attend Mouch and Platt's wedding and reception party. He wouldn't have minded so much if he hadn't spent over an hour in physical therapy that morning.

"Do you have a date?" Casey asked Severide. This was the fourth time he'd asked him since they'd received the wedding invitations through the mail, he didn't want go along as a third wheel.

"No," Severide replied and with a straight face he continued, "Well I suppose you're kind of my date." but as soon as he saw the perplexed expression on Casey's face his laughed, "I _am_ chauffeuring you there and back." Severide knew how much the rehab sessions exhausted him and had insisted he drove them there and back.

"We could get a…" Casey began

"Nope, already said at least twice now, we're not getting a cab, I don't mind driving there, I'm not drinking," Severide said.

"You're not drinking?" he asked incredulously.

Severide explained, "One of us needs our wits about us, you'll be falling asleep during the ceremony so I…"

"I won't be," he replied indignity.

"You fell asleep during the fifteen minute journey home this morning," Severide mocked.

"Yeah, well, I have a valid excuse… in fact I have a valid excuse for anything," he pouted, mockingly. "I could get away with literally anything and just blame my messed up head and messed up leg," he smirked.

"Oh yeah," Severide said. "Take your crutches later, see if you can get some more sympathy sex," he joked.

"Well, I bet you've never even had sympathy sex," Casey scoffed, grinning from ear to ear.

"No I haven't. I just have hot, hot, hot sex," Severide retorted with a grin.

Casey sobered and asked, "Gabby's going to be there isn't she?" He was a little worried about her being there, though they'd not ended it badly and he'd finally realised it had not been his fault, he was feeling a little anxious about what everyone was thinking or even talking about in regards to their relationship, only Severide knew the ins and outs of their breakup.

"Don't worry I'm sure I'll have plenty of ex's there too," Severide smiled.

"Ex's? Is that what you call people you've had one night stands with?" he joked.

"Very funny," Severide deadpanned. He was so happy and a little surprised that Casey was able to make light of everything that had happened and glad he didn't seem upset about Rosa leaving, but from the offset he'd known it wasn't going to be a serious relationship and just fun was exactly what his friend had needed. He watched as Casey sighed, obviously thinking about something troubling, "What?"

"I'm not going to come up with an excuse for not going am I?" Casey asked sombrely

"You _really_ don't want to go?" he questioned.

"I do want to go, or I would want to go if things were different," Casey replied. Normally he would be up for celebrating especially since he'd known Mouch since he was promoted and transferred to 51 but right now he didn't know how well he'd deal with wedding and party; it would be busy, there would be strangers and he imagined that almost everyone he knew had been invited.

"What are you worried about?" Severide asked gently. Just as Lawson had asked on several occasions in the past when Casey was given the task of doing something he felt anxious about.

"Everyone asking questions, I mean, I look better but not a hundred percent especially because I'm tired, so there's gonna be questions," he replied.

"They're more scared of you than you are of them," Severide smiled.

"That's spiders," Casey stated with a wry smile.

"You've got nothing to worry about, I know that's useless advice because you are worried and there's nothing wrong with that but I'm not going to let anything happen so it'll be fine," Severide said assuredly.

"You're not going to let anything happen?" he asked incredulously. One thing he'd learned was things happened, bad things, no matter what he or anybody did; bad things happen for no reason no matter how much you think you could have changed what happened.

"Look, I'll follow you round all evening," Severide replied but continued after seeing Casey's expression, "You'll look like you're taking the lead and if something happens I'm there," he explained. He knew Casey was also worried about having some sort of panic attack, they happened rarely but the thought of having one in such a public space with friends and co-workers must be worrying for him.

_Molly's_

Casey stood outside the wooden door that he and Dawson had picked out so long ago, he had been through so much since and he just hoped there was little drama to come along in the future, he'd had enough for one lifetime.

"Ready?" Severide asked, he nodded and Severide made to open the door only he was stopped.

"Wait."

"Really?" Severide smiled. "I don't think you can come up with an excuse to avoid this wedding," he scoffed.

"No," Casey shook his head. "Just… thank you," he said sincerely, "Thank you, I er… I don't think be here or anywhere if it weren't for you so thank you, really, thank you."

"You're stronger than you think," Severide replied, "You'd be here without me."

Casey looked directly at him and stated, "No I wouldn't."

Severide smiled, "Are you gonna cry?"  
  
Casey laughed.  
  
"You look like you're gonna cry," he teased.

"I'm not going to cry," Casey grinned.

Severide put his arm around him pulling him into a brief hug. "Let's go in, we won't stay for too long after the ceremony," he stated, "I don't want your leg to give out on you," he joked.

"It won't," Casey countered.

"Uh huh? So you just tripped when you were walking to the car?" he questioned knowingly.

"Yup," Casey said quickly before pushing open the door and entering the crowded bar followed closely by Severide who was still grinning and shaking his head.

The ceremony was a quick affair and they'd had little chance to talk to anywhere beforehand but now Casey found himself surrounded by several well-wishers he only vaguely knew before Herrmann came along with a glass of champagne. "Are you drinking lieutenant?" he asked.

Casey smiled, glad for the normalcy the man provided, most people were asking how he was before he himself changed the subject and Herrmann had skipped that phase. "Not really," he replied honestly.

"More for me then," Herrmann smiled, "There is some non-alcoholic stuff in the back somewhere if you want me to dig it out?"

"Nah I'm good," he indicated to his glass of lemonade.

"You and Severide doing some sort of bet?" Herrmann asked.

"What?" he frowned

"He's not drinking either," Herrmann grinned.

"Oh he's driving," he replied, "And I think he wants his wits about him so he can avoid his ex's…."

"Oi I heard that," Severide announced as he returned back to Caseys side with a plate of food from the buffet. "Good?" he questioned. Herrmann assumed he was talking about the food choice but Casey knew otherwise and nodded, despite the crowds most people had stayed away from him, no doubt out of fear of what they would say but Casey found he didn't mind at all, it was preferable to those who did come up to him and asked him how he was doing or those kept shooting sympathetic glances over in his direction.

Casey walked straight out of the restroom to come face to face with Dawson. "Matt," she smiled before pulling him into an awkward embrace, "How are you? You look so much better."

"Thanks," he replied stiffly, he hated it when anywhere stated how much better he looked now, they may as well say he'd looked terrible before because was really what they were implying.

"If you want to grab a drink together sometime I'd be up for it," she said.

"Thanks," he repeated in much the same manner as before, he saw Severide approach him from the corner of his eye and began to walk towards him but he paused and frowned before turning back to Dawson, "Gabby..."

"Yeah," she smiled sweetly as if she was expecting him to organise a little get-together.

"I can't believe I was just going to wait around for you," he said calmly.

"What?" she frowned.

"You hardly ever listened to my opinion, you didn't trust me; you think everything is about you. And I'm sorry because I did love you, I really did, but I'm not sure you ever really loved me, not when you had me," he spoke evenly before turning to Severide whose mouth was slightly ajar in shock, "Can we go?"

"Yup," Severide grinned proudly and Casey followed him to the exit where they grabbed their coats. "Your balls grew back then?" he quipped as he put his coat on.

"Ha ha very funny," Casey deadpanned. He frowned, "She's been glancing over at me all night... it was a little odd considering she ended it..."

"Did you see her face?" Severide laughed.

"Don't," Casey stated. "I already feel bad…" he sighed, "Damnit I should go back and…"

"She'll get over it!" Severide replied, "And quicker than you did."  
 _  
_ _CFD Headquarters_

The weeks passed by, filled with painful rehabilitation and infiltrated by the horrific memories of the events that had taken place and soon Casey found himself sat in front of Chiefs Tiberg and Carlisle. Physically he was one hundred percent and mentally he was in the best place he'd been in for a long time, yes, he still had nightmares and he was still triggered by certain things but he could deal them. He'd been given the all clear from both his doctors and in the last week had faced fear of darkness and came out on top; Severide had pulled some strings and taken Casey through the smokehouse at the academy a few times and they'd both been pleasantly surprised at how well it went but once Casey had gotten his gear on and entered the smoke filled space everything came naturally.

"I'm glad you're doing well Lieutenant," Tiberg stated without any gladness in his tone. "There's just a few things we need to discuss before you can get back to active duty, you can start by filling in this form for me, please," he handed Casey an A4 sheet;

_1\. Have had nightmares about it or thought about it when you did not want to?  
YES / NO _

__2\. Tried hard not to think about it or went out of your way to avoid situations that reminded you of it?  
YES / NO _ _

_3\. Were constantly on guard, watchful, or easily startled?  
YES / NO _

_4\. Felt numb or detached from others, activities, or your surroundings?  
YES / NO _

"You're kidding right?" Casey said incredulously after he looked up after scanning the first four questions on the sheet, "I've been cleared for duty by both my doctors and I know I'm ready."

"I just want to make sure that you're fit for duty," Tiberg stated.

Defensively Casey asked, "You're a medical professional now?"

"We've got both your doctors information but I just want to understand the matter," Tiberg explained.

"So you've just printed off some random questionnaire on PTSD?" Casey questioned with a scowl.

"Lieutenant we're recommending light duties to start with given your experience eight months ago I'm not stopping you from working," the other chief explained softly.

"Oh sorry," he replied.

"It's fine Casey, you're a damn good lieutenant, I'm glad you're coming back," he replied, "How is the leg?"

"Good as new," Casey smiled.

_Apartment_

"Are you nervous?" Severide asked. Casey had gone suspiciously quiet after the film ended.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't," Casey replied.

"Once those bells go off and you get a call you'll get back in the swing of things; like riding a bike," he smiled.

"Yup so I can just order everyone around whilst I stand and watch," Casey said glumly.

"Light duties are only for a few weeks, right?" Severide asked.  
  
Casey nodded.  
  
"Well, you'll be running into burning buildings soon enough, tin man," he grinned.

"Tin man?" Casey raised an eyebrow, "It's titanium. My thigh bone is stronger than your whole body," he mocked. "One more movie? I'm not going to be able sleep now anyway."

"Sure," he replied before picking up the TV remote to scroll through the film choices.


	32. Epilogue

Three Months Later

_Firehouse_

Everything was getting back to normal in terms of work for Casey, in the last month he'd gotten his construction business up and running again and he'd been back on normal duties at the firehouse for over two months. There had been some change at the firehouse, Kidd had been a welcome addition to 81 and a few weeks ago Dawson had not only left truck she had left the house altogether, she had transferred to Logan's Square, before she left she had only spoken to Casey in regards to the job and had decided to move one.   
  
Today Casey was waiting for their new candidate; Jimmy Borelli. Once he arrived Casey had little time to introduce him to the rest of his crew before the bells went off. Borelli's first call was to a simple stove fire where he watched 81 work swiftly and efficiently together, it had been an uninteresting call just as Herrmann had predicted on their way but now he was back and heading towards the shower room, he stunk of smoke despite the small fire and wanted to wash and change. His lieutenant had the same idea and was just walking out of one of the cubicles with his lower half cover by a white towel. He immediately saw the scars across his chest and tried not to stare.

Casey slipped his shirt on, fully aware of Borelli's glance, he ignored it, "Most calls are going to pretty boring like that, plenty of time for drills though. Go and get everyone on to the apparatus floor, got an exercise we'll do." Borelli left the shower room without washing or changing to gather the others as Casey dropped the towel and slipped on his boxers before sitting down on the bench.

"Hey, you good?" Severide conveniently walked in to see Casey looking down at his scarred leg.

Slowly he looked towards his friend. "Yeah," he scoffed, "Poor guy just wanted a shower and now I've got him doing drills."

"You do like your drills," Severide smirked.

He smiled, "Just cause I'm not as lenient as a certain squad lieutenant when it comes to drills doesn't mean I like doing them all the time, I'd much…"

"You do like bossing people around," Severide grinned.

"I'm not going to argue with that," he smiled back and got up off the bench to finish dressing.

Borelli and the rest of truck were waiting for Casey on the apparatus. "What happened to the lieutenant?" he asked curiously.

"You don't watch the news, do you kid?" Herrmann questioned.

"Oh," Borelli said in realisation as he remembered the name that had been plastered across the news nearly on year ago, "I didn't realise."

"We don't bring it up, all right?" Herrmann waited for a quick nod in acknowledgement from Borelli before changing the subject.

_Therapy Room_

"Well Severide has had a girlfriend for a whole thirteen days, which I think is one of his highest records," he joked. "I think everything that happened with him and Renee years ago has put him off commitment," he shrugged, "Maybe he should come and see you."

"Maybe," Lawson replied, "You're not talking about yourself, I asked how things have been for you? It has been two weeks since our last appointment."

"I don't need to talk about myself," he said honestly.

"You're happy?" Lawson smiled.

"I am, I'm doing what I love and I'm not scared that somethings going to suddenly shatter me. I'm not strong like you and Severide constantly insist but I'm not gonna break," he replied.  
  
Casey still had nightmares about the events that took place a year ago but he coped with them, he still slept with the light on but he wasn't ashamed of it and when he was tired he would still startle at loud noises but he was his confident and determined self once again, he wasn't going to let the events that took place change his life forever.

**The End**


End file.
